More Yucks

[Sam]

THE LAWN
Paddy and Mick were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery'

"What's dat den?"asks Mick.

"Send me lawn away to be cut



FULL SERVICE STOP
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights".

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"

"No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."



THE TRAIN TICKET
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."



PARDON!
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day

. Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty

[Sam]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,..charter a double-Decker..bus for a weekend..trip to....Louisiana...

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and..the Blonde team..rode on..the top level...

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,..having a great time, When one of them realized she..hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs, she..decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the.. Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,..clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles...

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?.. We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard..and whispered.....
'YEAH, BUT..YOU'VE..GOT A DRIVER!!'

[Sam]

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.



He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.



"Yes?", asks St. Peter.



"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.



St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

[Sam]

Ole Fills In

A doctor in rural Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Ole, How was your day?”

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Great, and the second one?'’ asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,” says Ole.”

“You're good at this and what about the third one?” asks the Doctor.

”Well, I was sittin’ here and all of a sudden the door bursts opens and a woman came runnin’ in. Suddenly, she undresses herself, takin’ off everything includin’ her long johns and lies down nekkid on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!”

“What did you do?” gasps the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” answers Ole.

[Sam]

the Lawn Mower

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you.'

[Sam]

Bad News

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there and asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married.

He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

[Sam]

Obama's Restless Nights

One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barak isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies: "Go see a play."

[Cindy]

Originally Posted by Sam

Obama's Restless Nights

One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barak isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies: "Go see a play."

[Sam]

Catholic Heart Attack


A man suffered a serious heart attack, while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911, when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister ...and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated, and announced loudly, "Nuns are NOT spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."     
 

[Sam]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”