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  #371  
Old 08-01-2010, 09:36 PM
Sam's Avatar
Sam Sam is offline
Jesus' Name Pentecostal


 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: near Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 17,805
Re: More Yucks

WARNING:

This may not be considered PC (politically correct)

There should be something here to offend most everybody


World's..Shortest..Books..
_________________________________


THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE..
by Barack Obama

-------------------------------------

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
by Tiger Woods

------------------------------------------

Sermons on Christian Love and Patriotism
by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
with an introduction by Barack Hussein Obama

-------------------------------------------------------------

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY..
by Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan and Michele Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore..
------------------------------------------------------

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER ..KATRINA..
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al..Sharpton

---------------------------------------------------

THINGS I ..LOVE ABOUT BILL..
by Hillary Clinton..

--------------------------------------------

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY..
By Bill Clinton..

--------------------------------------------------

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD..
by Bill Gates..

-----------------------------------------------

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY..
by Dennis Rodman

---------------------------------------------------------

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry..

---------------------------------------------------

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
by Amelia Earhart

-----------------------------------------------------------

Polish Wisdom

---------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
by Dr. Jack..Kevorkian..

----------------------------------------------------

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen deGeneres & Rosie O'Donnell

------------------------------------------------------

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson..

---------------------------------------------------------------

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY..

-----------------------------------------------------------------

German Humor

----------------------------------------------------------------

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS..
by O. J. Simpson..

--------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY..
by Ted Kennedy

------------------------------------------------------

MY BOOK OF MORALS..
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by
the Rev. Jesse Jackson

-----------------------------------------------------

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy..
by Nancy Pelosi
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  #372  
Old 08-01-2010, 09:45 PM
OilCityCajun OilCityCajun is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oil City, Louisiana (North of Shreveport)
Posts: 252
Re: More Yucks

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam View Post
World's..Shortest..Books..
LOL
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  #373  
Old 08-07-2010, 10:35 PM
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Location: near Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 17,805
Re: More Yucks

UPC parsonage?
Attached Images
File Type: jpg NoTV.jpg (74.2 KB, 9 views)
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  #374  
Old 08-09-2010, 03:05 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: near Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 17,805
Re: More Yucks

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm Hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on

Wife: Alright, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: ! Oh, that's good.

Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
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  #375  
Old 08-10-2010, 03:14 PM
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Sam Sam is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: near Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 17,805
Re: More Yucks

Sometime this year, some taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs or Hugo Chavez.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
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  #376  
Old 08-10-2010, 03:15 PM
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Sam Sam is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: near Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 17,805
Re: More Yucks

Subject: Gubmint" and How "Gubmint" Works (Weeks Gem)

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So They created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY..... during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready??
It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2010 -- 33 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

33 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes -- good ole bureaucracy.

AND NOW THE PRESIDENT AND CONGRESS ARE TURNING THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

HELLOOO!

Anybody Home?

"God Bless America"
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  #377  
Old 08-10-2010, 03:18 PM
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Sam Sam is offline
Jesus' Name Pentecostal


 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: near Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 17,805
Re: More Yucks

Democratic Tax Cuts

Be sure to read to the bottom about the change to your W2’s next year……………

In just six months, the largest tax hikes in the history of America will take effect.
They will hit families and small businesses in three great waves on January 1, 2011:

First Wave:
Expiration of 2001 and 2003 Tax Relief
In 2001 and 2003, the GOP Congress enacted several tax cuts for investors, small business owners, and families. These tax cuts are all scheduled to expire on January 1, 2011:

Personal income tax rates will rise.
The lowest rate will rise from 10 to 15 percent. All the rates in between will also rise. The top income tax rate will rise from 35 to 39.6 percent (this is also the rate at which two-thirds of small business profits are taxed).
Itemized deductions and personal exemptions will be phased out, which has the same mathematical effect as higher marginal tax rates. The full list of marginal rate hikes is below:
- The 10% bracket rises to an expanded 15%
- The 25% bracket rises to 28%
- The 28% bracket rises to 31%
- The 33% bracket rises to 36%
- The 35% bracket rises to 39.6%

Higher taxes on marriage and family.
The child tax credit will be cut in half from $1000 to $500 per child.
The standard deduction will no longer be doubled for married couples relative to the single level.
The dependent care and adoption tax credits will be cut.

The return of the Death Tax. This year, there is no death tax.
For those dying on or after January 1 2011, there is a 55 percent top death tax rate.

Higher tax rates on RETIREES, Savers and Investors.
The capital gains tax on investment income will rise from 15 percent this year to 20 percent in 2011.
The dividends tax will rise from 15 percent this year to 39.6 percent in 2011.
These rates will rise another 3.8 percent in 2013.
Second Wave:
Obamacare
There are over twenty new or higher taxes in Obamacare.
Several will first go into effect on January 1, 2011. They include:

The “Medicine Cabinet Tax”
Thanks to Obamacare, Americans will no longer be able to use health savings account (HSA), flexible spending account (FSA), or health reimbursement (HRA) pre-tax dollars to purchase non-prescription, over-the-counter medicines (except insulin).
The “Special Needs Kids Tax”
This provision of Obamacare imposes a cap on flexible spending accounts (FSAs) of $2500 (Currently, there is no federal government limit). There is one group of FSA owners for whom this new cap will be particularly cruel and onerous: parents of special needs children. There are thousands of families with special needs children in the United States and many of them use FSAs to pay for special needs education. Under tax rules, FSA dollars cannot be used to pay for this type of special needs education.
The HSA Withdrawal Tax Hike.
This provision of Obamacare increases the additional tax on non-medical early withdrawals from an HSA from 10 to 20 percent.

Third Wave:
The Alternative Minimum Tax and Employer Tax Hikes

When Americans prepare to file their tax returns in January of 2011,they’ll be in for a nasty surprise—many AMT tax relief provisions will have expired.
The major items include:

The AMT will now apply to over 28 million families, up from 4 million last year.
These families will have to pay taxes at the higher level. The AMT was created in 1969 to ensnare a handful of taxpayers.

Small business expensing will be slashed and 50% expensing will disappear. Small businesses can normally expense (rather than slowly-deduct, or depreciate”) equipment purchases up to $250,000.
This will be cut all the way down to $25,000. Larger businesses can expense half of their purchases of equipment. In January of 2011, all of it will have to be “depreciated.”

Taxes will be raised on all types of businesses.
There are literally scores of tax hikes on business that will take place. The biggest is the loss of the “research and experimentation tax credit,” but there are many, many others. Combining high marginal tax rates with the loss of this tax relief will cost jobs.
Tax Benefits for Education and Teaching Reduced.
The deduction for tuition and fees will not be available.
Tax credits for education will be limited.
Teachers will no longer be able to deduct classroom expenses.
Education Savings Accounts will be cut.
Employer-provided educational assistance is curtailed.
The student loan interest deduction will be disallowed for hundreds of thousands of families.
Charitable Contributions from IRAs are no longer allowed.
Under current law, a retired person with an IRA can contribute up to $100,000 per year directly to a charity from their IRA. This contribution also counts toward an annual “required minimum distribution.” This ability will no longer be there.
PDF Version Read more:http://www.atr.org/six-months-untilb...3ixzz0sY8waPq1

Now your insurance is INCOME on your W2's......
One of the surprises we'll find come next year, is what follows - - a little "surprise" that 99% of us had no idea was included in the "new and improved" healthcare legislation
Starting in 2011, (next year folks), your W-2 tax form sent by your employer will be increased to show the value of whatever health insurance you are given by the company.
You will now be required to pay taxes on a large sum of money that you have never seen.
Take your tax form you just finished and see what $15,000 or $20,000 additional gross does to your Tax debt. That's what you'll pay next year. For many, it also puts you into a new higher bracket so it's even worse.
This is how the government is going to buy insurance for the15% that don't have insurance and it's only part of the tax increases.
Joan Pryde is the senior tax editor for the Kiplinger letters. Go to Kiplingers and read about 13 tax changes that could affect you. Number 3 is what is above.
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  #378  
Old 08-21-2010, 07:41 PM
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Re: More Yucks

CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is
still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it
doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'
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  #379  
Old 08-24-2010, 11:01 AM
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Sam Sam is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: near Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 17,805
Re: More Yucks

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was
left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a
story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her
plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she
had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
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  #380  
Old 08-26-2010, 08:26 PM
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Sam Sam is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: near Cincinnati, Ohio
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Re: More Yucks

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
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