Marriage is give and take

[Ferd]

Marriage is mostly take that feels like give.

[Trouvere]

Originally Posted by Stephen Hoover

Well I guess I have no reason not to. I do know a few other couples who say they have NEVER raised their voice against the other. I have noted though that these personalities don't raise their voice much at all and are generally very meek, softspoken people.

Okay just my take but I would find that boring.I want my husband to tell me the truth.Sometimes the truth is hard to take and I doubt I am going to take it smiling...yes....dear.....sounds too old for me.

[Digging4Truth]

Originally Posted by Trouvere

You believe him?

I guess I should get my wife to join in on the thread?

It's all the truth.

My wife doesn't come to the forum much but she is a registered member.

But... I have always been told... "Never explain yourself... your friends don't need it and others won't believe it"

I'm not sure what good any further explanation might do.

[Digging4Truth]

Originally Posted by Trouvere

Okay just my take but I would find that boring.I want my husband to tell me the truth.Sometimes the truth is hard to take and I doubt I am going to take it smiling...yes....dear.....sounds too old for me.

That isn't what we have going on.

We do disagree.

We do discuss things frankly.

We just do it in a normal speaking voice.

Most people who argue never really accomplish anything until the emotional volume raising is over.

We just skip that part and go right to productive conversation.

Both ends of the spectrum are learned responses.

Also... as the man of the house...I see the added benefit of keeping our discussions out of the "emotional volume raising" realm because it keeps it in a realm where I, as a man, operate with better authority. That is not so much the case when a discussion takes on an overly emotional tone. It also offers us both the opportunity to see one another's views on a more realistic plane rather than the skewed view that anger & highly emotional conversation affords.

[Trouvere]

Brother I don't see where arguing or raising your voice is unhealthy.I just
can't fathom never getting angry or never raising your voice.It cannot
be healthy.

[Digging4Truth]

Originally Posted by Trouvere

Brother I don't see where arguing or raising your voice is unhealthy.I just
can't fathom never getting angry or never raising your voice.It cannot
be healthy.

LOL...

I would say the exact opposite.

I don't see where there is anything healthy in raising ones voice.

I can see what you are saying about it being unhealthy if it were a case of anger simply not being expressed and we were holding in a lot of unspent emotion etc.

I can see your reasoning if that were the case.

But once one removes that response (the angry, emotional responses) from their repertoire of reactions then they simply learn to discuss.

No pent up anger.
No residual need for expression.

But... as I say... from that standpoint... if that were the case... I can see where "faking it" could be an unhealthy thing in the long run if there never were a true "moving on" from that mode of expression.

But what we have going on is, for us, easy, natural and healthy.

Also... please note that I am not, in any way, saying that the way anyone else lives lives is wrong or less acceptable than our own walk. It is just what we have chosen and it is serving us wonderfully.

[Trouvere]

So explain how this works? Is it that she walks on egg shells not to upset you or you her and this keeps the peace or is it that you talk yourself out of getting angry every time the occasion arrives? Hey I am open to suggestion.
I just don't deal with the same flesh you deal with.I have myself to contend with.lol..don't take offense I am just wondering how a person does this.

[Digging4Truth]

Originally Posted by Trouvere

So explain how this works? Is it that she walks on egg shells not to upset you or you her and this keeps the peace or is it that you talk yourself out of getting angry every time the occasion arrives? Hey I am open to suggestion.
I just don't deal with the same flesh you deal with.I have myself to contend with.lol..don't take offense I am just wondering how a person does this.

No offense taken.

After 16 years it is just our way of life now.

After 16 years of honest & open discussion we know each other very well and, thankfully, we agree on most things.

Sometimes we discuss things and we don't agree on the subject (I can't think of anything right off hand though).

When we don't agree... we don't agree. She sees it differently than I and...that's okay.

We are 2 different people and we respect each others opinion and neither of us require the other to see everything as the other does.

If it is a question of standards for our home etc and we simply cannot agree then we go with my opinion.

She is kind enough to grant me that authority (and that responsibility should I make the wrong choice) without major difficulty.

I have worked hard to demonstrate to her that I am not out to serve myself and that I am making my decisions out of an honest desire for what is right and she trusts me.

I have also promised her that if I find out I have taken a wrong path then I will be man enough to admit it and change course for this family.

No one walks on any eggshells. We just get along and... I believe... that the way we get along has a lot to do with the fact that we don't let ourselves fall into the emotionally charged type of interaction.

Too many times things are said in anger & haste during this type of interaction and, to me, that would be a large source of pent up anger & unspent emotion.

My parents raised me with this premise. "Words mean things".

We are careful to not say things we don't truly mean. That would be difficult to maintain in an emotional arena.

We laugh...
We discuss...
We agree...
We disagree...

We do everything everyone else does... the only real difference is that we choose to keep it on a logical, respectful and controllable plane.

Everyone ends up there in the end anyway (hopefully)

[Trouvere]

So Brother what you are saying is that you always have the last word?

[Digging4Truth]

Originally Posted by Trouvere

So Brother what you are saying is that you always have the last word?

What I am saying is that I can't remember the last time we weren't able to come to an agreement.

If we disagree...

Sometimes she was right and she helps me see it better.
Sometimes I was right and my opinion helps her understand it differently.

But... in the end... if it is something we must agree on (a family standard etc)... in the 0.001% of the time that we cannot come to a consensus then, yes, we feel that the order of authority laid out by God is that we will go with my take.

Please forgive me if I misread the tone of your post but it seems to lean slightly towards the notion that I might run the house with an iron fist or some similar thought (although I am not pleased with the way I had to word that... it is not a good representation of what I am trying to say)

But... I want to assure you that it is not the case.

My wife has been a stay at home mom most of our marriage. (One of the most exalted positions in all of the world IMO)

The last few years she has had to work and we are working toward bringing an end to that. She will be free to work if she would like but I do not like her having to work.

But in these last few years she gets home around 6:00pm. I get off around 3:30pm. I have supper cooked for her and ready when she gets home most days. The kids and I have the house clean, the clothes washed & put away etc when she gets home each day. (well...you know... kids & dad cleaned... nothing like mama clean I am sure)

My wife is an equal partner in this marriage and I love her dearly. When she used to be at home I got home and supper was ready... the house was clean... all was ready for me to relax and enjoy my family. It is the offering she gave to me every afternoon and she made coming home a wonderful thing to do.

Now that she is the one coming home in the afternoons after I have been off work for several hours I do my very best to offer the same thing to her.

As a matter of fact.... I need to go and start supper as we speak because one beautiful, wonderful woman will be home soon and I want her to come home to a house that is ready for her.

Honestly... from the bottom of my heart... please forgive me if I read anything into your post that wasn't there but the last thing in the world I would want anyone to ever think is that I held some heavy hand over that wonderful woman that God has blessed me with.

Also... please know that I am not offended in anyway and I am enjoying our conversation very much.