To tell or not to tell an adopted child

Mosby48 · #1 10-27-2007, 10:30 PM

If you had an adopted child, would you tell them what you know about their birth parents? If so, at what stage of their lives? (I realize some adopting parents don't know much about the birth parents but let's assume you do.)

#2 10-27-2007, 10:37 PM

IF I had one, I would want to tell them at some point... it would need to be after they are old enough to comprehend what you are telling them, but before they are old enough to say, "Why haven't you told me this before?"

Just for medical reasons alone, I believe an adopted child should have the right to know whether the people believed to be his/her parents are actually his/her parents.

I would also throw in the line that you specifically chose them to be your child, where biological relationships are a game of chance... (or however you wanted to word it).

pelathais · #3 10-27-2007, 10:38 PM

It depends upon the circumstances. Some things can cause bitterness in a child and would probably be best left for later when they are old enough to process things.

I do not think that it is a good idea to hide the truth from the child(ren) especially as they come of age. Adopted children are special in that they are "chosen" by their adoptive parents. The rest of us just kind of showed up in the stork's basket and our parents had to take us whether we were planned or not.

AmazingGrace · #4 10-27-2007, 11:15 PM

As an adopted child I can just tell you that all of them I have ever known (thats a lot too) that it has been kept from for any amount of time were more bitter at their adoptive parents for not telling them sooner. I think young is better personally and everyone I have ever delt with agrees. This may not be the thing for everyone but there is usually no reason not to tell...

Yes sometimes the circumstances can be bad... you dont have to tell them that anyways! All that needs to be said is... they did what they felt was best for you! Its an always heard answer and it is almost always the truth! Mine was the worst of circumstances yet I was told this my entire life... I grew up with absolutely not hate towards my bio mom whatsoever! I hurt yes! Who doesnt but I did not hate her ... I had a lot of questions but no hate.

I was fortunate enough to meet my biological mother and many of my siblings a couple of years ago and I wouldnt trade them OR my real parents for anything!

All that to say.... I was told the first time the day I was brought home from the hospital and until the day I could understand,,,, Then it was explained... I was maybe 6.

NEVER keep what you know about their parents from them... the minute you feel they are old enough to understand tell them! If you know who and where and why tell them! Keeping these things will kill them on the inside. The hardest part was when I found out my cousin was the nurse who delivered me and knew everything and kept it from me all those years... I think I hated her more than the fact that I was adopted!

Sister Alvear · #5 10-28-2007, 12:42 AM

We told our adopted ones from the very beginning and I personally think it is best...I know many factors are involved and many have different opinions. I love my adopted ones just as much as I love Raul Jr and feel no difference in my heart between them and Raul Jr.

B4 Nicaea · #6 10-29-2007, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmazingGrace

As an adopted child I can just tell you that all of them I have ever known (thats a lot too) that it has been kept from for any amount of time were more bitter at their adoptive parents for not telling them sooner. I think young is better personally and everyone I have ever delt with agrees. This may not be the thing for everyone but there is usually no reason not to tell...

Yes sometimes the circumstances can be bad... you dont have to tell them that anyways! All that needs to be said is... they did what they felt was best for you! Its an always heard answer and it is almost always the truth! Mine was the worst of circumstances yet I was told this my entire life... I grew up with absolutely not hate towards my bio mom whatsoever! I hurt yes! Who doesnt but I did not hate her ... I had a lot of questions but no hate.

I was fortunate enough to meet my biological mother and many of my siblings a couple of years ago and I wouldnt trade them OR my real parents for anything!

All that to say.... I was told the first time the day I was brought home from the hospital and until the day I could understand,,,, Then it was explained... I was maybe 6.

NEVER keep what you know about their parents from them... the minute you feel they are old enough to understand tell them! If you know who and where and why tell them! Keeping these things will kill them on the inside. The hardest part was when I found out my cousin was the nurse who delivered me and knew everything and kept it from me all those years... I think I hated her more than the fact that I was adopted!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Alvear

We told our adopted ones from the very beginning and I personally think it is best...I know many factors are involved and many have different opinions. I love my adopted ones just as much as I love Raul Jr and feel no difference in my heart between them and Raul Jr.

As an adopted child (by my dad), I always knew I was adopted and am thankful my parents never hid it from me. I was 25 before I started researching my biological father's side of the family. He had been killed in a tractor trailer accident after my dad had adopted me. Everyone wants to know a little about their family history and the adopted child needs to know as well. It WILL help them understand some of their tendencies and traits.

My dad and mother brought me to see my biological grandmother before she passed.

I knew of a similar situation--biological mother, adopted dad--where the child was approaching his teen years and the parents still hadn't told him. They have never found "a good time" to tell him.

Tell them when they are young. It's much easier. Furthermore, I have heard countless stories where an aunt, uncle, grandmother, older sibling, etc. "spilled the bean" before the parents found that "good time" to tell the child themselves.

#7 10-29-2007, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by B4 Nicaea

As an adopted child (by my dad), I always knew I was adopted and am thankful my parents never hid it from me. I was 25 before I started researching my biological father's side of the family. He had been killed in a tractor trailer accident after my dad had adopted me. Everyone wants to know a little about their family history and the adopted child needs to know as well. It WILL help them understand some of their tendencies and traits.

My dad and mother brought me to see my biological grandmother before she passed.

I knew of a similar situation--biological mother, adopted dad--where the child was approaching his teen years and the parents still hadn't told him. They have never found "a good time" to tell him.

Tell them when they are young. It's much easier. Furthermore, I have heard countless stories where an aunt, uncle, grandmother, older sibling, etc. "spilled the bean" before the parents found that "good time" to tell the child themselves.

Yes.....truth or as much as you can tell is important....my husband adopted our son .....when we were married, our son was 4 and we talked about it before hand....my hubby has been a very good father to him, when our son was a teen I called his bio dad for him and they meant...but didn't really build a relationship. My hubby is his DAD!

B4 Nicaea · #8 10-29-2007, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Truth Seeker

Yes.....truth or as much as you can tell is important....my husband adopted our son .....when we were married, our son was 4 and we talked about it before hand....my hubby has been a very good father to him, when our son was a teen I called his bio dad for him and they meant...but didn't really build a relationship. My hubby is his DAD!

Exactly. All it takes to be a father is to be a male. It takes someone special to be a DAD.

Tell your husband that. He'll appreciate it.

Sister Alvear · #9 10-28-2007, 12:43 AM

Please go to Sister Alvear's picture thread and you can see our children...in the missions section.

Trouvere · #10 10-28-2007, 08:36 AM

Sister Alvear is awesome.Take her advice.Its a good thing.I know of some who were not told but were told later and had to rebuild their who
foundation of who they were.Its not good to not be honest.My aunt and
uncle always told my cousin as soon as he could understand that they did
not just have him but choose him to be their son.He was no accident but
on purpose they decided to share their lives with a child.There is a loving and
awesome way to let a child know they are just what you always wanted.