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  #71  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:49 PM
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Re: More Jokes

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Originally Posted by notofworks View Post
You aren't addressing the point I'm making. You just keep saying "people are gonna laugh." I get that. Don't you think we, as Followers of Christ, should be better than that? If you were in crisis, would you rather have a Christ-Follower laugh at you or pray for you?
Listen, I don't want anyone to laugh AT me for any reason. However, if I commit the indiscretions some of these have, I deserve that and more. Certainly I would want prayers. However, I would also understand what my failings caused in others. I understand human nature and can deal with reality.

But, what if it really IS funny?
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  #72  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:50 PM
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Re: More Jokes

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A Wife's Love



A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.


Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.


"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

What??? I can't believe you would joke about........

........oh wait. Actually that's really funny.
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  #73  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:51 PM
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Re: More Jokes

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Originally Posted by notofworks View Post
What??? I can't believe you would joke about........

........oh wait. Actually that's really funny.
lol, I'm just trying to figure out if that is a story Sam speaks from experience JKJKJK
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  #74  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:51 PM
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Re: More Jokes

Sam, you're one in a million!!!! Where do you find these!!
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  #75  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:51 PM
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Re: More Jokes

Eph 1:7-8 Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people — free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! 8 He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need. (The Message)

Divine Mulligans

I'm so thankful that God says, "You'll never measure up, so accept the gift of grace from One who did. It's the one key that will unlock heaven's door." Listen to these liberating words of grace: "Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people-free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free!" (Ephesians 1:7-8 MSG).

Have you ever wondered what would happen if certain Bible characters sent letters of application for ministry positions in a church? Would the Thursday night search committee meeting sound something like this?

"Let's talk about this Adam."

"Well, he seems like a good man, but he takes bad directions from his wife. And you don't even want to know what he wears in the woods."

"How about Noah?"

"He's prone to taking on huge building projects without a permit. He's a pessimist too."

"What about Joseph?"

"Brags too much. Has a prison record. He's even been accused of adultery."

"And Moses?"

"Are you kidding? He's a lousy communicator. He stutters and stammers. He has a bad temper and has been known to hit things with a stick."

"So he's a golfer then?"

"That's another of his shortcomings."

"What do you know about Job?"

"Well, he's loaded, so he won't need a salary. But he's pretty gloomy. He complains too much."

"David looks like he has promise."

"Yes, but his kids are out of control, and his wives are a handful. To make matters worse, he's a strong proponent of instrumental music in worship."

"Tell me about Solomon."

"Well, he has a good head on his shoulders, but he's got problems when it comes to building projects. It took him seven years to complete the temple and thirteen years to build his palace. I guess he was trying to please all those wives."

"What about Elijah?"

"No way. Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time by himself in the wilderness."

"And Samson?"

"Hair's too long."

"Jonah?"

"Good runner, but he makes up big fish tales. Has been disobedient to God."

"Matthew?"

"Not a chance. Works for the IRS."

"What about this John the Baptist?"

"He sure doesn't dress like a Baptist. Strange diet. Makes the Pharisees mad."

"And Peter?"

"Bad temper. Curses sometimes. Claims to have visions."

"Paul?"

"Powerful preacher and a good leader. But he's short on tact and has been known to preach all night. Puts people to sleep. Controversial on women's issues. He's single too."

"What about these others on the list?"

"Lazarus is dead."

"Zacchaeus is too short."

"Timothy is way too young."

"Methusaleh is too old."

"Sarah laughed too much."

"What about Judas?"

"Well, let's talk about him. He comes with good character references. Good connections. He's conservative, so he won't rock the boat. Handles money well. Maybe he's the one."

Aren't you glad God in His mercy chose to use the likes of these? They literally shaped the course of human history. And He will do it again through you.

All of us have sinned. But we don't have to live with the guilt. When we truly repent, God forgives and restores us to favor.

Phil Callaway, Golfing with the Master. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2006, p. 170-173.
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  #76  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:55 PM
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Re: More Jokes

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Originally Posted by ManOfWord View Post
Listen, I don't want anyone to laugh AT me for any reason. However, if I commit the indiscretions some of these have, I deserve that and more. Certainly I would want prayers. However, I would also understand what my failings caused in others. I understand human nature and can deal with reality.

But, what if it really IS funny?
But you're still not answering my question. Don't you think Christ-Followers should be better than that? Can you imagine the disciples standing around the woman caught in adultery and telling jokes about her? Do you see any similarity between that woman, and Tiger/Ted/Whoever? Do you think it would have been appropriate for Jesus and the disciples to tell jokes about her?
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  #77  
Old 12-02-2009, 10:03 PM
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Re: More Jokes

Men Jokes




One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “OHIO STATE.”

---------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, “I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world...”
The woman replies, “I'll miss you........ “

------------------------------

“It's just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'”
Probably that I married you for your money,'”she replied.

------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-----------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

-------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..

------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

---------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

--------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN






.
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  #78  
Old 12-02-2009, 10:40 PM
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Re: More Jokes

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Originally Posted by notofworks View Post
Leave it to Christians to start making fun of someone when they're in crisis. I would say I'm shocked, but it seems to be the norm here on Apostolic Hypocrites Forum.

I suppose you all can laugh at it if that's what makes you feel better. I have a bit of a distant connection to Tiger (I know, some will say I'm name-dropping, whatever, I don't care) and know firsthand what joy he brought, personally, to our family's life. This morning when his statement was read on Sportscenter by Hannah Storm, my wife started weeping. I've been gone for a while today and when I returned, her eyes are swollen and red. She's been praying a large part of the day for Tiger and his family.

I know this can sound like, "Oh we're better, we prayed" and I don't mean for that to be the spirit of this. But isn't that the natural response of a group of people that claim they have the gospel that can redeem mankind? Isn't this the place of crisis in which many turn to God? Wouldn't it be the Godly and Christ-like thing to do to sorrow for Tiger and his family instead of posting some idiotic phony Christmas card picture showing him beat up?

It's exasperating to imagine a Christian Culture that thinks it's funny to laugh AT Tiger rather than intercede for his soul. Shame on you who think any of this is funny.
I sent the Tiger Woods jokes and the Christmas card out to several people. I got three responses: one from a Oneness Pentecostal pastor who used to be ALJC; one from a Oneness Pentecostal minister who used to be UPC; and one from a person who goes to a church called Passion and Fire. There were no rebukes and all three thought they were funny.
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  #79  
Old 12-02-2009, 11:01 PM
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Re: More Jokes

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Originally Posted by Sam View Post
I sent the Tiger Woods jokes and the Christmas card out to several people. I got three responses: one from a Oneness Pentecostal pastor who used to be ALJC; one from a Oneness Pentecostal minister who used to be UPC; and one from a person who goes to a church called Passion and Fire. There were no rebukes and all three thought they were funny.
I have no problem being in the minority. I'm used to it here on Apostolic FRIENDS Forum! If the majority, or even all, think it's funny, I want no part of the majority.

Today I've been stunned at the reaction of the "Christian Community" as many laugh, tell jokes, and make fun of Tiger and his family, even to the extent of the unbelievable picture you referenced. This forum isn't the only place it's happening. We've sorrowed at the hurt that must be present in their lives (The Woods'), but sorrow even more for a culture of people who claim Christ, but who are are largely unable to have compassion for the hurting. But the whole situation has allowed us to take an introspective look at how we, as representatives of Christ, are to treat the woman that was caught in adultery. As one that is not at all without sin, I cannot possibly cast the first stone, whether that stone be laughter or judgment. Our family feels embraced by grace to the extent that we can only look on those who are wandering as sheep who have no shepherd, and can only be moved by compassion.

ManofWord has said, basically, "Well, he asked for it", and you know what? he's right. Tiger asked for it. But ALL OF US have asked for it, yet have been embraced by God's grace. Jesus would never laugh at me in my sin, and I cannot do Him the disfavor of laughing at others in theirs. I cannot be like the servant who was forgiven so much, yet refused to give grace to those that wronged him.

I can only be saddened for the three you mentioned that thought it was funny.
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  #80  
Old 12-02-2009, 11:30 PM
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Re: More Jokes

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Originally Posted by notofworks View Post
...But ALL OF US have asked for it, yet have been embraced by God's grace. ...
Aren't you glad that God does not treat us like we deserve?
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