Wife\Mother Conflict....joy *long..not sorry*

jediwill83 · #1 08-05-2016, 07:49 AM

I'm not exactly expecting a "Pentecostal Dr. Phil" response but I kinda need to vent and get this off my chest.

My wife and I have a amazing 4 month old little girl. I'm a first time father and the whole experience between us three has been mindblowingly amazing and fulfilling.

That being said....

Very early during the pregnancy we moved back to my hometown. I work 2 and 3 days at a time*48\72 hour shifts* and my wife was on bed rest for much of the pregnancy so I wanted her to be around family and friends I grew up with and was raised around.

I thought, "These people know us and love us and we are having a baby so of course they are excited and my wife will have women who are kind, sensitive and caring that will rally around her and be supportive and they will form this tightknit social community bound together by the bond of femininity and motherhood and everything will be right in the world and the sun will shine and the birds will sing and everything will be amazing!!!!"

Folks...I may have erred just slightly in my prediction.

We live just a few doors down from my parents and while my dad had a pretty messed up reaction when we announced the pregnancy*Seriously I'm 33 and you would have thought I was 16 and got my girlfriend pregnant...it was THAT bad.* he has since then found use of his sense of reason and been pretty well behaved. My mother however, and the other women in my family*grandmother-mothers mom* and my aunt I feel have really dropped the ball. I feel as if they havent really accepted my wife and now that there is a child involved they feel that they can bypass a relationship with her to get to the baby...ummmm how about no.

I've had many discussions with my wife where she expresses frustration that she doesnt feel loved and accepted and that she has to jump through hoops to gain approval and acceptance. I've held her some nights while she tearfully asks, "Whats wrong with me? Why dont they like me?"

Let me move back a bit. My moms family is a bit of a matriarchy. Pretty much women in charge and at the helm of this pink and lace bedecked ship is my grandmother with her sisters and my mother in tow.

My mother is disabled*cerebral palsy* and has been treated like a baby her entire life and has never cut the apron strings. Look, seriously, I can hear you already. Dont even start. This is a seriously unhealthy thing. Anytime you are 50+ years old and your mother can make you burst into tears because she doesnt like what you're wearing...that aint kosher folks. She also is a chronic oversharer. I'm talking to the point where its uncomfortable and inappropriate. She overshares but shes not really big on listening...in fact many times when my wife would try to talk about some things SHE was going through my mother would ignore her or just change the subject without comment.

Once the baby arrived it kinda escalated and family went in to pretty much full fledged baby rabies.

We had a few rules we went by. If you want to visit just call or text before you come over. Just dont show up. Just common courtesy is all. I could have just off a two or three day shift, house could be messy, baby could be fussy or napping, wife still recovering from pregnancy and labor or exhausted from the baby keeping her up all night*again...when Im at work shes doing this by herself.* So my mom got turned down some and when you factor in the above behavior it was just some days we really didnt feel like dealing with visits from her. We couldnt just hand the baby to her. When she came over to "help" with the baby so we could get housework done we ended up babysitting her AND the baby because any thing that needed to be done with the baby she would call us to do it.*Just cant get good help these days....*

So when we started limiting visits she started complaining to the matriarchy and thus began the targeted campaign of manipulative guilt from the other women.

We had posted some pics of us and our daughter on facebook and literally at 11 pm an aunt that lives 14 miles away who hasnt called,texted, sent pony express or indian smoke signals or even came by for a visit started hijacking those posts begging us not to keep our daughter from family. My wife responded calmly saying that we would love to have her come by and just to call or text when she'd like to come by. She didnt respond to my wifes reply and posted the pic we posted on HER OWN PROFILE and tagged me in a message by name begging me to not keep my daughter from family. Again I responded calmly...no acknowledgment. The next day I made a massive post explaining our position and addressing people without naming names. I got a HUGE amount of positive feedback but from those who it referenced there again was guilt guilt guilt...totally missing the point. Wife and I ended up just deleting our facebook accounts.

Flash ahead to recently. Wife and mother situation has escalated. I'm a peacemaker at heart and hate conflict. I tried to talk to my mom and had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say and how I was going to say it and it went horrible. Just a ton of denial and defensiveness and ended up with her in tears, angry and storming off.

So we are about to go no contact for a bit. Mainly my wife and daughter are. My wife isnt trying to say I cant contact my family or anything but once we tell my mom this its basically going to kick the anthill.

So prayer would be nice.

Prayer and moving way out of state would be nicer.

FlamingZword · #2 08-07-2016, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jediwill83

I'm not exactly expecting a "Pentecostal Dr. Phil" response but I kinda need to vent and get this off my chest.

My wife and I have a amazing 4 month old little girl. I'm a first time father and the whole experience between us three has been mindblowingly amazing and fulfilling.

That being said....

Very early during the pregnancy we moved back to my hometown. I work 2 and 3 days at a time*48\72 hour shifts* and my wife was on bed rest for much of the pregnancy so I wanted her to be around family and friends I grew up with and was raised around.

I thought, "These people know us and love us and we are having a baby so of course they are excited and my wife will have women who are kind, sensitive and caring that will rally around her and be supportive and they will form this tightknit social community bound together by the bond of femininity and motherhood and everything will be right in the world and the sun will shine and the birds will sing and everything will be amazing!!!!"

Folks...I may have erred just slightly in my prediction.

We live just a few doors down from my parents and while my dad had a pretty messed up reaction when we announced the pregnancy*Seriously I'm 33 and you would have thought I was 16 and got my girlfriend pregnant...it was THAT bad.* he has since then found use of his sense of reason and been pretty well behaved. My mother however, and the other women in my family*grandmother-mothers mom* and my aunt I feel have really dropped the ball. I feel as if they havent really accepted my wife and now that there is a child involved they feel that they can bypass a relationship with her to get to the baby...ummmm how about no.

I've had many discussions with my wife where she expresses frustration that she doesnt feel loved and accepted and that she has to jump through hoops to gain approval and acceptance. I've held her some nights while she tearfully asks, "Whats wrong with me? Why dont they like me?"

Let me move back a bit. My moms family is a bit of a matriarchy. Pretty much women in charge and at the helm of this pink and lace bedecked ship is my grandmother with her sisters and my mother in tow.

My mother is disabled*cerebral palsy* and has been treated like a baby her entire life and has never cut the apron strings. Look, seriously, I can hear you already. Dont even start. This is a seriously unhealthy thing. Anytime you are 50+ years old and your mother can make you burst into tears because she doesnt like what you're wearing...that aint kosher folks. She also is a chronic oversharer. I'm talking to the point where its uncomfortable and inappropriate. She overshares but shes not really big on listening...in fact many times when my wife would try to talk about some things SHE was going through my mother would ignore her or just change the subject without comment.

Once the baby arrived it kinda escalated and family went in to pretty much full fledged baby rabies.

We had a few rules we went by. If you want to visit just call or text before you come over. Just dont show up. Just common courtesy is all. I could have just off a two or three day shift, house could be messy, baby could be fussy or napping, wife still recovering from pregnancy and labor or exhausted from the baby keeping her up all night*again...when Im at work shes doing this by herself.* So my mom got turned down some and when you factor in the above behavior it was just some days we really didnt feel like dealing with visits from her. We couldnt just hand the baby to her. When she came over to "help" with the baby so we could get housework done we ended up babysitting her AND the baby because any thing that needed to be done with the baby she would call us to do it.*Just cant get good help these days....*

So when we started limiting visits she started complaining to the matriarchy and thus began the targeted campaign of manipulative guilt from the other women.

We had posted some pics of us and our daughter on facebook and literally at 11 pm an aunt that lives 14 miles away who hasnt called,texted, sent pony express or indian smoke signals or even came by for a visit started hijacking those posts begging us not to keep our daughter from family. My wife responded calmly saying that we would love to have her come by and just to call or text when she'd like to come by. She didnt respond to my wifes reply and posted the pic we posted on HER OWN PROFILE and tagged me in a message by name begging me to not keep my daughter from family. Again I responded calmly...no acknowledgment. The next day I made a massive post explaining our position and addressing people without naming names. I got a HUGE amount of positive feedback but from those who it referenced there again was guilt guilt guilt...totally missing the point. Wife and I ended up just deleting our facebook accounts.

Flash ahead to recently. Wife and mother situation has escalated. I'm a peacemaker at heart and hate conflict. I tried to talk to my mom and had it all worked out in my head what I was going to say and how I was going to say it and it went horrible. Just a ton of denial and defensiveness and ended up with her in tears, angry and storming off.

So we are about to go no contact for a bit. Mainly my wife and daughter are. My wife isnt trying to say I cant contact my family or anything but once we tell my mom this its basically going to kick the anthill.

So prayer would be nice.

Prayer and moving way out of state would be nicer.

My standard reply is this. "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

shazeep · #3 08-07-2016, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jediwill83

So we are about to go no contact for a bit.

who could blame you? Hope you are well, and that this maybe put you back on track.

Esaias · #4 08-07-2016, 04:33 PM

Does ANYBODY have a non dysfunctional family? lol

Take care of your immediate family. Hope all gets better for you.

jediwill83 · #5 08-07-2016, 06:23 PM

thanks guys.hopefully everything will work out.

good samaritan · #6 08-07-2016, 11:00 PM

Space is always a good thing when dealing with in laws. from personal experience I can relate. When families are blending there is always trouble. It is hard for a spouse to overlook the personality quirks of our parents that we have become almost numb to from 18+ years of childhood. Mothers are often unreasonable with their expectations on daughter in laws. My advice would be to always honor your father and mother and love and care for your wife, good luck lol. Don't give up on anyone, and know if you don't burn any bridges it usually gets better with time.

votivesoul · #7 08-13-2016, 02:23 AM

In my own life, if this may at all help, I find God keeps bringing certain situations around until I deal with them.

If the situation you've presented is exactly as you say, then what is needed is confrontation, confession, and repentance. In-laws have destroyed many a marriage.

But in the end, you don't go home and go to bed with mama or papa, or whoever. You go home to your God-given spouse. She's the one you need to please and make happy, or else you will lose your marriage to save face at home.

Not worth it, bro.

LOVE JESUS · #8 08-13-2016, 11:46 AM

My standard reply is this. "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
__________________
Sounds like it won't get better until you move away. Would it be possible to move out of the area - far enough away that they can't just drop in? Get a post office box so they don't know where you live. Keep them posted with pictures and honor them but a new Mother does not need to have to deal with this. The two of you need to enjoy that baby and each other and not have to worry about being a peacemaker. Just my opinion..

jediwill83 · #9 08-17-2016, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by votivesoul

In my own life, if this may at all help, I find God keeps bringing certain situations around until I deal with them.

If the situation you've presented is exactly as you say, then what is needed is confrontation, confession, and repentance. In-laws have destroyed many a marriage.

But in the end, you don't go home and go to bed with mama or papa, or whoever. You go home to your God-given spouse. She's the one you need to please and make happy, or else you will lose your marriage to save face at home.

Not worth it, bro.

Trust me. I get it. I'm not a momma or daddys boy. It was a mistake moving back so close but at the beginning of the pregnancy we were having some marital issues and I thought family would be a more stabilizing influence and I thought it would be good for us to be around people I thought was going to be more supportive. I'm all for getting some distance now. I just dont like conflict so close to where I live. My mother is totally clueless as to why my wife doesnt want to talk to her.

LetUsReason · #10 08-14-2020, 09:21 PM

Take some time to watch some YouTube videos on "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by people who have dealt with family members who either have the disorder or have traits. My wife and I have dealt with this and have had to "permanently" cut off parents. Unfortunately, with some people you have no choice. This may not be your situation, but give it a look and see if what you're dealing with aligns with the traits they discuss. For me there was no other option if I wanted peace and calm for my wife. Of course, cutting of parents is a last resort action and not recommended for everyone. But there are situations where the other person doesn't want peace and you should not feel bad about doing what you have to do. I am SO GLAD we did that and have never looked back. Your case may be alleviated simply by putting some distance between you and by limiting contact. At the end of the day, your wife and child are now your family and your parents/siblings etc are secondary in every way. You must "leave" in order to "cleave", as I heard someone cutely phrase it. haha.