I'm sorry for your situation. It wasn't real easy going to church without parents, and then living in a single parent home. Most went to church with their parents. I can think of one whose parents were not in church,but his aunt and cousins were. Another, he went alone, but he was with the in crowd.
Me, well, I didn't fit in with the youth. Two guys went out of their way to make me feel welcome, but they backslid soon after.
Thanks, Berk.
I know it's rough on kids who's parents don't attend church either.
I help out with the youth, and there are some girls who call me 'mom' and the pastor's son just the other night said I'm one of his mom's....LOL!
I'm honored, because I never saw myself in that capacity with other kids, but I don't want those kids to end up like I did, and I'm doing my best to make sure it doesn't happen.
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I've gone and done it now! I'm on Facebook!!!
Parents need to go beyond normal efforts to assure their children that although the family has fragmented, their protection is solid. The key is to maintain a normal pace, boundaries and routines. They need to know that their world is predictable and that it's not going to change on them.
With the loss of a family leader from the home, children will check and test for structure, so be sure to give it to them. They need structure more than any other time in their lives, because this is when things seem to be falling apart for them. Enforce discipline consistently and with the right currency for good behavior. They need to see that the world keeps spinning around, and they're still an integral part of what's going on.
Whether or not you feel brave and strong, you have to appear to be the best for your children. They're worried about you and about your partner, especially if there's an apparent crisis. Do everything possible to assure them of your strength, and in doing so, you make it possible for them to relax. Show yourself to be a person of strength and resilience.
Children should not be given the job of healing your pain. Too often, children serve either as armor or as saviors for their parents in ciris. They don't need to be dealing with adult issues, and should not know too much about what's going on between you and your ex-spouse.
There are two primary rules to follow, especially during times of crisis and instability in your family.
1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.
2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.
Parents need to go beyond normal efforts to assure their children that although the family has fragmented, their protection is solid. The key is to maintain a normal pace, boundaries and routines. They need to know that their world is predictable and that it's not going to change on them.
With the loss of a family leader from the home, children will check and test for structure, so be sure to give it to them. They need structure more than any other time in their lives, because this is when things seem to be falling apart for them. Enforce discipline consistently and with the right currency for good behavior. They need to see that the world keeps spinning around, and they're still an integral part of what's going on.
Whether or not you feel brave and strong, you have to appear to be the best for your children. They're worried about you and about your partner, especially if there's an apparent crisis. Do everything possible to assure them of your strength, and in doing so, you make it possible for them to relax. Show yourself to be a person of strength and resilience.
Children should not be given the job of healing your pain. Too often, children serve either as armor or as saviors for their parents in ciris. They don't need to be dealing with adult issues, and should not know too much about what's going on between you and your ex-spouse.
There are two primary rules to follow, especially during times of crisis and instability in your family.
1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.
2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.
While this is good advice and true...it is not reality. Children are more often than not put in the middle and are the brunt of conversations/documents/ and legal proceedings that they should NEVER be involved in.
Children should not be asked to choose, children should not be used to get even with the other spouse, children should have the right to be children, and participate in extra-curricular activites regardless of who's weekend it is.
Divorce sucks and very few people are Godly enough to do the right thing by the children.
While this is good advice and true...it is not reality. Children are more often than not put in the middle and are the brunt of conversations/documents/ and legal proceedings that they should NEVER be involved in.
Children should not be asked to choose, children should not be used to get even with the other spouse, children should have the right to be children, and participate in extra-curricular activites regardless of who's weekend it is.
Divorce sucks and very few people are Godly enough to do the right thing by the children.
Blessings, Rhoni
Amen! You said a mouthful in this post, Rhoni!!
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I hate to see you frown. So wear a bag over your head until you cheer up!
Several years ago, "The American Journal of Health" reported the sad results of a long term survey. It said when parents are divorced -- especially if the parents divorced before the children where twenty-one -- the children involved tended to have shorter life spans by more than four years than children who did not experience parental divorce.
Strangely, the same findings did not bear out for children who lost parents due to death. Divorce creates a lot of stress and unhealthy behaviors as well. The researchers believe that social isolation created by divorce might be responsible for the results of the survey. Whatever the reason, the point is even years down the line the effects are felt.
The Bible says, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). And this is just one more reason why. However, rather than using this to emotionally beat up on divorced people -- most of whom hate divorce, too -- let's use this as a stimulus to invest and revitalize our marriages. I have often taught couples that the greatest thing they can do for their children is to love each other. However, this kind of love must go beyond mere emotion and feeling; it needs to involve demonstrative actions as well as kind words.
Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it (1 John 3:18 CEV).
We can and must learn to love each other these ways: our children's futures are riding on it!
This topic has been talked about in several threads this week and I thought perhaps we could talk about it ... I do have a vested interest, as some know already, and concerns.
My parents divorced when I was young and my mom was married four times, so I ask the Lord to pick my wife for me, because you have a better chance of not getting divorced by God picking your spouse.
My parents divorced when I was young and my mom was married four times, so I ask the Lord to pick my wife for me, because you have a better chance of not getting divorced by God picking your spouse.
The question is: How does God do this? He trusts you to learn from your elders, be taught by your church leadership, and learn from studying Godly/healthy relationships.
God gives you his spirit and when the person you are attracted to loves God like you love God, shows fruits of the spirt, is not led by lust of the flesh, lust of the eye, or pride of life, and you respect and admire her...good chances are...
Truth is: God doesn't wish on you someone you think is unattractive but he gives you sensitivity to the spirit, and when you live in the spirit you are better equipped to make a good decision for your life partner for yourself.
God doesn't have a couples list with your mate on it...he does though, see the future and knows the choices you will make.
I talked to my son about this thread this morning and asked him what his biggest problem with the divorce was. He said it was his dad lying and not owning up to anything that bothered him the most.
Best advice if you have to go through it is - - never lie about anything. If the kids asks question, use discretion, but don't lie. They are smart and know when you are lying (even younger children) and you are only kidding yourself if you think older kids don't know the truth.
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Master of Science in Applied Disgruntled Religious Theorist Wrangling
PhD in Petulant Tantrum Quelling
Dean of the School of Hard Knocks
I didnt read this whole thread but I have to say, staying in an unhappy environment full of chaos and anger - isnt healthy for children either. you CAN be divorced and children come out ok...staying together for the children, in certian situations - is for the birds
sometimes you have to leave for the sake of the children.
I talked to my son about this thread this morning and asked him what his biggest problem with the divorce was. He said it was his dad lying and not owning up to anything that bothered him the most.
Best advice if you have to go through it is - - never lie about anything. If the kids asks question, use discretion, but don't lie. They are smart and know when you are lying (even younger children) and you are only kidding yourself if you think older kids don't know the truth.
My son's biggest concern was: If you really were in love, how could you not be in love today? I think he waited longer to marry because this really troubled him.
I don't know what my daughter would say...she doesn't say much about it...never has.
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