More Yucks

[RandyWayne]

[MawMaw]

Originally Posted by Sam

Shot in head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could be irrelevant.

That is hilarious!!!!!!

[Sam]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou..

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..............

[Sam]

Message from our President

[Sam]

Cell phone for us seniors

[Sam]

And Then There Were None

10 little Christians standing in line. 1 disliked the preacher, then there were 9.
9 little Christians stayed up very late. 1 overslept Sunday, then there were 8.
8 little Christians on their way to Heaven. 1 took the low road and then there were 7.
7 little Christians chirping like chicks. 1 disliked music, then there were 6.
6 little Christians seemed very much alive, but one lost his interest then there was 5.
5 little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore, but one stopped to rest, then there were 4.
4 little Christians each busy as a bee. 1 got his feelings hurt, then there were 3.
3 little Christians knew not what to do. 1 joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2.
2 little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done, differed with each other, then there was 1.

1 little Christian can't do much 'tis true, brought his friend to bible study, then there were 2.
2 earnest Christians, each won one more. That doubled the number, then there were 4.
4 sincere Christians worked early and late. Each won another then there were 8.
8 splendid Christians if they doubled as before. In just so many Sundays, we'd have 1,024.

In this little jingle, there is a lesson true, you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew

[Sam]

PRAYER POSTURING

"The proper way for man to pray," said Deacon Lemuel Keyes, "And the only proper attitude is down upon your knees."

"No, I should say the way to pray," said Reverend Dr. Wise, "Is standing straight with upraised arms and rapt and upturned eyes."

"Oh, no, no, no!" said Elder Sloe___ "Such posture is too proud. A man should pray with eyes fast closed and head contritely bowed."

"It seems to me his hands should be austerely clasped in front with both thumbs pointing downward," said Reverend Dr. Blunt.

"Last year I fell in Hodgekin's well headfirst," said farmer Cyrus Brown. "With both my heels a-stickin' up, my head a-pointin' down. And I made a prayer right then and there - best prayer I ever said - the prayingest prayer I ever prayed - a-standin' on my head!"

[BeenThinkin]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -


Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?

BT

[BeenThinkin]

CITIZENS BORDER ALERT!! YOUR VIGILANCE IS NEEDED.

The United States Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout
for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal
immigrants across the border from Mexico into the U.S.

If you see the vehicle pictured below, you are urged to contact your local
police department or the U. S. Border Patrol.

[BeenThinkin]

Gentle Thoughts for Today -

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then use the bathroom on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . . AMEN!

BT