A question for step parents

[Theresa]

For all those out there who are step parents - how do you handle disagreements in regards to your step children?

For instance - I have a 14 yr old step son that has lived with me since he was 9. I've been his primary support since the day he walked in my life. (he doesnt really get along with his mom so he's always been with his dad) His dad wasnt always the most responsbile person and wasnt financially able to support himself and his children - so we lived together before we were married (and before we got back in church...)


I said all that to illustrate how long the child has been in my life.....

Well, I'm the sole support for our family and have been for a very long time. I pay all the bills, buy all their clothes, all the extra stuff kids have to have, I'm the one he (child) comes to when he's "mad" at his dad....all that kind of stuff..

Well, as you can imagine, he lives a competely different life when he's at his moms every other weekend....cusses, listens to music we dont approve of, watches things we dont approve of....etc. We found some things a few months back on a myspace page he had and he was grounded and forbidden to be on myspace - well, in coverstation with his mom yesterday - it was brought to light that he's doing things at her house and behind our backs that we have expressley forbidden him to do....like having a secret myspace page - and he lied to us about an incident with some kids in our neighborhood - kids he's been forbidden to hang with b/c they are trouble and rumored to do things not only wrong, but illegal. His mom didnt know this, and allowed him to have these kids over to her house....

I caught him last week listening to the most foul music, on his IPOD, in our home....he'd promised me just the week before that there was NO inappopriate music on his IPOD (he took it to youth convention) Come to find out, there was NO appropriate music on his IPOD. I'm talking 4 letter words, every other word - crude sexual language...etc.

The IPOD is now in my dresser drawer, and I will NOT give it back to him. I paid 300 for that thing and he flat out lied to me - in fact, he's lied about a lot of things lately.....he doesnt know what I do know to be fact....

in conversation with his mom yesterday, even more stuff was brought to light, she had no idea what she was telling me...

Here's my problem..

my husband refuses to even discuss it. 1. He thinks the mom is a liar 2. he says whatever problems she's having out of him is of no concern to him and any problems he's having are none of her business. 3. he doesnt believe that his child is doing anything wrong


Well, his mom is no saint, she's actually quite the horror story herself. BUT, the son is doing things SHE doesnt approve of....

and I know there is some truth to what she's saying - I know the kid is failing some of his classes in school b/c he's just being lazy, and he lies about a lot of stupid things.

I know some of it is the age, and the outside influence he has from his mothers home....

but my husband refuses to acknowledge there is a problem - when he does catch the kid in a lie and he gets in trouble for something, he screams and yells for about 10 minutes, but does NOTHING about the problem. He allows him to be lazy, a slob and not take any responsibility in our home.

I dont tolerate it - I make him do chores, I ride him about his homework, and I confront him about his grades. this only causes problems with my husband.


I'm tired of being the sole support for a child that will not respect the rules of our home....and to a husband frankly that also treats me like I'm good enough to provide for his kids, but I have to sit back and take this mess- and clean up the mess they leave behind both literally and not....


what do you do when you are in disagreement about step children?

I've so over being good enough to be the sole financial support for children but not good enough to have input in their raising.....everything I say is taken as "trying to start something"........I'm ready to tell their dad to hit the road and try to do it on his own..see how long he'd last.


any input?