Kinds of Critics

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THE "HONEST" CRITIC

This is the person who considers it her divine right — and duty — to speak the truth at all costs. ("That new dress makes you look a little hippy."...

And you're not supposed to be offended because, hey, she's just being honest — and isn't honesty a virtue? Not necessarily. "A friend's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and one of my other friends said to me and some mutual friends that the woman got it because she wasn't a healthy eater," recalls Rhett Pruitt, 35, of Mountain Rest, SC. "I was so angry"....

This type of person is self-centered, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. "She says the first thing that pops into her mind — just like a 2-year-old — with no regard for hurt feelings or consequences." Or she's provocative just for effect, hoping to cause a stir by dropping verbal bombs no one else would dream of saying.

But here's the rub: Telling this walking sledgehammer that her harsh words hurt your or anyone else's feelings may play right into her need to be the brave truth teller, thus stoking an already inflamed ego.

"This person craves attention and drama. She can't get it if you don't take the bait."

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THE CHANGE-AVERSE CRITIC

It doesn't matter if you're launching an eBay business or considering becoming a redhead — this critic is standing by with a bullhorn to let you know that your idea is probably a crazy/dangerous/financially fraught/selfish one...

With this type of critic, there are usually two underlying issues at play — fear and a need for control. "They're afraid of the unknown and of not being in charge of their surroundings, so they end up projecting those fears onto everybody else," explains Tessina. Your idea might also make this critic realize her life isn't all she wants it to be, so she tries to hold you back along with her.

Come to think of it, Leahy adds, "this critic is basically telling you that she doesn't have the guts to do it herself." How's that for an ego boost?

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THE NAY-SAYING CRITIC

Six years ago, having had enough of dead-end jobs, Laura Elizabeth decided to follow her dream of being a writer. She began applying to writing programs at several top universities — even though she didn't think she had the credentials to get in. "I wanted to apply to an Ivy League school," says the 31-year-old from Houston. "One of my colleagues, who knew how much I wanted this, said, 'I wouldn't waste the paper.' Where was her diplomacy? What a way to kill my spirit."

Though it may feel as if this critic simply enjoys undermining your intentions, she may also be incapable of relating beyond the prism of her own experience. She can't imagine herself getting into a top school, so she expects the school would reject you too. In this regard, she's not necessarily trying to be malicious — it just comes out like that.

There are ways to tell when a nay-saying critic is trying to be snide, however. A condescending tone of voice is an obvious tip-off, and this critic will often make a point of contrasting your choices to her far superior ones. (Example: "You're vacationing in Belize? John and I thought about going, but we decided that it's more important to save for Junior's college fund.")

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THE COMPETITIVE CRITIC

"I once had a boss who I would characterize as borderline abusive," says Theresa, a 51-year-old newspaper exec in Wichita, KS. "She called me into her office and told me other department heads were complaining that I was difficult to work with. I was absolutely stunned because I didn't think that I had any problems with any of my colleagues.

"Turns out she had been telling other department heads the exact same thing — that she had received complaints about them too," Theresa recalls. "When several of us later compared notes, we realized that there was no basis at all to what she had told us. I'm not sure what could have motivated her to want to create such needless discord among her subordinates."

Most likely, the boss was paranoid that her staff might outshine her. "Any victory or happiness on your part makes this critic feel somehow less successful and less happy — as if there were only a finite amount of these successes to go around," explains Tessina

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THE KNOW-IT-ALL CRITIC

Some people can't help but contradict everything that comes out of your mouth — no matter how inane or innocuous. "I'm a pretty good cook, but my ex-boyfriend fancied himself to be this great epicure and chef, even though we both had about the same level of experience," recalls Amy Harrison, a 33-year-old photo editor in New York City. "So he was always belittling my skills in the kitchen. I'd tell him I wanted to use butter and he'd make a face and insist we use olive oil. Or if I wanted to use olive oil, he had to have butter. It was like living in Opposite World."

Whether in the kitchen, at the office, or at your children's school, the know-it-all considers communication an excuse to bash you over the head with his superior knowledge and opinions — regardless of whether he's right.

Granted, some know-it-alls are simply analytical by nature and enjoy taking on the contrarian role. "In his mind, he's sorting through and presenting all the options," says Dellasega. In a weird way, he may even be trying to help you think outside the box.

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The above were all quotes from this three page article
http://lifestyle.msn.com/mindbodyand...7810919&page=1