Marriage Rejuvenation?

[votivesoul]

Any great ideas from anyone on how us married folks can keep the home fires burning?

[Esther]

Originally Posted by votivesoul

Any great ideas from anyone on how us married folks can keep the home fires burning?

Start a fire?

[shazeep]

[shazeep]

This seems radical to me, but i have heard of couples having success with separating until they miss each other, noting and being thankful for whatever quality it is that is missed. Another point in the program, the name of which is eluding me, seemed to be to develop personal interests also, and become more self reliant, the argument being 'and thus more attractive' in a sense.

Our spouses tend to be the ones who "save" us in a sense, like 'from ourselves,' and this inevitably devolves into an unhealthy codependence that may be tolerated, but tends to be wearing. The best fire might be the one you light under yourself.

I'm not retelling it very well; another big point seemed to be about changing one's expectations in their mate--another codependence flag, unrealistic expectations.

[Aquila]

Originally Posted by shazeep

This seems radical to me, but i have heard of couples having success with separating until they miss each other, noting and being thankful for whatever quality it is that is missed. Another point in the program, the name of which is eluding me, seemed to be to develop personal interests also, and become more self reliant, the argument being 'and thus more attractive' in a sense.

Our spouses tend to be the ones who "save" us in a sense, like 'from ourselves,' and this inevitably devolves into an unhealthy codependence that may be tolerated, but tends to be wearing. The best fire might be the one you light under yourself.

I'm not retelling it very well; another big point seemed to be about changing one's expectations in their mate--another codependence flag, unrealistic expectations.

Very interesting. I think that it is true.... as we surrender our individuality we become less attractive to our mates. We often lose those very qualities or traits that attracted our mate to us in the first place. For example, imagine a woman falling in love with a man who writes and paints in his free time. She is very attracted to him physically and finds his art and writing so fascinating. After marriage, family takes up so much time he neglects his writing and art. Soon, he's no longer the man she found so fascinating. Individuals in relationships need to maintain some degree of individuality to pursue the very things that make them who they are.

[Aquila]

Establish "date nights". Establish a night or two a month (or one a week) wherein the kids are sent to a sitter (friend or family) so that you and your significant other can go on a "date". It is important to be able to return to a quiet and empty home wherein the two of you can have total privacy.

[Aquila]

Have you and your partner commit to going to bed unclothed and simply laying together with bodies touching. Commit to kiss for three minutes. If the flame is gone, sometimes biology will take over and nature will take its course.

[Aquila]

Learn nurturing love-making techniques. I studied the Kama Sutra and Tantric practice (not just the "positions" people). In Tantra and Kama Sutra, the philosophy of love making and nurturing one's mate is actually very deep. Without practicing these practices, one can take away some valuable insight and inspiration. It brings the same deliberate action and focus to love making as a martial art brings to fighting or defense. You set the environment with candles, oils, foods, incense, and music (I prefer jazz or even Middle Eastern or Indian genres). You adore your mate. Dedicate an entire evening to them. Undressing them, bathing them, giving them a full body massage, and providing more intimate touching/kissing. Nurture them, groom them, perfume them, love them.

In Tantra and Kama Sutra they "worship" their mate. As a Christian, don't worship your mate.... but adore them as a gift from God, a reflection of God, one made in the image of God. Determine to please them in every way, touch every sense (smell, taste, touch, sight, sound). Do and say all the things that they enjoy, whatever they might desire. Surrender self and ego. Dedicate the this time just for them and their pleasure and ultimate fulfillment. However, you are to abstain from full intercourse. This isn't about you, it is about them. It is to train you to love and adore them, to meet their needs without any regard for your own. It is also for them in that it trains them to receive adoration and love from you without feeling any obligation to meet your needs. The next session is your turn. Wait at least two days before the next session. Two days after that, the session is entirely mutual. It isn't strictly about sex, although it is designed to facilitate sexual fulfillment. It is about surrender, service, adoration, and intimacy. It is about learning that even in love making, it is better to give than to receive. It is an ancient philosophy and technique designed to train lovers to adore one another on every level. Elevating love making into an act of worship wherein the couple rejoices and praises God for their mate and the love their mate so lavishly pours out to them. In time, the framework of the "sessions" is no longer necessary and the intimate dedication to one another's needs becomes second nature, coupled with the knowledge of what the other likes and dislikes.

I found this practice of benefit for me and my love. However, it isn't for everyone, especially those who find its non-Christian origins troubling. Follow your heart and conscience in the matter. There are similar approaches designed by counselors. However, I always enjoy the historic, cultural, and exotic. That's just me. Frankly, everything I've put here, with a little imagination, is all you'd need to incorporate this into your love life to "start a fire" if necessary.

[Aquila]

You can write love notes (or letters) to each other and leave them where the other will find them.

[Aquila]

Send her flowers at her work.