Triple E's LOL Zone

[TRIPLE E]

An old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her husband died.
This is what she put on his tombstone:

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT.

Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and married another man.
After thinking at some length about it, she went to the monument maker and
had him add this to the tombstone:

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT.
P.S. I Found A Match.

[TRIPLE E]

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them
in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly,
"Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you
help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back he felt relief for the first
time in years.

The second guy, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if
Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and
tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see
everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the third man, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don’t touch me!"
he cried, "I’m on a disability pension."

[Timmy]

The preacher said, "All the men who are the boss in your family, raise your hands!" My wife told me to raise me hand, so I did!

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Stolen from another Tech Forum.

Some people just seem to have the wrong job. At my local grocery store, one of the casheires does not like me for some reason. Every time I get in her line, she uses her anti-counterfit money detecting pen on my cash. Sure, the others usually use it if I use a $100 bill, but they are cool about it. This one checks the five dollar bills, and looks at me like I am guilty while she does it.

Now I have never had a bill turn up bad at any store, and I know they are required to check them, but she just has an unusual attitude. Maybe her application to the Secret Service was denied, who knows.

So, I got one of those pens. You can get them at the local office supply store. So today, I got in her line. And she gave me a mean look and used her pen on my money, it was ok, and when she gave me my change, I laid it on the counter, looked at her, and whipped out my pen! Checked each bill, then put my change in my wallet, told her 'everything looks ok', and to 'have a nice day.'

The folks in line behind me found it amusing, but she did not. Oh well, the look on her face was worth it.

Have a good day! I did.

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during
the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during
worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday school and worship when
many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do
anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or
water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that
should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the
sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children
and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back
on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the
congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to
any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said
during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation
not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing
prayer.

[TRIPLE E]

Out West, a cowboy was driving down a dirt road, his dog riding in back of the pickup truck, his faithful horse in the trailer behind. He failed to negotiate a curve and had a terrible accident.
Sometime later, a highway patrol officer came on the scene. An animal lover, he saw the horse first. Realizing the serious nature of its injuries, he drew his service revolver and put the animal out of his misery. He walked around the accident and found the dog, also hurt critically. He couldn’t bear to hear it whine in pain, so he ended the dog’s suffering as well.
Finally he located the cowboy --who suffered multiple fractures--off in the weeds. "Hey, are you okay?" the cop asked. The cowboy took one look at the smoking revolver in the trooper’s hand and quickly replied, "Never felt better!"

[TRIPLE E]

A monk joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. After the first 10 years his superior called him in and asked, "Do you have anything to say?" The monk replied, "Food bad." After another 10 years the monk again had opportunity to voice his thoughts. He said, "Bed hard." Another 10 years went by and again he was called in before his superior. When asked if he had anything to say, he responded, "I quit." "It doesn’t surprise me a bit. You’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here."

[TRIPLE E]

An older couple died in an auto accident and taken to Heaven. As they began to look all around at their setting for eternity. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there.
The husband sneered, "If it weren’t for you and your oat bran muffins & health food , we’d have been here 15 years ago."

[TRIPLE E]

A story is told of a man who loved old books. He met an acquaintance who had just thrown away a Bible that had been stored in the attic of his ancestral home for generations. "I couldn’t read it," the friend explained. "Somebody named Guten-something had printed it." "Not Gutenberg!" the book lover exclaimed in horror. "That Bible was one of the first books ever printed. Why, a copy just sold for over two million dollars!" His friend was unimpressed. "Mine wouldn’t have brought a dollar. Some fellow named Martin Luther had scribbled all over it in German."

[TRIPLE E]

Eve was nigh Adam;Adam was naive.

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.

You remember Eve,the first woman who ever said "I haven't got a thing to wear" and meant it.

A Sunday school teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.
"Hoss" said Willie.
"wrong" said the teacher."It was Adam"
"Ah shucks!" Willie replied."I knew it was one of those Cartwrights"