Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?

[Orthodoxy]

Just found this post today on Justin Taylor's blog. I think this is a question all parents need to ask themselves.

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From Tim Kimmel’s chapter “The Freedom to Make Mistakes” in his book Grace-Based Parenting:

Legalistic parents maintain a relationship with God through obedience to a standard. The goal of this when it comes to their children is to keep sin from getting into their home. They do their best to create an environment that controls as many of the avenues as possible that sin could use to work its way into the inner sanctum. . . . It’s as though the power to sin or not to sin was somehow connected to their personal will power and resolve. . . . These families are preoccupied with keeping sin out by putting a fence between them and the world.

The difference with grace-based families is that they don’t bother spending much time putting fences up because they know full well that sin is already present and accounted for inside their family. To these types of parents, sin is not an action or an object that penetrates their defenses; it is a preexisting condition that permeates their being. The graceless home requires kids to be good and gets angry and punishes them when they are bad. The grace-based home assumes kids will struggle with sin and helps them learn how to tap into God’s power to help them get stronger.

It’s not that grace-based homes don’t take their children’s sin seriously. Nor is it that grace-based homes circumvent consequences. It isn’t even that grace-based homes do nothing to protect their children from attacks and temptations that threaten them from the outside. They do all these things, but not for the same reasons. Grace-based homes aren’t trusting in the moral safety of their home or the spiritual environment they’ve created to empower their children to resist sin. . . . They assume that sin is an ongoing dilemma that their children must constantly contend with.

[Children in a grace-based family] are accepted as sinners who desire to become more like Christ rather than be seen as nice Christian kids trying to maintain a good moral code. Grace is committed to bringing children up from their sin; legalism puts them on a high standard and works overtime to keep them from falling down.

Grace understands that the only real solution for our children’s sin is the work of Christ on their behalf. . . . Legalism uses outside forces to help children maintain their moral walk. Their strength is based on the environment they live in. Grace, on the other hand, sees the strength of children by what is inside them—more specifically, Who is inside them.

HT: Sally Michael

See also:

Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus

William P. Farley, Gospel-Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parenting

[Amanah]

There has to be a balance and the child's temperament has to come into play also. I know people who are too strict and people who are too lenient both have problems with their kids.

[Orthodoxy]

Originally Posted by Amanah

There has to be a balance and the child's temperament has to come into play also. I know people who are too strict and people who are too lenient both have problems with their kids.

Yes, but I don't think the author is advocating complete leniency here. We have to erect some fences, obviously.

It's more a matter of focusing on the child's heart as opposed to just creating rules.

[RandyWayne]

I actually believe that within the home environment a little legalism isn't a bad thing.

And while there are many similarities, there are also some big differences between the God/Man relationship versus the parent/child.

[commonsense]

My daughter is very involved in a web forum>> Gentle Christian Mothers

[Dagwood]

Very interesting article.

I've seen both sides. Fear-based involves less-patient, over-powerful, demanding, and commanding parents, while Grace-based involves almost the exact opposite.

Considering I was raised with fear-based parents (no disrespect intended), it's been a challenging cycle to break. But, it's one that must be broken nevertheless. I think how a parent reacts to a childs action(s) play a big part in whether the child senses the onslought of fear or extending of grace...

[Ferd]

i have not read the book. there may be more to it.


what I read leads me to believe the writer is an idiot.


my view of parenting is simple. First, whatever the boundries are, kids will break them. so the trick is to create boundries that are not so loose that crossing broundries will hurt the kid, and not so tight that the kid is stiffeled.

Standards are requied if you are going raise kids who will be adults that can compete in society.

Grace is required if you want a relationship with your kids once they are no longer living under your roof.

[Ferd]

Rules in the Ferd house

1. Make mamma happy.
2. If you are going to be stupid you better be tuff.
3. Keep the war civil.

[Dagwood]

Originally Posted by Dagwood

Very interesting article.

I've seen both sides. Fear-based involves less-patient, over-powerful, demanding, and commanding parents, while Grace-based involves almost the exact opposite.

Considering I was raised with fear-based parents (no disrespect intended), it's been a challenging cycle to break. But, it's one that must be broken nevertheless. I think how a parent reacts to a childs action(s) play a big part in whether the child senses the onslought of fear or extending of grace...

I better clarify before someone jumps down my back.

The exact opposite would still allow for the parents to have the ultimate control of the child, thus the over-powerful or less-powerful wouldn't necessarily be a factor in how the child responds...

[Cindy]

Either way parents can't stop kids from sinning. And can't keep sin out of their hearts. But, we are to teach precepts to our children, and teach them how to actually live in our everyday lives as Christians.