Our church is one of the few I know of locally that still observes "foot-washing" along with our communion service. A friend of mine who has just recently embarked on his first pastorate, called me asking for advice on conducting foot-washing and I happily sent him a copy of my notes on the subject. He called back after the service bemoaning the fact that many of the congregants who came for communion made a hasty and early exit when they realized foot-washing would also be part of the service. He did not realize that so many people had no interest in foot-washing and that many would actually get upset at the idea. I assured him that nobody likes doing it at our church either, which is partly the reason we continue to do it!
(humility is not usually synonymous with emotional pleasure). But after thinking about how resistant people in our present culture are to such base experiences and being the progressive revivalist that I am, I decided maybe it would be best to put this annoying, inconvenient practice to rest once and for all and institute in its place a new tradition that will be more amenable to the quirky, self-serving Christians who no doubt constitute a powerful political force within the four walls of many present-day assemblies.
If any would care to join me in my quest, may I suggest out with the old and in with the new in 2010: Let's replace Foot-Washing with Handwashing!
Below is my rough draft of the suggested service format. I am open to further input from anyone who can think of things we can do to tweak the format and make it an experience that all will enjoy....
HAND-WASHING SERVICE FORMAT:
1. Each person shall walk up to another, stand eye to eye, and squirt a puddle of Germ-X into their outstretched palms, which they have subtly cupped to form the shape of the very religious "praying hands" position.
2. Grab your hand-washing partner by the wrists and say with Apostolic authority, "BE THOU CLEAN!".
(This is much more sanitary than actually touching their hands, although the hands are no doubt wholly sanctified due to the praying hands position that has already invoked the needed sacred aura.)
3. The recipient of the blessing shall then say,
"I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling which is in Christ Jesus, My Kinsman Redeemer and Personal Savior as defined by the local Ministerial Alliance with a vote of 5 yeas, 0 nays, and 17 abstaining."
Note: It is very important that the recipient actually press their hands together at the exact moment that they say the words, "I press". This will disseminate the cleansing agent evenly across the palms and will prove to all present that the recipient indeed fully intends to be a doer of the word and not a hearer only.
4. While holding firmly onto the wrists, move them in a counter-clockwise rotation symbolizing the power of God to turn back the hands of time and restore us to Eden and if really lucky possibly even Eternity.
5. Conclude by shouting "MY BROTHER (or sister), GO AND SHEW THYSELF UNTO THE PRIEST AND OFFER THE GIFT REQUIRED BY MOSES!"
Optional: Parishioners may spontaneously burst into a previously agreed upon hymn if the ceremony has lifted them to new spiritual heights.
THE END.
'Some folk don't understand that the middle "F" in AFF is the most important ingredient!' -noeticknight
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