Dear Rhoni

[Rhoni]

Heartbroken in Oregon just sent me a thank-you for the advice. You are welcome and I hope it helps others.

Blessings, Rhoni

[RevDWW]

What is it called when a person post questions to themself as if it were someone else and ten answers?????

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by RevDWW

What is it called when a person post questions to themself as if it were someone else and ten answers?????

I wouldn't know...the last few have come from PM's.

Blessings, Rhoni

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

Dear Wondering,

Here are some things that may help you to understand the nature of co-dependency:

Co-Dependency Characteristics:
The primary identifying factor of co-dependency is the fact that the person/individual tends to take care of everyone around them in regards to; feelings, actions, words, everything to the neglect of themselves. The person who is co-dependent is a reactive individual who neglects to take action for him/her self.

The co-dependent person is characterized by having a dysfunctional relationship with others as well as themselves. They tend to live through others instead of for him or herself. Many times they are controlling and will blame others instead of taking responsibility for themselves and live in a state of 'Victimization' while trying to fix others. They generally will exhibit intense anxiety when it comes to intimacy issues.

*always having to take care of others at the expense of your own self
*Unable to trust your own feelings
*depression
*isolation
*Workaholism
*perfectionism
*no clear boundaries
*low self-esteem - seeks the approval in others

__________________________________________________ ________

Co-dependency is quite common in those who come from dysfunctional homes, as well as those who's parents were alcoholics and/or addicts.

To be continued...

Co-dependency revisited:

[Rhoni]

People with a co-dependent personality are often considered rescuers and are constantly trying to save people from the consequences of their behaviors. This enables the person they are trying to rescue to stay dependent on them for their well-being. They will go to great lengths to do this; giving money, lying for them, and defending them when it would be better to stay out of the middle of this person's problems. The actions/behaviors of the co-dependent person are many times well founded but executed in the wrong way. The co-dependent person needs to learn that the only one who's behaviors they can control are their own. Once the co-dependent person realizes this then they will be able to help the dysfunctional people in their lives start to take responsibility for their own actions.

Recovery for a Co-Dependent Person:

The prime objective to recovery in healing is to learn to take care of one's self and not worry about how others are going to get along. The thing that has to happen is that the co-dependent person needs to get in touch with their own feelings and actions and learn to DETACH from involvement in other people's affairs.

Detachment means using energy for yourself insted of using it on others and neglecting yourself. Understanding your own boundaries and making others do the same in regards to you is very important to the healing process of the co-dependent.

Giving your love, energy, emotions and person to a dysfunctional person is draining and can have a long-lasting effect on your life long after the individual is gone. Part of the healing process is to let go of the pain and then learn how to make your life happy again.

Blessings, Rhoni

__________________

Just wanted to look at this again all together...

[Rhoni]

Dear Rhoni,

A friend pointed out to me this week that they didn't understand why I was always letting people take advantage of me. They asked if I understood all the money and things I had given away to those who asked of me, if I had them, they would pay off a house for me. They asked if I knew who was going to care or take care of me when I had nothing left. I have been told that this is what you consider co-dependency.

If co-dependency is what I have...how do I overcome it?

CO'd to death

[Rhoni]

Dear CO'd,

It appears to me that you love others more than you love yourself. This is not scriptural. The Bible would tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves. This is different.

How can you truly love others if you do not know how to love yourself? How do you see yourself? Do you believe that you deserve to be taken advantage of by others?

Can you take care of yourself like you try to take care of others? Do you get angry when you feel someone should be taking care of you like you try to take care of others?

The only way, it appears, for some to get over their co-dependency is to be left alone and penniless and then have to take care of themselves to survive. Are you there yet? Are you so full of anger and blame everyone else for you being in the position you are in?

Before we can go on, I need to know where you are right now in your co-dependent state...try to answer some of my questions and then we'll look at the issue a little more closely.

Blessings, Rhoni

[berkeley]

Dear Rhoni,

In late 2003 I met a pk from a nearby town. We really hit it off. We have talked off and on since then. I was open with her about everything in my life. We have discussed the possibility of marriage. She had placed some distance between us, as not to distract me, giving me time to get grounded and establish a walk with God.
At the start of the yr I told her that I'm probably never going back to church, and she is waisting her time by waiting for me.
I feel like a jerk, and I really miss her. Is there anything I can do to fix things?

-los

[SDG]

Originally Posted by Berkeley

Dear Rhoni,

In late 2003 I met a pk from a nearby town. We really hit it off. We have talked off and on since then. I was open with her about everything in my life. We have discussed the possibility of marriage. She had placed some distance between us, as not to distract me, giving me time to get grounded and establish a walk with God.
At the start of the yr I told her that I'm probably never going back to church, and she is waisting her time by waiting for me.
I feel like a jerk, and I really miss her. Is there anything I can do to fix things?

-los

Picking up the phone and saying hello is a start

[mizpeh]

Originally Posted by Daniel Alicea

Picking up the phone and saying hello is a start

Dan,

What would you tell Berkley if the girl was your daughter?