Can You Help Me Out?

[ILG]

My comments the other day on another thread got me to thinking about my upbringing. The below questions are from an Adult Children of Alcoholics webpage. I have had definite problems with almost all these things my whole life. As number 1 says "you don't really know what normal is" and so, my questions for your help is to help me identify normality. I need to do a kind of test here....not just from adult children of alcoholics but of others who grew up more normally....because I want to know how much trouble other people have with these issues. It's not enough to say "I have trouble with these issues" but a person also needs to know what the rest of the world struggles with and deals with. So, will you take this test and help me know and determine how much the rest of the population deals with these issues? I appreciate your help! I have worked on all these issues, having had knowledge of the issues from way back, and I would say that I still deal with all of it, it is not whether or not a person is dealing with it but a person can have some mild dealings with each issue or extreme dealings with each issue. I would say early on I had extreme dealings with these issues and over time I have learned to lessen the impact. So, please help me out here!!


1. Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?
It may be because you don't really know what 'normal' is - you have to try to figure it out from the actions and relations of others.

2. Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?
What seems routine to you might be considered 'over-achieving' by everybody around you.

3. Do you fear criticism?
In childhood 'criticism' often was accompanied by some form of abuse, verbal or otherwise.

4. Do you over-extend yourself?
Just carrying a normal work load was never good enough. You had to do more to avoid the rage of the alcoholic.

5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behaviour?
Without knowing it, you probably developed a pattern in childhood of approaching everything 'alcoholically'.

6. Do you have a need for perfection?
One little slip up and the alcoholic might explode into anger. That deep-seeded fear can carry over into adulthood.

7. Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?
The alcoholic always sabotaged the 'good times' like holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. Things never turned out the way it was planned.

8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
People can become addicted to excitement. They find 'normal' people and situations boring.

9. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?
There is always the nagging feeling that you were somehow responsible for the alcoholic's drinking. Maybe if you had done something differently . . . .

10. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?
You are comfortable in the 'caretaker' role, but extremely uncomfortable doing things for yourself, like spending money on something just for you.

11. Do you isolate yourself from other people?
If they get too close, they may find out your 'secrets'!

12. Do you respond with fear to authority figures and angry people?
The authority figures in your childhood were probably abusive. You expect the same from all authority figures. When the alcoholic became angry, it usually meant something extreme was about to happen.

13. Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?
You grew up with someone who was an expert at controlling and manipulating everyone around them. Trust is not something that comes naturally.

14. Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?
Possibly the only 'love' that you saw demonstrated in childhood was the love the alcoholic had for the bottle.

15. Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?
You may be attracted to people who 'need' you or people you know that you can 'fix'.

16. Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and abusive?
Again, normal people bore you and you don't understand them. You are more comfortable around people who you can relate to and won't judge you.

17. Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?
It may be from your deep-seeded fear of abandonment. One way or the other, your alcoholic parent emotionally or physically abandoned you for the bottle.

18. Do you mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?
How many times have you heard, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." But it did!

19. Do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions?
You were told that it was not okay to cry. You were never allowed to be angry and if you were you faced serious consequences or ridicule.

20.Do you think parental drinking may have affected you?
Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. But it would be extremely difficult to grow up around excessive drinking and not be somehow affected.

[Ron]

I think these are good & valid questions, but I do not think it is a "one size fits all" questionnaire I think anyways.

I too was the child of an alcoholic & it does affect you in many ways, thank God Jesus truly is the answer for what ails us, although it can not undo our upbringing.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Ron

I think these are good & valid questions, but I do not think it is a "one size fits all" questionnaire I think anyways.

I too was the child of an alcoholic & it does affect you in many ways, thank God Jesus truly is the answer for what ails us, although it can not undo our upbringing.

Yes, my concern with these things is, first of all, yes, they fit, but, don't they fit everybody to some degree? Or maybe they don't and I just think they do?

[Ron]

Originally Posted by ILG

Yes, my concern with these things is, first of all, yes, they fit, but, don't they fit everybody to some degree? Or maybe they don't and I just think they do?

I don't know, I have been in the Church almost 26 years & God (trust me) has been working with me on a lot of issues since that time.

I have gotten victory over some & still struggle with others, what I try to do is let God have control, less of me, & more of him.

Some questions like #7 I don't have but I do, after a sort.

If things are going fine, I usually am looking for another shoe to drop & for that old slew foot to rear his ugly head as he doesn't want life to go smoothly for me.

So is that question valid or no, I am not sure.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Ron

I don't know, I have been in the Church almost 26 years & God (trust me) has been working with me on a lot of issues since that time.

I have gotten victory over some & still struggle with others, what I try to do is let God have control, less of me, & more of him.

Some questions like #7 I don't have but I do, after a sort.

If things are going fine, I usually am looking for another shoe to drop & for that old slew foot to rear his ugly head as he doesn't want life to go smoothly for me.

So is that question valid or no, I am not sure.

Yes, and how do you know when you've arrived to "normal"? LOL! I mean, what is normal? Isn't normal a relative term for "just about as messed up as you"?

And yet, on the flip side, I don't want to minimize the impact that living in a upside down thinking process with abuse has on a person. It's hard. I don't like the abnormality of being an adult child of an alcoholic nor the minimization of the impact it has on a little kid's mind.

[Pressing-On]

Originally Posted by ILG

Yes, my concern with these things is, first of all, yes, they fit, but, don't they fit everybody to some degree? Or maybe they don't and I just think they do?

I agree with this, ILG! I look at the personality tests/analysis and all it appears to be in the same form of a horoscope. Personalities that blend around the whole spectrum at one time or another.

I'm a Libra - lots of room and emotions from one tilting balance to the other. LOL!

It all turns me off. I'm just me and I like all of my emotions. If there was one thing I would change - I'd just like to be wealthy living in a villa in Italy.

That's my input, which doesn't help you at all. LOL!

[rgcraig]

Wow - that IS someone I work with.

Her father was an achololic. So many of these fit her to a "T" - - so frustrating to all of us that work with her.

Very interesting.

[Ron]

Originally Posted by ILG

Yes, and how do you know when you've arrived to "normal"? LOL! I mean, what is normal? Isn't normal a relative term for "just about as messed up as you"?

And yet, on the flip side, I don't want to minimize the impact that living in a upside down thinking process with abuse has on a person. It's hard. I don't like the abnormality of being an adult child of an alcoholic nor the minimization of the impact it has on a little kid's mind.

I always say, "everyone is dysfunctional, some are just a little more dysfunctional than others!"


That being said, there is no "normal," & we who are Christians strive to be like Jesus!

That is our benchmark.

[rgcraig]

I'll attempt to take it from my perspective. Grew up in the church all my life - two parents - one sibling.

1. No
2. No
3. Yes
4. Not anymore - I use to.
5. No
6. No
7. No
8. Sometimes
9. No
10. Yes
11. No
12. No
13. No
14. No
15. No
16. No
17. No
18. No
19. No
20. N/A

[ILG]

Originally Posted by rgcraig

Wow - that IS someone I work with.

Her father was an achololic. So many of these fit her to a "T" - - so frustrating to all of us that work with her.

Very interesting.

LOL! Well, I sure hope I'm not frustrating to work with!! Actually, I get along with everyone quite well. I think my biggest flaw is wanting to work rather than chat.