*** OPs vs. TPs: To Kiss or Not to Kiss? [NCO Exclusive]***

[SDG]

Our very own, JG ... hits another home run ... with his latest satirical blog article at the New Church Order website, entitled, "Greet the Brethren: A Brief Theological/Historical Treatise". You wanna read this one ... it will not disappoint.

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Posted w/ his permission.
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Greet the Brethren
by James Griffin

(A Brief Historical/Theological Treatise)

Some time after the first century following the final canonization of scripture, came a movement to insure that every Pauline edict made to the New Testament church was followed to the letter. The reasons for being so restrictive were numerous. While the Old Testament might be relevant to such mundane things as the history of Israel, typology of Christ and the like, they simply were not germane to modern church governance and post-salvation conduct. Similarly, the four gospels should be relegated to secondary status because they served no purpose beyond leading the “sinner” to Christ. Since those involved in such research were obviously “saved” (having once duly repented, been water baptized, and spirit filled) what mattered most was to study the writings of Paul concerning church hierarchy and personal holiness.

In this spirit all the words written by Paul in the imperative (command) form of Greek where categorized and studied at length and in detail to make sure that church law, especially post-salvation truths, were followed to the letter. One scholar on the project was shocked to discover Paul had thus “commanded” saints to greet the brethren with a kiss no less than four times (and even Peter had commanded it once). It was, therefore, maintained that the kissing should start immediately in keeping with the Apostle’s command. A few scholars pointed out that while this form of greeting was common in Paul’s time, there were relatively few modern countries (mostly European, and Middle Eastern) where this was still common practice. Some even suggested this teaching of Paul was instead culturally relative and furthermore, since it was post-salvation, perhaps these type issues could be, to a degree, open to interpretation. The majority met in council and decided there was only one Christian way to handle such matters. The heretics were crucified.

Theologians and church leaders then, through a series of councils, subsequently concluded that a kiss in most countries currently was defined as full lip contact. The doctrine was then refined on such fine points as duration of the kiss, whether or not a hug was mandatory and such like. This task of refining post-salvation doctrine, of course, involved the best and brightest minds for centuries until there was a basic canonical understanding of what constituted the correct form of apostolic greeting. The final edict was then reduced to a mere three-page document.

However in the early 1600s a monk doing independent research through ancient historic writings found what he believed to be irrefutable proof that in the areas of the world and contemporaneous to the writings of Paul the normative greeting was not a full lip one at all, but rather more like a peck on the cheek.

After much soul searching he documented and published his research knowing full well the rift it would cause. Christendom instantly erupted into chaos and pandemonium. Camps were quickly formed and divided into the “lip locks” and the “cheek pecks”. Lip Locks issued position pieces that Sola Scriptura was the hermeneutical standard. The Cheek Pecks responded they were not adding to scripture but merely using historical texts to better place it in context with its historical meaning and, therefore, application. Of course the fight escalated, and the ensuing mayhem has been well documented elsewhere. Millions of lives lost to both battle and torture, incalculable property damage, and resources expended over the next centuries. (See also Inquisition, Reformation, and Counter-reformation). Eventually an uneasy peace accord was reached and in most areas of the world the LLs and the CPs learned to co-exist. While there is of course no fellowship, at least, the bloodshed has stopped for now.

A more recent but very fascinating phenomenon has been noted among the CPs. Apparently schisms have formed on whether or not the Apostles used one cheek peck or three. Both sides of course still agree on the plan of salvation (the reader will note once again this is a post-salvation treatise), and that a peck on the cheek is how Paul had commanded the brethren to be greeted. While most non-Christians have trouble grasping these nuances, the positions are basically as follows: the OP (one peck) camp believes the legal obligation to be completed with a single kiss thereby fulfilled the spirit of Paul’s edict, the TP (three peck) camp maintains that without all three individual pecks the kissing requirement has not been met and therefore the greeting falls short of Paul’s mandate. Some within the TP camp even maintain that perhaps since the OPs are unwilling to literally fulfill Paul’s commandments that perhaps their very salvation should be brought into question. Obviously, these two schisms within the CP movement no longer fellowship but at least, as of yet, there does not appear to be any bloodshed. This development is being watched with great interest by theologians and non-Christians alike. Who knows what other future discoveries and additions to the plan of salvation may be found? We truly live in exciting times.

EPILOGUE

As groups of believers pass on and find themselves on the other side, they are continually amazed, and some even appalled, to find both LLs and CPs (including both the OP and TP factions) are among them. Horrified by this turn of events and seeking explanation they note a door with the sign ANSWERS hanging over it. Upon entering the room they find tables containing piles of pamphlets separated by topic. Each side runs to the various tables seeking affirmation that they were right. The longest line is invariably for the pamphlets written by the Apostle Paul on standards of holiness.

They are universally shocked, however, by one he had written entitled “A Simple Handshake Would Have Been Fine!” It went on to explain that while Paul was overjoyed that his writings had been used to direct sinners to the gospel, he was heartbroken that the guidelines he had written had been used as weapons to turn Christian against Christian. He explained, again, themes such as agape as the foundation of Christianity. Holiness is a state of being, not a code of conduct. What you wear, eat, drink, and watched are superfluous without love. That the same act can be sin to one and yet not to another. If the fruits like gentleness, kindness, meekness, longsuffering are missing, then standards mean nothing. Preaching standards without demonstrating love is legalism. And finally if you choose to live by the law, you will be judged by the law.

As these truths are still being absorbed, the crowd is ushered into a great auditorium. There, for the next several thousand years they are made to view the destruction wrought by Christian attacking Christian because of differences in interpreting the proper standards Christians should follow.

Every life affected by the Inquisition, Reformation, and Counter-Reformation is shown in detail. From those literally tortured and killed merely for expressing their views to those who had their spirits killed from within because they were refused fellowship. Then the display changes to show how the world would have been different if love and tolerance had reigned. Not only would so much pain and suffering have been avoided within the Christian community, but by Christians demonstrating love and unifying their efforts millions more would have been won to Christ.

When the viewing finally ends, the pain and anguish in the room is palpable. Every single soul is crushed and devastated by the destruction they had wrought.

One cries out, “I never knew heaven could be a place where you would feel such pain!” A laugh breaks out from the rear of the room. The projectionist reaches for the replay button and is heard to proclaim, “Who said you are in heaven?”

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Dang!!! Talk about being inciteful/insightful.

Comments, questions ... need someone to decode it for you?