Joke Thread - Page 11

jwharv · #1 08-08-2007, 01:01 AM

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas."

jwharv · #2 08-09-2007, 12:43 AM

A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.

jwharv · #3 08-13-2007, 01:05 AM

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN...

* The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
* The local phone book has only one yellow page.
* Third Street is on the edge of town.
* You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
* You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
* No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
* You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
* Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.

jwharv · #4 08-13-2007, 01:06 AM

CONUNDRUM DU JOUR

Why do those caution signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

jwharv · #5 08-13-2007, 01:07 AM

THE SURPRISE

Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."

jwharv · #6 08-13-2007, 01:16 AM

THE MYSTERY BOWL

Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland. When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go on."

jwharv · #7 08-15-2007, 12:33 AM

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago . When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks, I just bought some."

rgcraig · #8 08-16-2007, 10:28 PM

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," five guys and
two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
&nb sp;Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4 wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling"
washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps
from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Instead of a bell you are called to service
by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church i f ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are,
"Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

jwharv · #9 08-17-2007, 01:27 AM

Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?
Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. “If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tails and run away,” said Bob. John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”

jwharv · #10 08-17-2007, 01:28 AM

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”