Cancer and Other Disease Support

[ILG]

Most of you know me on here and most of you know that my husband had testicular cancer surgery and radiation in the late fall of '07. You may or may not know that he had bladder cancer a few years previous to that.

I wanted to start a thread where people could talk about these issues and get support from each other. I was mentioning some of my struggle to a co-worker this morning and she said "Do you have nayone to talk to about this?" and I said no. She mentioned finding a support group. I may do that sometime, but I thought it might alos be good to have something here.

I found that through the diagnosis,surgery and radiation, I coped fairly well. Afterwards, I started really thinking about my financial situation if I were to lose my husband. I am still in that situation except for having thought hard about it and taking a CNA class. I work 20 hours a week and could not support myself although my husband has life insurance. Realistically though, if he happened to die of cancer, he could end up leaving his job and we would not have the insurance.

His prognosis is good. His last two check-ups were cancer free. And yet, with his history, I can't help but thing about these things. Some people would have gone right out and gotten a full-time job, I suppose. But that just doesn't feel right right now.

So, I am dealing with fear. Every time a check-up rolls around I get panic attacks. Also there is the question of diet and food and how much we are responsible for our own conditions. Sometimes I just want to forget about it. Sometimes I want to make more changes.

So, can some of you others relate to these fears and how are you dealing with them?

Thanks.

[Cindy]

I can relate but not from the standpoint of my husband having cancer. He does however have diabetes and heart and other problems associated with this disease. We do have good insurance and a 401k. However I am not working and haven't nor do I ever expect I will be able to. I have health issues of my own. I too struggle with fear sometimes. And I just distract myself to keep from getting scared and depressed. I have never talked to anyone about my fears either.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Cindy

I can relate but not from the standpoint of my husband having cancer. He does however have diabetes and heart and other problems associated with this disease. We do have good insurance and a 401k. However I am not working and haven't nor do I ever expect I will be able to. I have health issues of my own. I too struggle with fear sometimes. And I just distract myself to keep from getting scared and depressed. I have never talked to anyone about my fears either.

I find distracting myself to be the best thing for the most part.

How do you deal with the nutritional aspect? I have a real hard time finding the right balance with the food thing.

[Cindy]

Originally Posted by ILG

I find distracting myself to be the best thing for the most part.

How do you deal with the nutritional aspect? I have a real hard time finding the right balance with the food thing.

Girl, to tell you the truth. It doesn't matter how good our intentions are, he eats a lot of things he shouldn't. He will do well for a week or two, and then just kind of fall back into his old habits. He tries hard, but he loves to eat. He is doing much better since he started seeing a specialist. He is now on a synthetic insulin. His appetite has decreased, his blood pressure is down, and he has lost weight. But he struggles with sweets and other foods that are not healthy. He does drink a lot more water now. At times he drinks unsweet tea, or a diet drink. The diet drinks are a real problem.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Cindy

Girl, to tell you the truth. It doesn't matter how good our intentions are, he eats a lot of things he shouldn't. He will do well for a week or two, and then just kind of fall back into his old habits. He tries hard, but he loves to eat. He is doing much better since he started seeing a specialist. He is now on a synthetic insulin. His appetite has decreased, his blood pressure is down, and he has lost weight. But he struggles with sweets and other foods that are not healthy. He does drink a lot more water now. At times he drinks unsweet tea, or a diet drink. The diet drinks are a real problem.

Well, my husband said he would try some vegetarian meals once in a while and he does and he takes supplements and does some exercising. But when I get busy and am too tired to figure out a vegetarian meal or we go out to eat, I sometimes feel guilty. And he also does not eat very well. He thinks he is doing great and I have a hard time not criticizing his eating. But criticizing doesn't help and I know it. He eats a fair amount of sweets and fat stuff. I buy whatever is in the house and I think moderation. But moderation to me and to him is apparently two different things. Should I care? Should I say "He's responsible for what he puts in his own mouth!" Or should I never buy the stuff? Or how much does it matter? We can sit down to the same meal and I can put a lot of veggies on my plate with a little meat and he will have a lot of meat and a few veggies. That's a man too, I realize. Anyway, I feel like if I can make peace with myself here, maybe I can let the rest go between him and God. How do you deal with this?

[Cindy]

Originally Posted by ILG

Well, my husband said he would try some vegetarian meals once in a while and he does and he takes supplements and does some exercising. But when I get busy and am too tired to figure out a vegetarian meal or we go out to eat, I sometimes feel guilty. And he also does not eat very well. He thinks he is doing great and I have a hard time not criticizing his eating. But criticizing doesn't help and I know it. He eats a fair amount of sweets and fat stuff. I buy whatever is in the house and I think moderation. But moderation to me and to him is apparently two different things. Should I care? Should I say "He's responsible for what he puts in his own mouth!" Or should I never buy the stuff? Or how much does it matter? We can sit down to the same meal and I can put a lot of veggies on my plate with a little meat and he will have a lot of meat and a few veggies. That's a man too, I realize. Anyway, I feel like if I can make peace with myself here, maybe I can let the rest go between him and God. How do you deal with this?

I know exactly what you are talking about. It does help some that we have a garden every year. But the rest of the year we don't eat as healthy as we should. I don't criticize him either, but I do get frustrated when he won't get up and get his (snacks), usually candy, cookies, or ice cream. But expects me to.....surprise.....lol. He works hard and when he gets home he is in the recliner pretty much until bed time. Of course he does work 2 hours away from home so he is very tired. I just try to not worry so much, and just try to do whatever I can to keep from getting upset with him.

[OneAccord]

ILG,

This is such an important and needed topic. I'd say, most, if not all, who read these thread have, are or will at some point, need help in dealing with this. I know I did. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for people on AFF helping me thru this last year.

I wanted to be an encouragement to people like you who are going thru this but, I am afraid I can't be much encouragement. After all, well, you know the outcome of my situation and I don't want to add to your fears and concerns. I've purposely avoided prayer requests or threads that dealt with cancer, because, well, again...you know the outcome.

But through it all, I can tell you this, as I said then, God did not fail. No, the outcome wasn't what I prayed for...it wasn't what I hoped for. It was what it was, but, God didn't fail. Lola's passing was just another part of her life experience. Whether or not her death was a part of God's Master Plan, I don't know. And don't really care. I just accept her death as the end of the good life she lived. Her death wasn't the result of some sin, or lack of faith...it just was.

But, I've been there sister. The surgery (would she wake up after surgery, would she know me?). The radiation, the chemo. With every treatment, with every day, I watched her slip further away. So, all I could do..and all you can do...is put it in God's hands and just accept what will be, will be. I know thats not helpful, but thats all there really is.

Do your best to keep his spirits up...keep him fighting. And keep praying. I wish I could say more, but know this...you aren't alone. I'll be praying for you and Mr. ILG.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Cindy

I know exactly what you are talking about. It does help some that we have a garden every year. But the rest of the year we don't eat as healthy as we should. I don't criticize him either, but I do get frustrated when he won't get up and get his (snacks), usually candy, cookies, or ice cream. But expects me to.....surprise.....lol. He works hard and when he gets home he is in the recliner pretty much until bed time. Of course he does work 2 hours away from home so he is very tired. I just try to not worry so much, and just try to do whatever I can to keep from getting upset with him.

Yes, I know I just need to find where I can be comfortable between me and God and let the rest go. But I can see why you would not want to get your husband's snacks!!

[ILG]

Thanks, OA, your post brought tears to my eyes. As you know, when you wrote me a PM while my husband was going through radiation, I was just kind of shell-shocked, numb and didn't respond much. But I want to talk now. I think your posting and opinions are very valuable here. The reason I say that is that you have lived and been through my greatest fear. Even if I never go through it, knowing that you have can give me and others strength. You have been through the valley, and still believe in God and still praise Him.

If you have lived my greatest fear, and say it willbe okay, it gives me hope and strength. So, please talk and pour your heart out here. You say this is the second wife you've lost isn't it? How can you make it and still not be bitter and angry and hate God? This is a very sober subject and a very pointed question, but brother, please share. I'm afraid I might hate God if my fears come true. How much can I control? How much should I try to? I want to just live Ecclesiastes and eat, drink and enjoy the fruits of our labor and each other.

The tears are pouring now. I guess I've been more full of fear than I've wanted to admit. Thank you for lettting me pour my heart out.

[OneAccord]

I'm very sorry to have brought tears, as that is exactly what I didn't want to do. But, you need that. Lord knows I needed every tear, because, without them, I would have become bitter. And angry. But, you know.... I believe thats okay, too. I remember one time when Lola was in the hospital. She "went off" on me. This woman who never spoke a harsh word to me, was now saying such hateful things. I had never heard her do that before. But, quietly, I told her to go ahead, get it out. Because she wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the cancer. If you became angry (and you will, because you care), you may direct your anger at God... but He knows its not Him that your angry at... your angry at this "thing". God understands that and, He will quietly let you vent. Its okay. After you have, just wait, He'll in some way show you how much He does care.

Yes, I have been thru this twice. My first wife was murdered in 1988. I did get angry. I hated God. But it took me a while, a long while to face the fact God didn't kill my wife. Two men did. And God didn't take Lola. Cancer did. Yes, God could have intervened, but He didn't. Why? I don't know. I'd like to know why He didn't, but, like Job, I can't sin by hating God for not intervening, and I can't "charge God foolishly" because I can't see tomorrow or next year. He can, so, I have to trust that He knows best. Again, thats not much consolation, but, thats all there is.

The Bible tells us this: He is an EVER PRESENT help in the time of need. He is EVER PRESENT. He is present in life, and in death. He's present when His presence is obvious and He is present when it seems He's a million miles away. He is EVER PRESENT. I know what you mean. Lola and I wanted to grow old together. We were suppose to watch our grandson grow up to have his own kids. We were suppose to have years and years of happiness together. And I was suppose to go before her. And at least thats what I wanted. But, God knows best, and He doesn't fail.

I feel the fear in your words. But, listen, the Bible tells us fear has torment. Don't let fear torment you. The main thing is to let God minister to you now. I think thats one thing that helped me. As soon as Lola got sick, we began to look to Him. We prayed for healing, He gave comfort. We prayed for health, He gave strength. He knows out desires, but He also knows what journey our lives will take. Allow Him to strengthen you, by lifting up your faith until you reach that point that you can put it in His hands. Your husband is with you, for that be thankful. Be thankful for everyday you have together. And believe for many years together. And always know this: HE IS AN EVER PRESENT HELP.