Joke Thread

[jwharv]

THE DATE

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

[Timmy]

My wife and I have been together for 27 wonderful years!

And 27 out of 30 ain't bad!

[jwharv]

An oldie........................



An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop! Acts; 2:38!!!!!!!!!


The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,

Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

SCRIPTURE? replied the burglar,

She said she had an AX and two 38's!

[jwharv]

The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for awhile but about 5 a.m. he went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, A-a-a-men!

[jwharv]

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid?

You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

[Timmy]

Originally Posted by jwharv

An oldie........................



An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop! Acts; 2:38!!!!!!!!!


The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,

Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

SCRIPTURE? replied the burglar,

She said she had an AX and two 38's!

[jwharv]

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

[jwharv]

[jwharv]

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

[jwharv]

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.

Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."