I don't know where to start or even go

[Kare]

I would first off like to say, thank you in advance for reading my post.

I was searching the web for some guidence and understanding about Christ and how he can forgive me for backsliding for so long. I have or thought to have been a christian for about 2 years, I was saved about 2 years ago "or atleast I think I was". I found a wonderful Baptist Church and was just starting in my walk with Christ. I suffer from PTSD and depression with suicidle thoughts and sometimes actions, my first was when i was 15, I over dosed on a bottle of pills, after that I did it again a few times during my late teens, with some help I seemed to be ok. I found christ or atleast I thought I did until I got back in a deep depression when I lost my job I stopped going to church and slowley my bible readings stopped, I then was admitted to a hospital for a few weeks for my suicidel thoughts again. This all has been within a year. Every since then I have been ashamed to go back to church even though I do want to, I just feel like everyone will feel the same about me as I feel about my self. Everyday of my life now I think of god but not for long becuase I feel he's not there to know I then proceed to do my daily activities, I guess what I'm trying to say and it's not coming out or I'm not wording in right with my run on sentences, is that I seem to only talk to god now when I'm crying in bed which is often and I ask for forgiveness and understanding about his word and to help me, but the thing is, I can't seem to forgive or even love myself to think that he can accept me, I guess I've always thought that but tried so hard to accept that he loves me and accepts me the way I am, I can't seem to agree with that. I need help, I need understanding and I need to know how I can have god help me to forgive and love myself so I can have him forgive and love me and it hurts me so deeply because I want it so much I want to be loved by him and I want to be happy, I want to really appreciate his sacrifice I want to be able to smile once in a while without crying in shame later that day because I'm ashamed of myself, I know this might not make sense to people, maybe I'm writing this to get it off my chest and it just makes sense to me. I need you lord I need you in my life and I need to feel your presence, I need your help to forgive and love myself lord please help me to be happy please help me to appreciate and really comprehend what you have done for me.

[Mercy]

Hi.

I totally understand where you are coming from (not to be confused with I know how you feel...we are all different).

My 1st attempt to take my life was when I was 7. I have battled with depression and suicide for all of my life (I am now 33). I know what you mean about not knowing how to approach God knowing how "I" feel about "me".

Every Tuesday we have prayer at the church I attend now. I always pray for the people of the world that feel exactly how you described, for God to send them "someone" to speak words of encouragement into their lives. I guess its my turn. (smile)

It has been a tough, completely an uphill battle for me the last 2 years....learning how to live. I try and focus on how much God loves me...even though I most times don’t love myself. I get consumed with my failures....my lost dreams....my disappointments…my anger.

I once heard a sermon in which the speaker talked about Jesus standing at the end....knowing all this that we go through....and how he will show us (later) why it has to be this way. He knows it hurts...but he is showing me (us) something. It was hard to totally take in but I knew it was for me because I was strugglin' so hard with taking my life at that time (last summer). The same minister has a saying "Lord I give my life for lives"....he says it all the time but I only heard it in my heart a few weeks ago.

I was praying for all the people who hurt like me, feel lonely like me...to just find Him. When the minister said that saying again I heard it in my heart that time because it became "strength" in a very weird way to me to keep "trying" so that my life, my battles, my struggles, would one day save lives...even if just one life it made a difference to me that night.

And every time I am battling (which seems almost all the time) I repeat that...."Lord, here is my life for lives" to help just....breathe. Cuz sometimes it’s a chore just to do that.

Its hard to feel God's love when you dont feel like you deserve it. I know, I’ve spent most of my life in that place. Bounced in and out of church…as recently as the last 2 years. But my focus lately is just trying to believe that “this” will mean something (my life) to someone….it will matter.

He only needs us to believe…believe He hears us. Believe He has a plan. It can be so, so hard….you are not alone.

PM me if you want to…

[misspresley]

As long as there's breath, there's mercy and hope. Learn to forgive yourself - for that's the hardest part. Surely someone on this forum knows of a church family in your area that can extend emotional support and friendship as you walk thru this time in your life. I noticed that 48 people have read your comments, and prayed for you as well. Hold on and keep walking towards Him -

[missourimary]

God is love, 1 John 4:7-8. He knows where you are and how you are hurting, and He is there, even if there are times you don't feel Him, because He promised never to leave us or forsake us. We are praying for you.

As far as how He can forgive, He can and does. All we need to do is ask him, and He does. Then take some baby steps back to Him-pick up your Bible, set aside a time each day to pray...

You might try keeping a list of all the good things that happen. Even the little bitty ones. Every day. All the little ways that God may be saying, Kare, I love you. The flower you see blooming by the road. The child that smiles at you in the grocery store. The feeling that God is hearing. The good church service. The Bible passage that speaks out to you.

How does God forgive? When I was a kid, I painted a little flat ceramic turtle. It was as good as a 9 year old usually does... others would have said, "oh, wow" and gone back to their lives. But I made this turtle, and to me it was pretty. It even had, oh, probably 10 different colors of very glossy paint on it. Beautiful! One day, my turtle, proudly displayed on my dresser, jumped off. He broke, and I cried. But I still loved my turtle. I glued him back together, put him in a safer but no less prominent spot, and though I regretted that he broke, because I made him, he was still beautiful to me... cracks and all. And often when I wonder at the love and mercy of God, I think of that multicolored flat ceramic turtle, painted by a 9 year old, broken and glued, but still loved. God made us, so He loves us and forgives us. Even when we're broken, we are beautiful in His eyes.

[JaneEyre]

Kare, please know that I am praying for you. It is OK to "PM" me, if you need to do so.

God bless,
Jane

[Ron]

A few good ladies have some good advice & are offering an ear!

All things are possible!

I am praying for you!

[Kare]

I want to say thanks to each of you for taking the time to read and pray for me, I don't even know how to express my appreciation but I am thankful.

[Ron]

Originally Posted by Kare

I want to say thanks to each of you for taking the time to read and pray for me, I don't even know how to express my appreciation but I am thankful.

You're most welcome!
Remember this, someone has done the same for us countless times over!