Dear Rhoni

[Barb]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

See...I knew I was right...under that rough exterior is a true gentleman and loving father.

[Rhoni]

Dear Rhoni,

I have a son that is in the fourth grade that is constantly getting into trouble at school for talking. He tells me that his mission in life is to talk. He says that he cannot help himself. His teacher told us that she doesn’t know what else to do to get him to keep quiet.

Today, one of his friends was being jumped on by another student so my son defends his friend by kicking the other child. The child that he kicked is an enemy of his and they must be kept separated. They happen to be on the same baseball team. This kid really has it out for my son because last year during baseball, my son accidentally kicked him in his privates when several of the kids were playing wrestling. At baseball practice the other night, this kid had my child in a head lock. My husband and I have asked our son to stay away from this child because they do not get along. If my son gets in trouble for fighting at school again, he will be suspended. I don’t know how to discipline him any more. We have taken things away from him i.e. playstation, tv, playing time with his friends, going to bed early, etc. Nothing seems to make him want to do better. We have spanked him on occasion but rarely. I don’t like spanking.

Do you have any suggestions as to how we can get him to comply?

Sincerely,
Frustrated

This came in yesterday...

[Rhoni]

Dear Frustrated;

We have two separate issues here: the talking in class, and then the conflict with the other young man. Let's address each issue individually:

#1. Talking in class - now this is not new to kids this age, or any age for that matter! LOL. At this pre-adolescent stage they are just coming to form their own opinions , separate from their parents, and they are beginning to be social and connect with other friends based on some commonalities.

Since negative reinforcement has not been successful, lets try some positive reinforcement. Bring the school teacher into the loop to help with this behavior. Ask the teacher to monitor this by sending home a report on a post-it note every night as to the number of times that the child did not have to be distracted from the behavior you are trying to change. Set up a set of rewards that are appealing ot he child, by his own suggestions [within reason]. Start with meausrable behavioral goals.

Example: Have a notebook the child can carry with him. At the end of the day, make him responsible for going to the teacher and asking how he did today on a scale of 1-10. 1 being that he was excellent and needed no reminding to stop talking and number 10 being that he needed reminding and distracted all day long. He is beginning with a 10 [this is a daily problem], and you want him to be , let's say a 4 [realistic].

Have a chart/dry erase board and keep track of the daily progress and the rewards he will receive for a good week; example: for a 7-8 average weekly report [better than a 10] then you would allow him an extra hour on the computer. For a 5-6 average week, he would get the extra hour and an hour later curfew on Friday night. For a 4-5 average week, he would get the extra hour on the computer, an hour longer curfew, and a friend to go to the movies with him on Saturday. Do not change the rules and make him responsible for the amount of reward he earns.

Follow this pattern for a month, see how it works..it may need modified for the next month to iron out the things you didn't take into consideration before. Maybe the rewards were not enough to motivate, ect...

With the behaviors being rewarded depending on his performance, we will address the next issue...

[Rhoni]

#2. Conflict with the other young man: Kids this age get into these situations. If every avenue has been exhausted to apologize regarding the accidental kicking of the young man by your son [remember, the other young man was embarrassed, lost face in front of his peers], then let your son understand...there are consequences to everyone's behaviors.

This is an opportune time to teach him about the way Christ tells us to handle conflict...turning the other cheek, a soft answer, praying for our enemies, changing outrselves if the situation can't be changed. Help your son understand why the young man was embarrassed.

With this in mind, teach him that although Christ forgives our sin, we always reap the effects the sin had on our lives. Rules/boundaries are there for a reason, to protect and teach us respect for others, as well as ourselves. Tell your son that if he gets into another such fight, then he will have to suffer the consequences of his behaviors, no matter who instigated it.

Let your son know, that if he gets expelled, you will support the school in doing it and also set up your own restrictions. If he is expelled, this means NO T.V., no talking on the phone, NO extra curricular activites. You will work on school work, and not be allowed to play. You WILL go to church [never punish your children by keeping them from church], but you can make them sit by you and not their friends, and no going out to eat with the group after service - even if it puts a damper on you as parents. Children don't understand that restriction not only affects the person who had the negative behavior, but the family system.

Do NOT make excuse for your child's behavior. Do NOT enable him to feel good about getting in trouble. Do NOT allow him a free ride even if he did not start it. Hold him accountable. Train him...that is your God instructed role as a parent.

I hope this helps! Keep us posted as to the progress, and if there are further questions please post.

Blessings, Rhoni

[Rhoni]

To all those who read this column: Many times counselors/therapists become counselors/therapists because they have unresolved issues that they need to understand and hope that in the counseling process with others...that things will come to light within themselves so they can make sense of and resolve the past. Such it has been with me.

I am fortunate to have good friends who speak the truth to me even when they know it will hurt. Love makes all the difference. With this in mind, I want to say that it has been brought to my attention by a good friend that I appear to post with bitterness about my ex-husband and his family. We have been divorced for 14 years and he has been married for 14 years in June to someone else. The separation and divorce were extremely difficult for me for many reasons, one of which was the fact I married a preacher on purpose. The purpose being that they did not get divorced. Divorce has been transgenerational in my family. I thought I would be the one to break the curse. I was wrong. The divorce was traumatic for me and compounded by the fact that I was handicapped by a severe car accident, a single parent, and unemployed.

My children have been put in the middle for the majority of their lives and have never been able to make peace with it. I have only thought about myself since my son got engaged and not about him. I know that he didn't purposely leave myself and my family out of the loop, and I know he loves me more than I even realize. It was wrong of me to make his private issues public for all to know and comment about. This was wrong of me. I love my children and grandchildren very much. They are and have been my world for quite sometime. They will always be an integral part, the best part of my life and even the best of me.

There is NOTHING they can do to make me not love them. I am sorry that they, like myself are products of a divorce. As a Christian Counselor I know there is healing for all those involved. I have NO DESIRE to ever go back to my ex-husband. I have not loved him for longer than I can remember, but I wish him no ill will, nor that of his family. I am glad that he is happily married to someone he can share his life with.

The anger and bitterness are not there anymore. There will always be a part of me hurt because of my high expectations that were not met, but I forgave them way back in 2003 and I am praying that God will free me of the hurt I feel whenever there is a family function that puts us in the same room, the same gathering, the same circle of family and friends.

Please feel free to PM me if you think I am posting without thinking. I am hereby declaring the war over and love and peace to abound in my life, with my children and grandchildren. Forgive me forum members, and children for making our private issues public. I will do my best to post more responsibily.

Love & Blessings, Rhonda/Mom

Originally Posted by Rhoni

To all those who read this column: Many times counselors/therapists become counselors/therapists because they have unresolved issues that they need to understand and hope that in the counseling process with others...that things will come to light within themselves so they can make sense of and resolve the past. Such it has been with me.

I am fortunate to have good friends who speak the truth to me even when they know it will hurt. Love makes all the difference. With this in mind, I want to say that it has been brought to my attention by a good friend that I appear to post with bitterness about my ex-husband and his family. We have been divorced for 14 years and he has been married for 14 years in June to someone else. The separation and divorce were extremely difficult for me for many reasons, one of which was the fact I married a preacher on purpose. The purpose being that they did not get divorced. Divorce has been transgenerational in my family. I thought I would be the one to break the curse. I was wrong. The divorce was traumatic for me and compounded by the fact that I was handicapped by a severe car accident, a single parent, and unemployed.

My children have been put in the middle for the majority of their lives and have never been able to make peace with it. I have only thought about myself since my son got engaged and not about him. I know that he didn't purposely leave myself and my family out of the loop, and I know he loves me more than I even realize. It was wrong of me to make his private issues public for all to know and comment about. This was wrong of me. I love my children and grandchildren very much. They are and have been my world for quite sometime. They will always be an integral part, the best part of my life and even the best of me.

There is NOTHING they can do to make me not love them. I am sorry that they, like myself are products of a divorce. As a Christian Counselor I know there is healing for all those involved. I have NO DESIRE to ever go back to my ex-husband. I have not loved him for longer than I can remember, but I wish him no ill will, nor that of his family. I am glad that he is happily married to someone he can share his life with.

The anger and bitterness are not there anymore. There will always be a part of me hurt because of my high expectations that were not met, but I forgave them way back in 2003 and I am praying that God will free me of the hurt I feel whenever there is a family function that puts us in the same room, the same gathering, the same circle of family and friends.

Please feel free to PM me if you think I am posting without thinking. I am hereby declaring the war over and love and peace to abound in my life, with my children and grandchildren. Forgive me forum members, and children for making our private issues public. I will do my best to post more responsibily.

Love & Blessings, Rhonda/Mom

I just read a bit of your postings to get an idea of what you meant. I think you are a dear lady but one thing stands out to me. Is adultery, in your opinion, a result of this transgenerational curse or was it a personal lust of the flesh problem? Transgenerational curses are a controversial subject. Divorce happens for some pretty earthy reasons, most of the time though. I think perhaps many can benefit from your hindsight.

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by apersimmon

I just read a bit of your postings to get an idea of what you meant. I think you are a dear lady but one thing stands out to me. Is adultery, in your opinion, a result of this transgenerational curse or was it a personal lust of the flesh problem? Transgenerational curses are a controversial subject. Divorce happens for some pretty earthy reasons, most of the time though. I think perhaps many can benefit from your hindsight.

First of all, I have no problem with giving hindsight or answering this question as long as you have no problem identifying yourself. My ex-husband's wife has made many attempts and posted under the name Lynne wanting to expose one of my many past sins to try to justify herself and my ex-husband's affair and adultery. If you would like to expose yourself, then I will more than willingly answer your question. I will say though...my postings in the past 4 years from FCF, NFCF, Tina's forum, and this...have been transparent and helped many through my past experience. I have hid nothing from my personal friends on this forum, those I went to JCM with, and those who have asked in PM's.

Since you and Lynne seem to want details to expose something you think that I have not already been transparent or honest about...then you search your heart as to why you want to know, or for this to be known, post your name...and we will continue this discussion.

Blessings, Rhoni

[Rhoni]

Blessings all, I have had a word from God through a prayer warrior I know, love, and respect. I owe no man an explanation or a confession as to my past sins which have been under the blood for 16 years. I post from my knowledge, experience, and my intuition. I will continue to do so. Those that feel they need to know my list of transgressions may PM me. After exposing your sins...then we will talk.

In God's Grip, Rhoni

[whollyHis]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

Blessings all, I have had a word from God through a prayer warrior I know, love, and respect. I owe no man an explanation or a confession as to my past sins which have been under the blood for 16 years. I post from my knowledge, experience, and my intuition. I will continue to do so. Those that feel they need to know my list of transgressions may PM me. After exposing your sins...then we will talk.

In God's Grip, Rhoni

Rhoni...I am so glad to made this decision...After reading these posts earlier this morning, I was heavy in my spirit- I do not believe that you owe anyone on these forums ANY explanation for ANYTHING in your life. Now, if you had sinned against a poster on the forum, and it was done publically, then we would have the proverbial horse of a different color. But, this is not the case, and I am grateful that you are 'not going there'.

Love you, and respect you.
God bless you today, and my prayer is that you will find peace in your spirit, and contentment, in spite of your past.

Walk in light, and LIFE!!!! *smile*

[Rhoni]

Thank-you Sis...*smiles back*

Love & Blessings, Rhonda