I Have AIDS

[chosenbyone]

I really don’t know where to start after reading the posts on the thread I started yesterday. I couldn’t bring myself to log on to read until a short while ago and now I’m trying to gather my thoughts.
I would like for it to be clear that I would never in any circumstance make light of the suffering of someone with AIDS. What happened to some of you who were deceived by someone claiming to have AIDS was not only an injustice to you and your good will, but all those who have AIDS. The outcome of that person’s action created reluctance for saints of God to reach out and help someone else who truly needed help.
With that said, I never asked for anyone on this forum for help, pity or compassion. It was never my intention for anyone to focus on my plight with this disease. If you were to read what I wrote, I only asked that you would consider those with AIDS as people who deserve an example of grace. Why would anyone who knows Jesus not give those so near to death and many so hungry for true compassion to show the love and compassion of Christ?
How many of you watched the video clip, Finding Grace, which was posted earlier yesterday? It relayed the stigma of shame, the isolation and the tendency to hide from the stares and condemnation that each AIDS sufferer has to endure.
Does it matter to Jesus how one got the HIV virus? Does he withhold his example of grace to those who many think are an abomination? The short answer is NO! Why then should anyone of us think ourselves better than Christ who doesn’t categorize his children and their sufferings?
I never endorsed or condoned anyone who was a gay minister. If you read the following sentence on my thread, I mentioned that they were often a hindrance to the salvation of those dying with AIDS. It was the Holy Ghost and the authority of Jesus’ name that was the only hope of those dying with AIDS. There would be no need for those gay “ministers” to be involved if more of God’s people would step up and listen to the heart of Jesus and minister to those people.

It makes me so angry to remember all those children and family members of UPC and other apostolic people who were rejected by their families. I was the one who had to comfort them and listen to their cries to be with their fathers and mothers. Where were the families that they cried for until death? They were held back by the fear of what others would say about them and their pride became their stumbling block.

I did not choose this ministry and I fought this calling as long as I could. I couldn’t have made it all these years, witnessing the despair and misery of so many, on my own. I was married in the beginning of my ministry while in California but my wife divorced me within two years. She couldn’t deal with the scorn and the shame associated with my ministry. In 1990, I moved to Houston for a fresh start and to finish my degree. For those of you wanting to confirm my validity, Bishop James Kilgore was my pastor and one of the greatest man of God I’ve ever met. He was a man of vision and allowed me to start the first AIDS care team, and the only one I know of, in a UPC church.

Though he saw the need, my fellow young ministers began to shun me and make fun of me. I didn’t let that prevent me from following the Lord’s calling. That care team was a vital ministry in that church until F.I.R.M., the Foundation of Interfaith Research Ministries created roadblocks and stopped referring clients to our team. It was also the time when the first protease inhibitors came out and people stopped dying so quickly.

I was disappointed that there were still those that needed help, but without F.I.R.M. and their license we couldn’t continue. After losing that ministry and the pressure of hiding my previous marriage from my pastor, so that I could marry the love of my life, I had a breakdown. I had to confess to my finance of my previous marriage just mere months before our marriage. I sinned against my pastor and I broke the heart of the dearest girl I’ve ever known. .

As I mentioned in my thread, I’m no saint and I spent the next three years lost in bitterness and sin, but I found my way back to my loving Savior. It was during that time away from God that I contracted the HIV virus. It was my sin and my shame that I’ve lived with everyday. I went back to hospice ministry before I was diagnosed with AIDS. I ignored all the symptoms and it wasn’t until I became so ill that I had to seek medical attention I received the news. There are over a thousand different strains of HIV and many strains don’t respond to treatment as well as the earlier strains. Some are entirely drug resistance, super viruses, and those poor souls die within months. The strain of HIV I have would be one of the later mutations of the virus. Because of my denial and refusal to seek medical treatment early on, it was very difficult for my physician to control the progression of the virus. The toxicity of the medication damaged my liver and I’m longer on any HIV medication. I’m classified as one with full blown AIDS.

I saw Bishop Kilgore around a year and a half ago and God used him to bring healing that was needed. I love that man and in my eyes he will always be my pastor. I won’t go into what happened when I started going to a particular UPC church after my meeting with Brother Kilgore. Forgive and forget, right Barb?

Now, you know the whole story and I have no more to add.

This experience has left me drained and I need to rest.

I am a sinner saved by grace and I’m not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ. My intentions were true and I hope that someone would see the need to reach out and minister to the undesirables of our society.