More Yucks - Page 39

Sam · #**381** 08-26-2010, 08:31 PM

Some health questions and answers from a prominent doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain..good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Sam · #**382** 08-29-2010, 04:38 PM

Some hard to find Hallmark cards
for when you care enough to send the very best
to certain people but here are a few examples
of how someone has been able to come up with just the right words for the right occasion:

My tire was thumping...

I thought it was flat..

When I looked at the tire.....

I noticed your cat...

Sorry!

--------------------------------------

Heard your wife left you,..
How upset you must be...

But don't fret about it.....

She moved in with me.

-----------------------------------

Looking back over the years..

That we've been together,..

I can't help but wonder.....

"What was I thinking?"

----------------------------------------

Congratulations on your wedding day!..

Too bad no one likes your husband.
..

------------------------------------

How could two people as beautiful as you..

Have such an ugly baby?

--------------------------------------

I’ve always wanted to have..

Someone to hold,..

Someone to love...

After having met you ....

I've changed my mind.

--------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

------------------------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

---------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your promotion...
Before you go.....

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?..

You'll probably need it again.

------------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!..

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

----------------------------------------------------------

Happy birthday!

You look great for your age...

Almost Lifelike!

------------------------------------------------------

When we were together,..

You always said you'd die for me...

Now that we've broken up,..

I think it's time you kept your promise.

------------------------------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time ....

let's say we stop.

-------------------------------------------------

I'm so miserable without you..

it's almost like you're here.

------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...

Did you ever find out who the father was?

---------------------------------------------

Your friends and I wanted to do..

Something special for your birthday...

So we're having you put to sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------

So your daughter's a hooker,..

And it spoiled your day...

Look at the bright side,..

it's really good pay

..

Sam · #**383** 09-08-2010, 09:10 PM

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious President asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy.."

"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet it's probably not an accident either."

Sam · #**384** 09-10-2010, 10:12 PM

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN!!

..FOOTBALL TRUTHS ...

(1) What does the average Penn State player get on his SATs?
.. ..........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
.. ..........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Michigan State cheerleader into your dorm room?
.. ..........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?
.. ...........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
.. ........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Maryland football team like a possum?
.. ......Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Texas Longhorn..football player's..life?
.. ..........His freshman year.

(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.. ..........None. That's a sophomore course.
..
(9) Where was O. J. Headed in the white Bronco?
.. ......... Durham , North Carolina . ..He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.
..
(10) How do you keep an SMU football player out of your front yard?
....................Erect a goal post!

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal clash).....

(11) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.. ...........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,..and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
..

Mr. Smith · #**385** 09-11-2010, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam

Heard your wife left you,..
How upset you must be...

But don't fret about it.....

She moved in with me.

I would imagine that if there's any man on this forum who has actually experienced his wife leaving for someone else, that he would find a poem like this in extremely poor taste.

There are times when our own laughs may not be as important as the hurts of another.

Sam · #**386** 09-19-2010, 08:50 PM

Paraprosdokian Sentences: A Paraprosdokian (from Greek para", meaning "beyond" and "prosdokia", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Some Paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.

I asked God for a bike,
but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you
we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up,
we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -
only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ...
not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart
that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career,
turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money,
if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:"
I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it,
so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience
is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real,
but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality:
making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way
whether I'm about to be devoured by a shark or if seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding somebody down so they can't get away

I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt,
plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire,
remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old
to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target,
shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia
isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.
Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it
as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes,
why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.