18 yr. olds... children/adults?

[Tim Rutledge]

Originally Posted by Bro-Larry

Dear Bro Tim,

I see in your kind eyes that you will do the right thing.

My advise is allow all children to stay home until marriage, but it is imperative that each one shoulder their share of the load. This takes a proportionate amount of financial and physical load off their parents, and makes life more pleasant for all concerned. Students should have a part time job to help supply their own needs. Out of school children should pay a little rent and help with chores. Mom and dad should not be cleaning their rooms and such.

I raised five girls and one son, made some mistakes early, but tried to learn from my mistakes on earlier ones.

I see five steps of transition from dependent child and full parenthood.

1) Finishing school and supporting self.
2) Moving out and paying for own room and board.
3) Service to God or country.
5) Marriage and molding self to be compatible with a mate.
6) Children.

Each of these steps is packed with stress and growing pains, therefore, each step is best taken one at a time. Sometimes they overlap unavoidably. If any child approaching adulthood will take these steps one at a time, deliberately and with purpose, it will greatly enhance their chances of a happy and successful family life, without causing undue damage to their parents.

Thanks Brother. Good advice and thoughts.

Thank you to everyone, for your kind words and encouragement.

Pray Cameron see's 19.

[Sherri]

I don't know what Cameron is doing or where he's at in life, but I will offer you hope. The worst days of my life were when my daughter walked away from God and everything she had been taught for a couple of years. I broke out in hives and thought I was going to go nuts. I kept thinking that here we were trying to win the world for Jesus and our own daughter didn't want Him.

But I had to remember back to that day in Memphis when she was six weeks old and we dedicated her to the Kingdom of God. I knew that He loved her more than we did. I didn't know where or how, but I KNEW He would bring her back. After some very hard times, she came back to the Lord and the last several years she's been doing great and just recently married a wonderful guy.

Sometimes I ask myself - what in the world did we do wrong? But honestly it just comes down to the fact that they have to "get it" for themselves. For some kids that comes alot easier than others; I don't know why. Anyway, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The things that you put in them really do come out and they realize you were a lot smarter than they thought.

[Tim Rutledge]

Originally Posted by Sherri

I don't know what Cameron is doing or where he's at in life, but I will offer you hope. The worst days of my life were when my daughter walked away from God and everything she had been taught for a couple of years. I broke out in hives and thought I was going to go nuts. I kept thinking that here we were trying to win the world for Jesus and our own daughter didn't want Him.

But I had to remember back to that day in Memphis when she was six weeks old and we dedicated her to the Kingdom of God. I knew that He loved her more than we did. I didn't know where or how, but I KNEW He would bring her back. After some very hard times, she came back to the Lord and the last several years she's been doing great and just recently married a wonderful guy.

Sometimes I ask myself - what in the world did we do wrong? But honestly it just comes down to the fact that they have to "get it" for themselves. For some kids that comes alot easier than others; I don't know why. Anyway, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The things that you put in them really do come out and they realize you were a lot smarter than they thought.

Thank you Sis. Sherri. Cam and I had a serious talk this evening that went relatively well. I appreciate you sharing.

[ForeverBlessed]

Originally Posted by Sherri

I don't know what Cameron is doing or where he's at in life, but I will offer you hope. The worst days of my life were when my daughter walked away from God and everything she had been taught for a couple of years. I broke out in hives and thought I was going to go nuts. I kept thinking that here we were trying to win the world for Jesus and our own daughter didn't want Him.

But I had to remember back to that day in Memphis when she was six weeks old and we dedicated her to the Kingdom of God. I knew that He loved her more than we did. I didn't know where or how, but I KNEW He would bring her back. After some very hard times, she came back to the Lord and the last several years she's been doing great and just recently married a wonderful guy.

Sometimes I ask myself - what in the world did we do wrong? But honestly it just comes down to the fact that they have to "get it" for themselves. For some kids that comes alot easier than others; I don't know why. Anyway, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The things that you put in them really do come out and they realize you were a lot smarter than they thought.

Sherri, you are so right.. they do have to get it for themselves. Thanks for posting your experience.. you and your posting has been a blessing to me here. I'm so glad everything has turned out well with your daughter.

I was put on Prednisone because I was so covered in what they believed was hives.. I haven't ever had them... but like I said... I cried for days and then was dealing with the hives... I knew it was nerves.. it will just about kill you.

thanks for the compliment on my girls... I pray everyday that they have a real experience on the inside.

[Sherri]

Originally Posted by ForeverBlessed

Sherri, you are so right.. they do have to get it for themselves. Thanks for posting your experience.. you and your posting has been a blessing to me here. I'm so glad everything has turned out well with your daughter.

I was put on Prednisone because I was so covered in what they believed was hives.. I haven't ever had them... but like I said... I cried for days and then was dealing with the hives... I knew it was nerves.. it will just about kill you.

thanks for the compliment on my girls... I pray everyday that they have a real experience on the inside.

It's the only time in my life I've ever had hives. I actually flew to Phoenix for a few days just to get myself together and find peace with God at that time. I am believing that my son will get through these years without the same experiences. So far.......so good. LOL!

[Jeremy]

It is a really hard situation to be in. I think that a valid argument can be made for both sides of the debate. On one hand, we all know that sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to really effect a change in their lives, but at the other hand, it is really tough not to do everything you can to help someone you love.

At the end of the day, I think that you should analyze how things are progressing. If being patient with him seems to be making a difference, then perhaps it will be worth the stress it causes you and your household to slowly bring him around. However, if you feel that your kindness is being taken advantage of and there is a conscious decision to disobey you and disrupt your home for selfish reasons, then you may need to take more drastic action.

Most likely you are somewhere in between both of those though, and are already trying to define the line between being a patient guide through the rough times and a love blinded enabler.

I wish I knew what the right answer was. When faced with the safe choice recently, I chose to let go and keep my home environment safe and peaceful to the rest of the family. I wept for days everytime I thought about the situation and wondered over and over what more I could have done. The bottom line though is that he made choices, and he was fully aware of the consequences of those choices. I gave him several chances, but there came a point where I had to draw a line and say "no more" for the sake of the rest of my family. he crossed the line with full knowledge of what was going to happen.

I don't know if I have ever hurt more than when he sat on the porch and he and I both knew I had to stand on the guidelines I had laid out and he cried and screamed lamenting his behavior. Everything inside of the heart of someone who understands the grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ rips apart at a time like that, but that was not true repentance. He was sorry he blew his chance, but he was not the least bit inclined to change his behavior once he left.

For my situation, I know what I did was right, even why it ripped my guts out. I have lived long enough to know that this is far from the end of the story, and I am hoping that he will wake up sooner than later. For now though, it seems he is insistent on learning the hard way.

[dizzyde]

Originally Posted by tstew

I think it would actually help too to remember how we were at 18. Scary thought but we turned out okay . I'm sure that you are a much better parent than you give yourself credit for.

Well, personally, I had a newborn...

But anyway, my daughter just turned 21,and recently decided that she wanted to be treated more like an adult. Up until now, I have paid all the bills, I wanted her to finish school without the added financial pressure.

But when she decided that she wanted to be treated like an adult, I was happy to oblige. She is now paying her own (astronomical because of tickets and wrecks) car insurance, her own cell phone bill, and is now responsible for half of the housekeeping. It actually has worked out quite well for me...

[Tim Rutledge]

Originally Posted by Jeremy

It is a really hard situation to be in. I think that a valid argument can be made for both sides of the debate. On one hand, we all know that sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to really effect a change in their lives, but at the other hand, it is really tough not to do everything you can to help someone you love.

At the end of the day, I think that you should analyze how things are progressing. If being patient with him seems to be making a difference, then perhaps it will be worth the stress it causes you and your household to slowly bring him around. However, if you feel that your kindness is being taken advantage of and there is a conscious decision to disobey you and disrupt your home for selfish reasons, then you may need to take more drastic action.

Most likely you are somewhere in between both of those though, and are already trying to define the line between being a patient guide through the rough times and a love blinded enabler.

I wish I knew what the right answer was. When faced with the safe choice recently, I chose to let go and keep my home environment safe and peaceful to the rest of the family. I wept for days everytime I thought about the situation and wondered over and over what more I could have done. The bottom line though is that he made choices, and he was fully aware of the consequences of those choices. I gave him several chances, but there came a point where I had to draw a line and say "no more" for the sake of the rest of my family. he crossed the line with full knowledge of what was going to happen.

I don't know if I have ever hurt more than when he sat on the porch and he and I both knew I had to stand on the guidelines I had laid out and he cried and screamed lamenting his behavior. Everything inside of the heart of someone who understands the grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ rips apart at a time like that, but that was not true repentance. He was sorry he blew his chance, but he was not the least bit inclined to change his behavior once he left.

For my situation, I know what I did was right, even why it ripped my guts out. I have lived long enough to know that this is far from the end of the story, and I am hoping that he will wake up sooner than later. For now though, it seems he is insistent on learning the hard way.

Thanks Jeremy.

Glad you found AFF.

Your still considered my "son".

[Jeremy]

Originally Posted by Tim Rutledge

Thanks Jeremy.

Glad you found AFF.

Your still considered my "son".

I'll take that any day.

[BuckeyeBukaroo]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

America is the only nation in the world that allows a time of adolesence. Maturity is individual and it corresponds to the amount of responsibility they have been given and how they handle it. It appears that men mature later than women that is why car insurance is higher for males than females.

If your son wants to be treated like an adult...let him take on the responsibilities of an adult.

Blessings,
Rhoni

Exactly. I am not sure it is ever a good idea to crush the drive for young adults for extra responsibility. We should give it to them in measure, but not necessarily based on age as much as based on how well we know our children.