Need advice on leaving

[allstate1]

I have been in similar situation. I would leave without explanations or meetings. Just go and go fast. You have put a pastor in a position in your life that never should be.

[Pente3]

I see exactly what you're saying. I had no intention of putting anyone out on the stage to be made a spectacle. Pardon my ignorance as this is new to me and my husband and we've never encountered anything so much as like this before or even imagined that we would. We have not "counseled" any families or anyone else. Our families and minister friends that have come have actually come to us and counseled US. We found this alarming as we were already feeling like something wasn't right. We've never given any details or even spoke ill of him, we were just quiet and asked for prayer and direction. I appreciate you responding. We've been praying and fasting more than we have in our lives. We want what's best and we want to be gracious and loving but at the same time protect ourselves. I ask for continual prayer.

[KeptByTheWord]

Originally Posted by Pente3

I see exactly what you're saying. I had no intention of putting anyone out on the stage to be made a spectacle. Pardon my ignorance as this is new to me and my husband and we've never encountered anything so much as like this before or even imagined that we would. We have not "counseled" any families or anyone else. Our families and minister friends that have come have actually come to us and counseled US. We found this alarming as we were already feeling like something wasn't right. We've never given any details or even spoke ill of him, we were just quiet and asked for prayer and direction. I appreciate you responding. We've been praying and fasting more than we have in our lives. We want what's best and we want to be gracious and loving but at the same time protect ourselves. I ask for continual prayer.

Will definitely continue praying for you. It is a tough sticky situation, but the Lord is able to help you through it.

[Evang.Benincasa]

Originally Posted by Pente3

I see exactly what you're saying. I had no intention of putting anyone out on the stage to be made a spectacle. Pardon my ignorance as this is new to me and my husband and we've never encountered anything so much as like this before or even imagined that we would. We have not "counseled" any families or anyone else. Our families and minister friends that have come have actually come to us and counseled US. We found this alarming as we were already feeling like something wasn't right. We've never given any details or even spoke ill of him, we were just quiet and asked for prayer and direction. I appreciate you responding. We've been praying and fasting more than we have in our lives. We want what's best and we want to be gracious and loving but at the same time protect ourselves. I ask for continual prayer.

Great, you already have the answer, and the perfect plan.

I pray that the Lord Jesus will guide you both perfectly.

The Lord bless you both in Jesus name.

[Praxeas]

Originally Posted by Pente3

I go to a upc church and have been there approx 7 years. We have been involved in the music the whole time but have been in actual music leadership about 5 years. We have learned a lot of lessons good and bad while we've been at this church. We (my spouse and myself) are both conservative and grew up in conservative churches. A little while after we got married, we moved away from where we grew up and decided to find a church closer to our new home. We visited around a couple times and were very sold on the church we now attend. The pastor is young and and vibrant, lots of vision, preaches amazing and it was a great opportunity to help him grow his church (he has been pastor 11 years) and allow us to grow in our musical dreams as well.

Fast forward several years later and we find ourselves in a bad spot. We often hear people's personal situations being told over the pulpit, no names mentioned but we all know who / why /what and when usually. Many times people are bullied into doing events or anything to do with the church, the pastor and his family. I don't know how to speak of it in a very positive manner without tearing the pastor/pastor's family down. I pray that this is taken in seriousness, not bitterness and anger. We've realized that there has been very clear dishonesty to us, about us and situations have been twisted and turned for the benefit of leadership (pastor). Even to the point of the leaders telling us something very clearly then getting in church service and saying over the pulpit that the very thing they told us (others too) was a rumor - that they never said it. ?!?!?!?! It hit me in the gut. Then, it seemed like it continued to happen and eventually it's gotten us to the point that we feel like we're losing our minds. We have actually apologized for issues that we didn't even cause or have anything to do with, all because they will not apologize or admit the truth. We have literally poured out everything we have, time, money, emotion, love, giftings to the church and music ministry and it's never good enough. I was once told it wasn't "Disney fireworks" and that it needed to be. I feel for the people cause I know they are all volunteering hours and days of their precious time to practice to only leave beatdown by the pastor/family. It hurts so so much. 9 families have left in the last 2 years.

A personal example, I was asked to decorate a wall and I said I could not afford to do so, but I wouldn't mind helping another person with it. That night, it was said over the pulpit that "someone" argued about doing this very thing. I'm just in utter shock at how these things keep coming about. I am emotionally beat down. My family leads the music (we are not paid, we are volunteers) yet the leaders do not even communicate to us about when to set special practice times. Practice times/dates were set and it turned out to be a night that I could not take off from work. This situation turned into a "teaching point" once again that we do not take God or church as imporant ... mind you, we are VOLUNTEERS and have to work to survive. I'm afraid this is affecting my marriage, my children and their perspective of leadership.

I'm struggling because I can't imagine that my leaders could even do these things. It's just not something I'd ever expect. To be honest, both sets of our parents have urged us to leave and seek a safe place. Our minister friends and family have urged us to be cautious, pray and leave as soon as possible. Our issue is that the pastor has told us we CAN'T leave. He's told us we're not going anywhere. We are planning to end out this year with a meeting face to face and let him know we feel it's time to move on and seek out where God can give us restoration etc.

My question - I do not want to ruin any reputation that I have and any future music endeavors. But obviously, my family and sanity are much more important than even that right now. Have you or anyone you know legitamately been in this situation? We've searched our hearts and have no ill will or any bitterness, we just feel it's best to cut ties. I need advice on how to handle a very tough meeting with a pastor that will try to guilt or possibly tell us we can't go. Our mind is set and we know it's God nudging us to leave. It's also common sense.

I need advice on how to handle the meeting. Please help! Thanks.

LEAVE! That is a very unhealthy church.

[Amanah]

Originally Posted by Praxeas

LEAVE! That is a very unhealthy church.

[aegsm76]

With what has been presented here, this would be my advice.
1. Pray
2. Pray
3. Make up a definitive list of non-biblical problems/issues that are causing you to doubt the leadership. Make sure they are specific. If the church records services/sermons, get a copy.
4. After the above, if you decide to move on, have a one-on-one meeting with the pastor, this is assuming you are the husband posting this. Lay out your concerns, list your specific examples and listen to his responses.
5. If you move on, pray for this church and the pastor. Do not respond to people who want you to tell them why you left.
6. In my opinion, if you find a new church to attend, you will need to meet with that pastor and tell him the reasons you left the old church.
God bless.

[Amanah]

there is NOTHING more important then the souls of your children, if you are in an abusive situation, will they want to attend church when they are adults?

[MawMaw]

If everything is as you say, I'd definitely take my family and
find another church. Praying for you all!

[Sister Alvear]

praying for you to find the way....