Wedding Etiquette. . .have a question

I have a friend whose daughter is getting married this summer. My friend is divorced and remarried, as is her ex husband (the father). My friend asked her daughter if she was planning on acknowledging her step father at all during either the ceremony or reception and was told "no, I'm not taking anything away from Dad'. Dad is walking her down the aisle and giving her away, and there will be only one father/daughter dance between the two of them. My friend is kind of torn because as a mother, she knows this is her daughter's day so she doesn't want to push the issue but on the flip side, her new husband has been part of the family for many years and knows he will be hurt at the slight.

I'm curious if there is any 'etiquette' regarding how to acknowledge all parents involved in a divorce situation? Has anyone been involved or heard of how this situation has been handled before to avoid hurt feelings if possible? My friend asked me what she should do but I didn't really know what to tell her as I don't have much experience in that area.
Just curious what other opinions are. . . .

[MissBrattified]

Originally Posted by Ravens

I have a friend whose daughter is getting married this summer. My friend is divorced and remarried, as is her ex husband (the father). My friend asked her daughter if she was planning on acknowledging her step father at all during either the ceremony or reception and was told "no, I'm not taking anything away from Dad'. Dad is walking her down the aisle and giving her away, and there will be only one father/daughter dance between the two of them. My friend is kind of torn because as a mother, she knows this is her daughter's day so she doesn't want to push the issue but on the flip side, her new husband has been part of the family for many years and knows he will be hurt at the slight.

I'm curious if there is any 'etiquette' regarding how to acknowledge all parents involved in a divorce situation? Has anyone been involved or heard of how this situation has been handled before to avoid hurt feelings if possible? My friend asked me what she should do but I didn't really know what to tell her as I don't have much experience in that area.
Just curious what other opinions are. . . .

I believe this is entirely the bride's choice. I would hope that none of the parents/step-parents would express or imply any angst or displeasure with her intent to include her father in the traditional roles.

Her choice could reflect a lack of relationship with her step-father, no matter how long he has been around. Furthermore, it isn't technically a "slight". It isn't the step-father's place to walk the bride down the aisle or participate in the ceremony, so how could he be slighted? That is the place of her father, and the stepfather shouldn't even wish for it. Nor should her mother.

It should be remembered that what is being celebrated is the bride's union with her groom, and that is the relationship that should be focused on and recognized. Not all the additional family that has been added over the years.

[MissBrattified]

P.S. Encourage your friend to express any displeasure to you, and vent about it privately, but to keep mum about it in her daughter's presence. (Or the presence of any other family members.) I can understand the wish for her husband to be included, but in reality...well, I won't say it again.

[Pressing-On]

Originally Posted by Ravens

I have a friend whose daughter is getting married this summer. My friend is divorced and remarried, as is her ex husband (the father). My friend asked her daughter if she was planning on acknowledging her step father at all during either the ceremony or reception and was told "no, I'm not taking anything away from Dad'. Dad is walking her down the aisle and giving her away, and there will be only one father/daughter dance between the two of them. My friend is kind of torn because as a mother, she knows this is her daughter's day so she doesn't want to push the issue but on the flip side, her new husband has been part of the family for many years and knows he will be hurt at the slight.

I'm curious if there is any 'etiquette' regarding how to acknowledge all parents involved in a divorce situation? Has anyone been involved or heard of how this situation has been handled before to avoid hurt feelings if possible? My friend asked me what she should do but I didn't really know what to tell her as I don't have much experience in that area.
Just curious what other opinions are. . . .

That can be very hurtful and even though the Bride's choice, I'm surprised she didn't try to work something out to let them both know that she loves them and especially thanking the stepfather for caring for her through the years. JMHO!

[rgcraig]

Luckily, we won't have to worry about this for my son's wedding. I'm going to sit on the second row by my dad and his wife and my former spouse will sit behind me with his parents.

Hopefully, it will be classy and tasteful.

Now, my daughter's wedding might be a whole different story since she wants me to be her maid of honor and she's not sure she wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. I think she will change her mind before she gets married - at least I hope she will.

[Steve Epley]

Reading this having performed many marriages I would say Mom is the one with the problem probably still ticked at Dad and is blaming this on step-dad. I could be wrong but probably not. Most men don't care this is generally a woman thing.

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful insights/advice. I do think that this bothers my friend more than it will her new husband. I don't think she ever expected her husband to walk her daughter down the aisle or do the father/daughter dance. She understands this is the role of the natural father. But I think she was looking for some recognition beyond that of her current husband. But I guess if you acknowledge the step dad, you also have to acknowledge the step mom so perhaps her daughter is keeping it simple, which is best.

Thanks again for the insight. I will share it with my friend and hopefully it will sit better with her.

[Pressing-On]

Originally Posted by Ravens

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful insights/advice. I do think that this bothers my friend more than it will her new husband. I don't think she ever expected her husband to walk her daughter down the aisle or do the father/daughter dance. She understands this is the role of the natural father. But I think she was looking for some recognition beyond that of her current husband. But I guess if you acknowledge the step dad, you also have to acknowledge the step mom so perhaps her daughter is keeping it simple, which is best.

Thanks again for the insight. I will share it with my friend and hopefully it will sit better with her.

Ravens,
We don't know what the relationship with the daughter/stepfather is. If they have a good relationship then I would suggest that she stop and drop a kiss on the cheek of both stepfather and stepmother as she is making her way up the aisle. That includes everyone and ties them all together - leaving the past in the past.

If the Bride and the Stepfather are close, then I suggest they do a second dance with her stepfather. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I just know a lot of people that don't let these things get in their way, but then I know some that do. It can be touchy in some instances.

When I got in church I had already been divorced before I knew anything about the Holy Ghost. I already had a small child. Some people told me to wear the traditional white.

I decided to honor the older people in the church, as my daughter would be escorted up the aisle by an usher, and opted out with a pink lace dress. That was almost 20 years ago and still a big deal in some circles - the wearing of white the second time. I wanted everyone to be comfortable. It didn't bother me in the least.

I think out of courtesy you have to lay your personal feelings aside and try to accommodate all involved, but that's just me.

Hope it all works out.

[Digging4Truth]

Originally Posted by Steve Epley

Reading this having performed many marriages I would say Mom is the one with the problem probably still ticked at Dad and is blaming this on step-dad. I could be wrong but probably not. Most men don't care this is generally a woman thing.

Yep....

That's why they call it "her day".

They are both getting married but all the pomp and the circumstance is to please some life long "from who knows where" induced dreamworld that she feels must be fulfilled.

[rgcraig]

I like PO's suggestion if it would be appropriate in this situation. That way no one is left out, but the spotlight is still on bride and dad!