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Originally Posted by votivesoul
Aquila,
I'm going to give you the nutshell version/summary of how I see your p.o.v. Please clarify in any areas as needed:
1.) Both you and your current spouse were innocent parties in previously failed marriages.
2.) Those failed marriages led to serious financial and other difficulties in divorce court.
3.) The state of Ohio sanctioned your divorce.
4.) You and your current spouse began dating.
5.) You became serious and moved toward marriage.
6.) There was a marriage proposal, followed by an acceptance.
7.) You both came under the religious conviction that going to the state for a marriage license was something you abhorred.
8.) You hit on the idea of having a "Quaker" wedding, even though you aren't Quakers.
9.) You met with members of your house church fellowship, discussed the proposal, received approval, and planned for the day.
10.) On a certain day, you made your vows one to the other in the presence of witnesses made up of members of your house church fellowship.
11.) You henceforth considered yourselves married to each other.
12.) You began living together and consummated the marriage.
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Essentially, yes. As with every life story, there are details I'd elaborate on more upon because the details aren't exact, but for the sake of brevity, the above is essentially good so far.
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13.) Some time after this, your spouse began to have doubts about the marriage vis a vis not being able to receiving SSI benefits.
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I'd have to tweak the above point to bring it more in line with actuality. She didn't begin to have "doubts about the marriage". She began to wonder if a "civil marriage" would be best in the event of my death. The notion of her "doubting the marriage" was put into her mouth at some point in this discussion by someone else. The issue was with the consideration of benefits, not the legitimacy of our being married in God's eyes.
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14.) In order to make her happy, you promised you'd propose all over again and pretend like you weren't actually married, though you really were, and so, you began calling her your "fiance, and etc.".
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Again, the notion of pretending like we weren't married is an insertion by someone else. It was just proposing all over again to show her that I was serious, if that's what she wanted. The way I see it, God has already joined us together. Choosing to get a "civil marriage" only brings the state on board to recognize the union for legal purposes and benefits. I began calling her my fiancé during that period so as to honor what was looking to be her desire for a civil marriage.
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15.) Circumstances in life hindered you from seeking a state-recognized marriage license from a Justice of the Peace.
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Not necessarily. A couple weeks after she mentioned considering a civil marriage, she brought up that she felt it would be disingenuous to seek a civil marriage just for money. And she hasn't really mentioned it again.
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16. However, your spouse intends to change her name and that of her children to yours some time in January 2018.
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Yes, she has talked about changing her name and the name of her daughter after next January.
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A few questions come to mind, but please, correct anything 1-16 above.
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My ex-wife strung me along legally for roughly five years. She knew how badly it would damage any future ministry opportunities, she knew how lonely it would make me, she knew the financial cost it would bring, and she knew the toll all the emotional anxiety would take. It was like being in absolute bondage for almost 5 years (almost half the amount of time we had been married when she left). I would hear about people getting divorced and it being over in a couple months. But I couldn't get free because I didn't have an attorney or any money. So there I was, stuck. No attorney, no money, and a "legal" wife who was more than willing to shack up with some dude and still legally control my life. She wrecked my credit and kept me from being able to buy a house, a car, or get on my feet financially. I didn't have the money for an attorney to fight her. The cheapest attorney wanted $1,700 to
begin the process. I'm sorry, but I didn't have that kind of cash laying around. When I got a second job to try to get some money to save up to get legalities taken care of, she argued that while I was working two jobs, I wasn't picking up my son, and she promised to note that in court if I wanted to dare ask for joint custody. So, I quit the second job to continue seeing my son. I was living paycheck to paycheck and barely able to afford bills. It was pure hell and I was about to be evicted from my apartment.
My point is, the details of several points above could be an entire book of drama in and of themselves. My experience with divorce was the single most terrible period in my life. Let me tell you, I'd prefer to put a bullet in my skull than endure anything like that again. Imagine not having the finances to get an attorney and file for a divorce while your legal wife, who is now living with another man, is perfectly fine watching you squirm in the legal bondage of the civil marriage...
for years. Those are
years out of your life. Years you couldn't even consider dating again if you wanted to keep a good reputation. Because if you did cave in due to loneliness, YOU'D be considered the sinner, though the entire circumstance isn't what you want for your life. Those are years you couldn't move on, fall in love, buy property, or buy a car, and you're stuck struggling to find a place to live because she has destroyed your credit. Imagine a woman taking every legal "benefit" of the civil system and using it against you to destroy you. And that's BEFORE the two of you end up in court... then the circus just gets worse as she and her high paid attorney cruelly lie and take public jabs at you like some caged and defenseless bear. Honestly, I'd day dream about sneaking a gun into the court and blowing my head off in front of everyone. Never. Again. The state can take a flying leap. I don't mind the state getting involved in areas of life wherein I'm helpless or areas of life wherein it can save me money. But I don't need it managing any of my relationships ever again.
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1.) During the time in which your spouse doubted the marriage and wanted to get a license, did you and she break off from considering yourselves married? I mean, you began to call her your fiance here at AFF. But what else? Did you stop co-habiting? Did you end all conjugal rights?
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Consider the answer I posted above, because y'all keep coloring the water to twist it:
She didn't begin to have "doubts about the marriage". She began to wonder if a "civil marriage" would be best in the event of my death. The notion of her "doubting the marriage" was put into her mouth at some point in this discussion by someone else. The issue was with the consideration of benefits, not the legitimacy of our being married in God's eyes.
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2.) How hard is it to get to a courthouse and get a marriage license and line up a Justice of the Peace, that it's been over a year since you posted here calling your spouse your fiance? I bet it could be done in an afternoon. What's the hold up?
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I already answered that one too. Nothing hinders us from seeking a civil marriage. A couple weeks after she mentioned considering a "civil marriage", she brought up that she felt it would be disingenuous to seek a civil marriage just for money and that the liabilities of a civil marriage still far outweighs any possible security it could provide. And she hasn't really mentioned it again.
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3.) What is happening in or by January 2018 that's going to allow your spouse to change her legal name, and that of her children, to yours? Secondly, why does she need to wait another almost five months before making the change?
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If memory serves me correctly, she mentioned that changing her name would cost around $300. Changing her daughter's would cost an additional fee. She wanted to wait because she wants to look into everything she'll have to do and she'll have the money to consider doing it.
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She could go to the local SSI office tomorrow and be done with it pretty quick-like, especially if she had a signed marriage license.
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You're right, if we wanted to have the government involved, it would be free and easy. But free and easy always comes with a dear price. The price of being under complete state control.
Consider this. Marriage used to offer security. If someone wanted a divorce, they had to have grounds to file that divorce. And if they had grounds to file for divorce, and those grounds were found to be grounds to legally terminate the marriage, the offending party had an uphill battle when it came to demanding spousal support, child support, visitation, and any claims on property and assets. You see, our grandparents had "security" in marriage. But when states dropped the need for grounds to divorce and adopted "no fault" divorce statutes, it doesn't matter who was at fault or who was done wrong. The courts handle it like a corporation that's being dissolved. It doesn't matter if she ran off and cheated with the entire Green Bay Packers, the court shuts you up if you start to pull out dirt and get personal. They want a clean division of property and assets. And even if she's at fault... if she makes less than you, she's ENTITLED to spousal support. Yep, you have to pay her cheatin' behind so that she can afford to get a new place and go party. And in some states, attorney's will tell you, the laws are written in a manner that they are what are known as "mother states". That means the mother is viewed as the most favorable guardian of the child, even if she was sleeping with half the Eastern Sea Board and spitting in your coffee every morning. And when you pipe up in court about how she done you wrong... the court looks negatively at you... because they see you as upsetting the system that's in place. I was told several times, "It is not the purpose of this court to discuss fault or blame." If civil marriage won't protect you from being wronged, let me ask you, WHY GET MARRIED THEN?" LOL
I pray those of you who are married never have to get a divorce under no fault statutes. Because the attorneys and the court don't care who cheated. The only care if someone is doing drugs, is abusive, or is violent. Beyond that, they are just going to liquidate the farm and split it all down the middle, and give her whatever she's "entitled" to, and then explain to you why you aren't "entitled" to jack.
Think about the gamble that makes civil marriage today. Why would anyone want that kind of liability? There's more incentive to divorce than to stay married, if you're a woman. And go ahead and Google it... guess who files for divorce more often, husbands or wives?
It's a scam designed to help the state make money, attorney's to make money, and to undermine the wealthier of the two of you, regardless of who has done who wrong.
I'm ranting. Sorry. lol
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