Quote:
Originally Posted by votivesoul
But, for just a moment, what about simply making peace with your affliction, recognize this is the way things are, and you don't need God or some doctor to heal or treat you, you need to embrace what is happening in your life as a gift that is giving you the wonderful opportunity to know the Lord in a deeper, more meaningful way?
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Praise God. I love this entire post.
I remember how I felt after being told that I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. At first, I was insulted. I didn't want to admit it, but it made sense. It explained my mood swings, anxiety attacks, feelings of helplessness, and racing thoughts. That's when I learned that a "flashback" isn't always a visual kind of "memory" of an event. A "flashback" can be a sudden rush of anxiety, panic, and fear and other emotions that are associated with an event. These can be triggered from something, almost anything, in your environment.
For example, at a birthday cookout one of the neighbor kids set off a firecracker. Yes, it startled me, but it didn't send me instantly ducking for cover. I was still working the grill talking and laughing with family. But then my hands started trembling. I'm looking down at my hands thinking, what in the world? Next I started feeling flushed and my blood pressure started rising. The people I was talking to were still talking, they hadn't even noticed anything wrong yet. Then I realized, they'd be talking and laughing about something, and I couldn't even remember what the conversation was about. My breathing became more rapid. All the "feelings" from the past were rushing forward. I tried to smile and refocus on the conversation but my thoughts were racing. I couldn't focus. Then I felt myself starting to tear up like I wanted to just scream and weep. The nerves in my stomach made me feel like I wanted to puke. My wife asked if I were okay because she saw me all flushed, shaking, and looking dazed. I told her I felt sick. She had her brother take over the grill and I decided to go in the house to try to relax. I went to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face and that's when the intrusive thoughts started racing in. Thoughts about the military, bills, past church hurt, my sins, my divorce, things from my childhood, etc. There was no rhyme or reason to them. Anger, guilt, shame, rage, fear, condemnation, terror, anxiety all these feelings seemed to be rolled up into one big ball of explosive emotion. I wanted to drive my head through the mirror in front of me. Anything to stop this "storm" in my head. I tried to focus on breathing and where I really was and reassure myself that it's okay. My wife walked in and saw me, I must have been a mess because she rushed over to hold me. When she wrapped her arms around me I began to scream and weep like a baby. After a few minutes I felt better. My thoughts weren't racing, my heart rate wasn't racing, I felt like I could think again. But I felt exhausted. I laid down and fell asleep. That was a Friday night. I didn't wake up until Sunday at about 5:30pm. It takes so much out of you. It was only a firecracker. But it knocked over that first domino and the rest was a roller coaster ride of pure mental and emotional hell.
It's like a hurricane in your head and your thoughts are racing like a marry-go-round spinning at 100mph and you can't stop it. Will can't stop it, prayer can't stop it, I've tried praying and speaking in tongues, it doesn't stop. You feel so out of control. Sometimes it can last a few minutes. Other times a few hours. And yes, sometimes almost a week of pure "hell" in your head coming in waves. And the emotional overload and all the bodily symptoms leave you so exhausted I can't describe it.
When it hits, it can start coming on so subtle. But you "feel" that something isn't right. It's like the slow climb at the beginning of a roller coaster.
When I've turned to pastors and ministers these are the statements they made to me....
"That's just the devil, rebuke it brother."
"God gave us a sound mind, take authority in Jesus name."
"It's all in your head. You just need to focus on the Lord. Have you tried turning on praise and worship music?"
"Let's pray and rebuke this thing... [PRAYER]... now declare your victory!"
"If that happened to me, I'd just start praying in the Holy Ghost until it subsided."
"Oh, there's nothing wrong with you. Get over it already."
"You didn't serve combat, you can't have PTSD."
"This is becoming your crutch."
"There's no such thing as PTSD."
And of course there are the countless abusive and often deeply personal attacks from some posts on this forum.
Look, if it was that easy, I'd be the first to have ditched this thing. In one episode and the exhaustion that follows, you can lose an entire week. That's several days of your kids wondering why daddy has slept for two days. Several days of your wife not knowing how to help you. Several days off of work. And the mood swings can bring several days of fighting and arguing in the home.
So, I turned to Employee Care and got a referral to a Christian counselor. I had to accept that I had PTSD. I had to embrace it to actually get ahold of it. The EMDR therapies helped. Episodes became fewer and less intense. I can now tell when it is about to happen. I've found that this early stage is when I have the best chance of getting control. I fell down this past 4th of July, but it had been months before that. Things are getting better.
God hasn't healed me yet. And I've talked to other people with PTSD and anxiety disorders and my experience in this helps me because I CAN relate to them. They know that I know exactly what it's like. It's helped me pray with a couple vets and so many others who were victims or witnesses to trauma.
Paul wrote something that I try to consider when I think about this...
2 Corinthians 12:7-9 King James Version (KJV)
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Paul had a thorn in the flesh that he referred to as a "messenger of Satan" sent to "buffet" him. The New Living Translation reads, "a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud."
I think this thorn in the flesh was used by Satan to torment Paul's mind. Maybe it was the guilt and shame of having had so many Christians persecuted, even put to death. Maybe on some days these memories came in like a flood and served to be a messenger of Satan that harassed him and brought feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt, lack of self-worth, and Paul had to wait until this "messenger" was through to get back on his feet through affirming who he truly was in Christ. Paul prayed three times that God would heal or remove whatever this was. But God chose not to heal this thorn in Paul's flesh. Why? Because it kept Paul humble. It kept Paul tender. It kept Paul empathetic to the plight of others. And in Paul's weakness, God was glorified. And it was in taking glory in this infirmity that Paul found the very power of Christ. After all was said and done, I don't think Paul would have traded having this thorn for anything on earth.
What is a thorn in one's flesh? Imagine walking through thorns in sandals and as you do, you're cut and wounded by the thorny brush. You continue your journey after stepping out of the thorny brush... but a thorn remains in your skin. If you step just right, you feel that thorny brush all over again. It's a painful reminder of where you've been.
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