More Yucks - Page 43

BeenThinkin · #**421** 12-19-2011, 08:04 PM

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name---they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh, God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold the Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Been Thinkin

BeenThinkin · #**422** 12-19-2011, 09:29 PM

Top 10 reasons I procrastinate....

1.

BeenThinkin · #**423** 12-19-2011, 09:46 PM

A wife buys a dozen underwear the same color for her husband. The husband protests, saying, "Why buy me the same color? People will think I never change underwear!" Wife asked, "Which people?" There was TOTAL silence!

Sam · #**424** 12-22-2011, 11:54 PM

Warning

Sam · #**425** 12-22-2011, 11:55 PM

Bonus time

Sam · #**426** 12-22-2011, 11:56 PM

uh, oh

Sam · #**427** 11-19-2012, 10:52 PM

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a preacher came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The preacher was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen preachers lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Sam · #**428** 11-19-2012, 10:54 PM

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP to Food Lion

Yesterday I was at my local Food Lion buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

BeenThinkin · #**429** 11-20-2012, 10:29 AM

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Been Thinkin

BeenThinkin · #**430** 11-20-2012, 10:31 AM

A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others."

A man, his wife, and his mother in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."