This was the small church I mentioned previously in another post.
I met with the pastor of this church about a week ago. We discussed all of the seemingly logical reasons I should start attending his church. We also discussed the recent message preached by my pastor concerning tithing. While the pastor of this small church also practises and teaches tithing as a "principle", he also has difficulty in using the passages in Malachi as some sort of whip to scare people into giving.
This church only had about 20 adults in attendence. Most of them do not even live in the small town where the church is located. Some drive a great distance (more than an hour) just to support this small work. I find it a bit odd that this church has been in existence more than 4 years now and does not have members from the local area. The day we visited was one promonent family's last Sunday there because they are moving out of State. So the pastor is realy hopeful that my family will be relocating there.
I know moving there will not be some sort of cure all. There might be unseen reasons why this church is taking so long to grow. So we are taking it slow and not making any hasty decisions. After having had a couple of weeks to think and pray about this situation, I still feel the desire to leave the church I'm currently attending. While my pastor's recent message on tithing certainly gave me a hint as to how he views my personal financial struggles, I can honestly say that were praying about leaving before he ever preached that message.
Some on this board, as well as other friends of mine, have admonished me to use the
Matthew 18 model of confronting my pastor. I certainly have not rejected their opinion, but I do have some questions about that approach. Jesus said to use that approach if a brother has "sinned". I'm not sure that I am accusing my pastor of having "sinned". I simply feel that he has erred doctrinally, and that it might not be fair to either one of us for me to continue to submit to his leadership since my philosophy on Malachi ch 3 and his are poles apart. In the final anaysis, he is the pastor of that church, and it is he who will have to give an account to God for what he preaches. That is his burden to bear and not mine.
Some have also felt that I should be personally reconciled to my pastor. I also have reservations about this since I do not hold him any personal malice, nor am I accusing him of attacking me personally. He is a true man of God. But with our considerable differences concerning philosophy of ministry, I don't see any future there in that church for me as far as recommendation for ministry is concerned. Some pastors are easily enamored by those church members who are "worker bees" and devote every bit a free time they have to the church. I simply cannot fit that mold right now for economic reasons, and I do think this puts questions in my pastor's mind concerning me and my calling.
Finally, I must admit my own weaknesses. I do feel bruised spiritually from all that we have been through in the past 3 years. Feelings of failure constantly flood over me. Condemnation from easily besetting sins I struggled with in the past are even haunting me. Voices scream in my head that this is some sort of delayed punishment. Certainly I am partly to blame for where I am at in life. I chose a career that turned out to be vulnerable and risky, and I did not sufficiently prepare for the possibility that my career might fail. But even if I did blow it, or did not heed possible warning signs soon enough, can't God still forgive me and help me? Why is that even a question? I know the encouragement I would give to others facing similar circumstances. Why can't I seem to encourage myself? It really stinks.
Thanks to all for your continued prayers on our behalf.
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