From the Inbox

[Tina]

http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy...ls/blessed.htm

[Tina]

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a

classroom. The teacher was going to explain

evolution to the children. The teacher asked

a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree

outside?


TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass

outside?


TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see

if you can see the sky.


TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes

later) Yes, I saw the sky.


TEACHER: Did you see God up there?


TOMMY: No.


TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see

God because he isn't there. Possibly he just

doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the

boy some questions.


The teacher agreed and the little girl asked

the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree

outside?


TOMMY: Yes.


LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass

outside?


TOMMY: Yessssss!


LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?


TOMMY: Yessssss!


LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the

teacher?


TOMMY: Yes


LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?


TOMMY: No


LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we

were taught today in school, she possibly

may not even have one!


(You Go Girl!)


FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"

II CORINTHIANS 5:7

[Malvaro]

Author unknown
(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
... Senate Office Building
Phone ...
Washington DC 20510

Dear Senator Harkin:

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for
becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from US Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate
and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five
years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and
income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I
see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures
it out.


Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of
taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply
to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me
and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.


Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped
paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save
almost $10,000 a year.


Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter
would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school
applications, as well as "instate" tuition rates for many colleges
throughout the United States for my son.


Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden
of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age
children driving my car.


If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I
would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, Iowa

[Tina]

Writing Hints

RULES FOR BETTER WRITING.......NOT!

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

-Anonymous

[Tina]

The Weakest Link


Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time. And no cheating.

1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place.

In which position are you now?

Answer:
If you answered that you're now first, then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're second. For the next question try not to be so dim.

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer:
If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!

Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous. Take heart! (that was the dictionary's suggestion)

3 : Take 1000. Add 40.
Add another 1000.
Add 30.
1000 again.
Plus 20.
Plus 1000.
And plus 10.
What is the total ?

Answer:
5000??? Wrong again!
The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day! Although you should manage to get the last question right...

4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chache
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????

Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...

Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG!!!!!
It's obviously Marie!!! Read the question properly!!!!!

You are clearly the weakest link!

GOODBYE!!!

[Tina]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists -- 2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent nodded and said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent nodded and said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given similar instructions -- to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots rang out, one after another.

Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. The agent was just about to go in and see what was happening when the door opened and the woman stepped out, sweating profusely.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Tina]

Daily Affirmations

- As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

- To understand all is to fear all.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.


- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

[Tina]

Things to Ponder:

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If pro is the opposite of con, then is progress the opposite of congress?

If it's Zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be Twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?

Why is it called a building when it is already built?

Why is hamburger called hamburger, when it is made out of beef not ham?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

Why is it when someone eats something that tastes bad they say "Aw, this tastes gross!" and turn to you and say "Try it!" Why would I want to try it, if they already told me what it tastes like?

How do you know when invisible ink pens run out of ink?

If you drop a chameleon in water, will it turn clear?

Why do they call it a Leap Year if you ADD another day rather than subtracting one?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

How does a black cow eat green grass and produce white milk?

What happens if the grass has turned brown?

Does the milk come with extra calcium if you grew the grass with Miracle Grow?


Which way is up when you're standing on the south pole?

[Tina]

REVENGE---


She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......including the curtain rods.

[Tina]

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button. He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet." Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."