More Yucks

[freeatlast]

Originally Posted by Sam

not necessarily, maybe he thinks the HMH teaching is a joke

Yep sam, ya got me. It is a joke...but it sure aint funny.

[Sam]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there..

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?'"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

[BeenThinkin]

Originally Posted by Sam

A guy is driving around the back woods of Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there..

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?'"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Whoa!! I think that dog has been trolling on AFF! j/k lol

BeenThinkin

[RandyWayne]

[Sam]

One Sunday morning, the pastor said, "Today, we are going to do something different. Y'all are gonna help me preach. I'll say a word and I want y'all to start a song about that word."

He started out by saying, "Cross" and the congregation began singing "The Old Rugged Cross."

Then he shouted out, "Grace" and the congregation broke out into "Amazing Grace."

Next he hollered, "Power" and the congregation began to sing, "There is power in the blood."

He paused, then shouted out, "Sex." There was a strained silence. Several shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Then, from way back in the rear of the church a little old grandmother began to sing in a shaky voice, "Precious Memories."

[Sam]

The Sheriff and the Farmer

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.


When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself over yonder. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

[Pressing-On]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who
got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing, left-wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited
lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us.

[TJJJ]

Originally Posted by Pressing-On

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who
got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing, left-wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited
lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us.

[Sam]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room saying to him excitedly "Grandpa, Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land."

[Esther]

The South... You Gotta Love It!




Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.

"When asked why, he replied, “I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world…”

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage from his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin’ it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving up North.

AMEN!!