50 Questions...

From Rhymes With Kerouac

50 Questions

The following is only 50 of the questions I've been accumulating in my head about Christian culture. Other people have dust bunnies behind the couch - I have Killer Zombie Dust Bunnies from the Black Lagoon in my head. Go figure.

Please - don't think of these as criticisms. Think of them as conversation starters.

1. Why don't we give church members keys to the kitchen?

2. Can we throw more parties?

3. Is this Fair Trade Coffee?

4. Do you know how many people say, "how are you?" and don't listen to the answer?

5. Are you one of them?

6. I'm coming back to the heart of worship. I'm sorry Lord, for the thing that I've made it. Did I miss something or is that song still all about me?

7. How many people in the congregation on a Sunday morning have the gift of preaching?

8. How many of those people - gifted for the edification of the church - get to preach?

9. If God has given each believer a spirtual gift, and all those many and varied gifts are intended for the edification of the church, why does our church practice bear no relevance to this fact whatsoever?

10. What would happen if there was no big building for us all to go to on Sunday morning?

11. Can a coffee shop breakfast with the guys still be church?

12. It's Sunday morning and the worship band is struggling. Am I going to be okay with that?

13. Why does every event have a guest speaker?

14. If I only had 12 people in my congregation, and one of them ends up turning on me, one of them flat out denies he even knows me, and the rest bail out just when I need them most... would my ministry be a success or a failure?

15. Are you as tired as I am of being called a 'sheep'? Actually, I don't mind that so much, it's the 'stupid, dumb sheep' part that kind of bugs me.

16. How is it that nobody likes a gossip, but they hardly ever gett called on it? Tell a dirty joke at the church social and get told right then and there. Gossip all day long and... nothing. And no, I don't want to tell them, either.

17. Why is bigger better?

18. Green Prosperity Hankerchief. Need I say more?

19. Millions of immigrants coming to our country every year, and every single one of them needs Jesus. Has a more glorious opportunity ever been so inelegantly squandered by the church?

20. If our entire bible consisted only of the four gospels, how would our religion look today?

21. Why don't we stop explaining our faith to atheists? Yes - my faith is completely, totally and absolutely irrational. That would be the 'faith' part. Duh.

22. Of all the sermons about forgiveness you've heard, how many times have you seen a preacher stop and say, "Okay, this is how you forgive someone...?"

23. Why Thomas Kinkade?

24. Is playing cards still a sin?

25. Have you ever heard someone pray and they say something like, "...and Satan we bind you from blah, blah, blah..."? Everytime I hear someone do that I want to stop them and ask when they started praying to Satan.

26. Sometimes I also have to ask... Are you praying to the congregation?

27. And then sometimes I also want to ask... Is this a prayer or a sermon?

28. "We thank you father, that you, father, have blessed us father, that you loved us father, and that, father, you are here with us now father." Why do people pray like that?

29. I have yet to be at a congregational meeting, church business meeting, elders, deacons or committee meeting of any kind that does not open with a devotional message from the bible. Does anyone else find this odd?

30. And is anyone else no longer surprised at the number of times that devotional message is about unity?

31. If a church event is meant to be an 'outreach' to our friends and family, shouldn't we be going to where they are? If not, perhaps we should change the name to 'inreach'.

32. We went from old hymn books to new hymn books to song books to overheads to Power Point. What's next?

33. Wooden pews. What were they thinking?

34. Remember bus ministry?

35. Everybody at church knows what the rules are, everybody knows how to behave, what's expected of them. No-one ever sat you down and said, 'these are the rules...' but you know them anyway. How did you learn the rules? Of course, you can't really understand this question until you get a bunch of folks together in a street church, where no-one knows how to behave in church...

36. Here's a little game to play. Sit in church. Pick a man or woman - someone you sort of know, but don't know real well. A Christian person. A nice Christian person. Ask yourself, "If they fell off the wagon and ended up downtown, living on the street, sleeping in their own urine and vomit... would I go get them?

37. Would any of us go get them?

38. Or would that be the pastor's job?

39. Why are we afraid of art?

40. There's crackers in the communion plate. Is it just me or...?

41. Why do missionaries always live somewhere else?

42. There's a guy outside of town with the words, "Jesus is alive" painted on his roof. His neighbour has painted the words, "So is Elvis" on his roof. Which guy would you rather have a beer with?

43. Rich Christians are blessed by God. Absolutely destitute Christians must live on faith for their every need. Which is better?

44. Which is better when you haven't eaten in three days?

45. Why do all our pictures of Jesus look like us?

46. You have a Christian Fish on your car. What are you attempting to communicate, and to whom is that communication directed? Why? Okay, that's three questions. So sue me.

47. Why is it that none of us can walk to church?

48. Why is there a copyright on bibles?

49. When will we stop praying for revival and start living like the revived?

50. Where do we go from here?



Thanks for reading everyone. Now, let's close in prayer...

If I could add number 51, my favorite question is:

51. When is the last time someone said "Christ sure looks good on you?"

[nathan_slatter]

1. Why don't we give church members keys to the kitchen?

Then the normal members of the church (read saints and laity) would be able to hand out food to those they deem needy without giving a stipulation of a home bible study or church visit. How else are we supposed to get a ROI with the money spent on that food?

2. Can we throw more parties?

Parties are for the world. We offer fellowship meetings. Good wholesome gathering of people who attend the church.

3. Is this Fair Trade Coffee?

Huh? Fair Trade? I bought this at WalMart there was no trading.

4. Do you know how many people say, "how are you?" and don't listen to the answer?

I don't understand the question.

5. Are you one of them?

Huh?

6. I'm coming back to the heart of worship. I'm sorry Lord, for the thing that I've made it. Did I miss something or is that song still all about me?

It is all about me. My salvation. My blessing. My theology. My prosperity. Sure, Jesus crops up occasionally but in the end it is about me.

7. How many people in the congregation on a Sunday morning have the gift of preaching?

What a silly and asinine question. Everyone knows that only the ministry have any gifts that are worth holding. YOu know preaching, leading, teaching -- I mean, have you heard some of the idio... I mean, wonderful people in this church? Shew, they need to be kept cleaning the bathroom.

8. How many of those people - gifted for the edification of the church - get to preach?

Hello!!!! Only a few. Definitely the pastor. On occasion the new assistant (he does some wonderful scripture reading at the beginning of service though).

9. If God has given each believer a spirtual gift, and all those many and varied gifts are intended for the edification of the church, why does our church practice bear no relevance to this fact whatsoever?

Each believer has been given the gift of heaven -- if they can make it. Anything else is just for the ministry.

10. What would happen if there was no big building for us all to go to on Sunday morning?

what do you mean "No big building"? Surely, you know that the New Testament churches were rather large as well, right?

11. Can a coffee shop breakfast with the guys still be church?

**gasp** blasphemy! We can only find church where God is present -- and EVERYONE knows that God is only present in a church building.

12. It's Sunday morning and the worship band is struggling. Am I going to be okay with that?

Absolutely not. They should be professional enough to sound right. After all one of the enticing things about our church for other people (who go to church -- just not ours) is our excellent music. Plus, I just can't enter into the gates of worship with out some music to lead and guide me.

13. Why does every event have a guest speaker?

Why do we have to have events? There is no one above our pastor, bless his holy name.

14. If I only had 12 people in my congregation, and one of them ends up turning on me, one of them flat out denies he even knows me, and the rest bail out just when I need them most... would my ministry be a success or a failure?

Only Twelve?!?! Well, you must not be using the "Let My People Grow" book. It works wonders and will revive your church with only a few paradigm changes and how you organize. After all, growth is all about organization, good music, and a dynamic personality.

15. Are you as tired as I am of being called a 'sheep'? Actually, I don't mind that so much, it's the 'stupid, dumb sheep' part that kind of bugs me.

Sheep are nice. They provide without question, especially after they get used to the fleecing.

16. How is it that nobody likes a gossip, but they hardly ever get called on it? Tell a dirty joke at the church social and get told right then and there. Gossip all day long and... nothing. And no, I don't want to tell them, either.

Because, gossip is the truth and the truth shall set you free. Especially the brutal truth.

17. Why is bigger better?

Bigger means more people. More people means more jewels in my crown (plus better tithes).

18. Green Prosperity Hankerchief. Need I say more?

Who needs the Green Prosperity hankerchief -- my wife has not cut her hair, ever. So that should be a good enough covering.

19. Millions of immigrants coming to our country every year, and every single one of them needs Jesus. Has a more glorious opportunity ever been so inelegantly squandered by the church?

Those people have missionaries to reach them, they are only coming here to destroy my chances of making more money.

20. If our entire bible consisted only of the four gospels, how would our religion look today?

Again, blasphemy. We need to be able to understand those gospels, why else did Paul provide 95% of the New Testament? Bless his holy name.

21. Why don't we stop explaining our faith to atheists? Yes - my faith is completely, totally and absolutely irrational. That would be the 'faith' part. Duh.

Ahh -- they're hopeless and going to hell anyway. Plus why should I taint my glorious righteousness by hanging about with mere sinners -- heinous sinners at that. Don't want God to forget that I have come from among them and are separate.

22. Of all the sermons about forgiveness you've heard, how many times have you seen a preacher stop and say, "Okay, this is how you forgive someone...?"

Forgiveness is so cliche. WHat is forgiveness anyway?

23. Why Thomas Kinkade?

How dare you question the wonderfully perfect art of dear Thomas Kinkade. I hear he's UPC now.

24. Is playing cards still a sin?

Of course they are. We have to shirk all things that look like sin and card are a hop skip and a jump from cigars and beer.

[nathan_slatter]

25. Have you ever heard someone pray and they say something like, "...and Satan we bind you from blah, blah, blah..."? Everytime I hear someone do that I want to stop them and ask when they started praying to Satan.

Well, satan is the prince of the air and he can't read our minds so we have to speak to him so that he can understand exactly what we are thinking.

26. Sometimes I also have to ask... Are you praying to the congregation?

Well, some of them need to understand the eloquence with which we need to speak to God.

27. And then sometimes I also want to ask... Is this a prayer or a sermon?

Is there a difference? I can preach about someone's sin and couch it in prayer. Hitting two birds with one stone on that one. Showing that I care enough to pray, pointing out the problem of another, AND communicating with God all at the same time. Work smarter not harder my friend.

28. "We thank you father, that you, father, have blessed us father, that you loved us father, and that, father, you are here with us now father." Why do people pray like that?

Well, we have to retain God's attention -- after all there are a billion people out there to contend with. Wait. You know, that isn't true. God doesn't hear the prayer of a sinner -- so that knocks it down to a few million. Still, though, we have to maintain his attention.

29. I have yet to be at a congregational meeting, church business meeting, elders, deacons or committee meeting of any kind that does not open with a devotional message from the bible. Does anyone else find this odd?

Well, we must start with spirituality so that we can all put our flesh under the blood so that we can be nice enough to one another and make sure that the Holy Ghost can be heard over the fights.

30. And is anyone else no longer surprised at the number of times that devotional message is about unity?

see #29

31. If a church event is meant to be an 'outreach' to our friends and family, shouldn't we be going to where they are? If not, perhaps we should change the name to 'inreach'.

We can't be expected to interact with "them". We have to maintain a certain appearance of spirituality, which means that, at the most, I'm giving them tracts. It allows me to maintain an appearance of spirituality yet also maintain a distance from "them". Don't want people to mistake me for a sinner.

32. We went from old hymn books to new hymn books to song books to overheads to Power Point. What's next?

Who cares, it isn't the technology that is the point. It's that we all come together and show our holiness so that people will be enticed to visit.

33. Wooden pews. What were they thinking?

If your rear is hurting, you'll pay attention more and does the word "hell" mean anything to you. Better a hurting rear than a burning one.

34. Remember bus ministry?

No.

35. Everybody at church knows what the rules are, everybody knows how to behave, what's expected of them. No-one ever sat you down and said, 'these are the rules...' but you know them anyway. How did you learn the rules? Of course, you can't really understand this question until you get a bunch of folks together in a street church, where no-one knows how to behave in church...

With out rules people will be able to ask questions. And we don't want people to ask questions. We like our answers just fine without inviting any pesky questions. Plus, there is supposed to be rules on dress and other things or else people would just come as they are and who needs that.

36. Here's a little game to play. Sit in church. Pick a man or woman - someone you sort of know, but don't know real well. A Christian person. A nice Christian person. Ask yourself, "If they fell off the wagon and ended up downtown, living on the street, sleeping in their own urine and vomit... would I go get them?

Poor soul. I'll say a prayer for him that God will put rocks in his bed. Other than that I'm called to carry the pastor's bible, bless his holy name.

37. Would any of us go get them?

Depends on their calling -- hopefully SOMEONE is called to it.

38. Or would that be the pastor's job?

Absolutely not. If anyone need to retain a taint-free life -- it's him. After all he's the only one here that actually hears from God.

39. Why are we afraid of art?

Art. Thomas Kinkaid does art. Anything else is just carnality.

40. There's crackers in the communion plate. Is it just me or...?

Those are crackers? I thought they tasted familiar.

41. Why do missionaries always live somewhere else?

Because the US doesn't need saving, we are the epitome of a blessed nation and have been since the beginning.

42. There's a guy outside of town with the words, "Jesus is alive" painted on his roof. His neighbour has painted the words, "So is Elvis" on his roof. Which guy would you rather have a beer with?

Elvis and Beer. Figures -- that guy, bless his heart, needs someone to go to him and explain exactly who Jesus is. Who's called to do that anyway? Anyone?

43. Rich Christians are blessed by God. Absolutely destitute Christians must live on faith for their every need. Which is better?

There are no destitute Christians, only people who proclaim CHristianity but whose faith is apparent in their destitution.

44. Which is better when you haven't eaten in three days?

Well, if they were really CHristians they would have eaten. Everyone knows that GOd takes care of his own -- so they must not be.

45. Why do all our pictures of Jesus look like us?

Jesus was white! He needed a haircut of course but he was still white to acknowledge anything else would require that we see non-white people as viable spiritual giants.

46. You have a Christian Fish on your car. What are you attempting to communicate, and to whom is that communication directed? Why? Okay, that's three questions. So sue me.

That I am a Christian -- and thank God I'm not like these sinners.

47. Why is it that none of us can walk to church?

Because I have to drive so that I'm nice and neat when I arrive -- you know God looks on the outside don't you?

48. Why is there a copyright on bibles?

Well, if someone started copying it, they would screw it up. Only the KJV is the true and original copy.

49. When will we stop praying for revival and start living like the revived?

Because revival is yet to come. We aren't good enough -- just look at the world today. He can't hold back the sin for much longer. The sinners are taking over and he's gonig to have to swoop in and save us from annihilation.

50. Where do we go from here?

Heaven

BUMP

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by Ronzo

From Rhymes With Kerouac

50 Questions

The following is only 50 of the questions I've been accumulating in my head about Christian culture. Other people have dust bunnies behind the couch - I have Killer Zombie Dust Bunnies from the Black Lagoon in my head. Go figure.

Please - don't think of these as criticisms. Think of them as conversation starters.

1. Why don't we give church members keys to the kitchen?

2. Can we throw more parties?

3. Is this Fair Trade Coffee?

4. Do you know how many people say, "how are you?" and don't listen to the answer?

5. Are you one of them?

6. I'm coming back to the heart of worship. I'm sorry Lord, for the thing that I've made it. Did I miss something or is that song still all about me?

7. How many people in the congregation on a Sunday morning have the gift of preaching?

8. How many of those people - gifted for the edification of the church - get to preach?

9. If God has given each believer a spirtual gift, and all those many and varied gifts are intended for the edification of the church, why does our church practice bear no relevance to this fact whatsoever?

.

10. What would happen if there was no big building for us all to go to on Sunday morning?

11. Can a coffee shop breakfast with the guys still be church?

12. It's Sunday morning and the worship band is struggling. Am I going to be okay with that?

13. Why does every event have a guest speaker?

14. If I only had 12 people in my congregation, and one of them ends up turning on me, one of them flat out denies he even knows me, and the rest bail out just when I need them most... would my ministry be a success or a failure?

15. Are you as tired as I am of being called a 'sheep'? Actually, I don't mind that so much, it's the 'stupid, dumb sheep' part that kind of bugs me.

16. How is it that nobody likes a gossip, but they hardly ever gett called on it? Tell a dirty joke at the church social and get told right then and there. Gossip all day long and... nothing. And no, I don't want to tell them, either.

17. Why is bigger better?

18. Green Prosperity Hankerchief. Need I say more?

19. Millions of immigrants coming to our country every year, and every single one of them needs Jesus. Has a more glorious opportunity ever been so inelegantly squandered by the church?

20. If our entire bible consisted only of the four gospels, how would our religion look today?

21. Why don't we stop explaining our faith to atheists? Yes - my faith is completely, totally and absolutely irrational. That would be the 'faith' part. Duh.

22. Of all the sermons about forgiveness you've heard, how many times have you seen a preacher stop and say, "Okay, this is how you forgive someone...?"

23. Why Thomas Kinkade?

24. Is playing cards still a sin?

25. Have you ever heard someone pray and they say something like, "...and Satan we bind you from blah, blah, blah..."? Everytime I hear someone do that I want to stop them and ask when they started praying to Satan.

26. Sometimes I also have to ask... Are you praying to the congregation?

27. And then sometimes I also want to ask... Is this a prayer or a sermon?

28. "We thank you father, that you, father, have blessed us father, that you loved us father, and that, father, you are here with us now father." Why do people pray like that?

29. I have yet to be at a congregational meeting, church business meeting, elders, deacons or committee meeting of any kind that does not open with a devotional message from the bible. Does anyone else find this odd?

30. And is anyone else no longer surprised at the number of times that devotional message is about unity?

31. If a church event is meant to be an 'outreach' to our friends and family, shouldn't we be going to where they are? If not, perhaps we should change the name to 'inreach'.

32. We went from old hymn books to new hymn books to song books to overheads to Power Point. What's next?

33. Wooden pews. What were they thinking?

34. Remember bus ministry?

35. Everybody at church knows what the rules are, everybody knows how to behave, what's expected of them. No-one ever sat you down and said, 'these are the rules...' but you know them anyway. How did you learn the rules? Of course, you can't really understand this question until you get a bunch of folks together in a street church, where no-one knows how to behave in church...

36. Here's a little game to play. Sit in church. Pick a man or woman - someone you sort of know, but don't know real well. A Christian person. A nice Christian person. Ask yourself, "If they fell off the wagon and ended up downtown, living on the street, sleeping in their own urine and vomit... would I go get them?

37. Would any of us go get them?

38. Or would that be the pastor's job?

39. Why are we afraid of art?

40. There's crackers in the communion plate. Is it just me or...?

41. Why do missionaries always live somewhere else?

42. There's a guy outside of town with the words, "Jesus is alive" painted on his roof. His neighbour has painted the words, "So is Elvis" on his roof. Which guy would you rather have a beer with?

43. Rich Christians are blessed by God. Absolutely destitute Christians must live on faith for their every need. Which is better?

44. Which is better when you haven't eaten in three days?

45. Why do all our pictures of Jesus look like us?

46. You have a Christian Fish on your car. What are you attempting to communicate, and to whom is that communication directed? Why? Okay, that's three questions. So sue me.

47. Why is it that none of us can walk to church?

48. Why is there a copyright on bibles?

49. When will we stop praying for revival and start living like the revived?

50. Where do we go from here?



Thanks for reading everyone. Now, let's close in prayer...

RHONI

I worry about folk who have all the answers.

[Amos]

20. If our entire bible consisted only of the four gospels, how would our religion look today?

Again, blasphemy. We need to be able to understand those gospels, why else did Paul provide 95% of the New Testament? Bless his holy name

Have you got a problem with the Pauline Epistles being in the canon?