More Yucks

[RandyWayne]

[Sam]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it.” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.“

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It's a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,'” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'”

[rgcraig]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[freeatlast]

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. ... See More

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

[rgcraig]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, Can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the Post Office."

[oletime]

Three young men got married, one married a girl from minnesota and he told his new bride look i dont care if you cook, well eat out, just keep the house clean , after a couple days she had it down pat.,

The next man married a girl from ohio said, look just keep the house clean and cook me some nice meals and ill be happy, after 2 or3 days she had it down perfect.

The man that married the girl from tennessee said, look honey i like hot meals on time and if the lawn needs mowing do it ,if the car needs washing, you got two arms take care of it and keep the house clean too, ill take of the bills etc.

The first day he didnt see any improvement ,the second day same thing , the third day he was able to see a little difference with one eye, and one arm worked well enough for him to get his own meals.

[freeatlast]

Funny funny funny....magic hair is not endorsed by the UPC...but right out of a UPCI publication....holy magic hair. Ha ha ha ha.

pic is lower right.

[oletime]

Originally Posted by freeatlast

Funny funny funny....magic hair is not endorsed by the UPC...but right out of a UPCI publication....holy magic hair. Ha ha ha ha.

pic is lower right.

Wrong Topic ?????????

[Sam]

Originally Posted by oletime

Wrong Topic ?????????

not necessarily, maybe he thinks the HMH teaching is a joke

[Sam]

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS LADY

.. .. .. .. ..Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
.. .. .. .. ..Nothing could dampen her excitement - not
.. .. .. .. ..even her parent's nasty divorce.

.. .. .. .. ..Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to
.. .. .. .. ..wear, and would be the best-dressed
.. .. .. .. ..mother-of-the-bride ever!

.. .. .. .. ..A week later, Jennifer was horrified to
.. .. .. .. ..learn that her father's new, young wife had
.. .. .. .. ..bought the exact same dress as her mother!

.. .. .. .. ..Jennifer asked her father's new young wife
.. .. .. .. ..to exchange it, but she refused..
.. .. .. .. ..''Absolutely not! I look like a million
.. .. .. .. ..bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,''
.. .. .. .. ..she replied..

.. .. .. .. ..Jennifer told her mother who graciously
.. .. .. .. ..said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get
.. .. .. .. ..another dress. After all, it's your special
.. .. .. .. ..day.''

.. .. .. .. ..A few days later, they went shopping, and
.. .. .. .. ..did find another gorgeous dress for her
.. .. .. .. ..mother.

.. .. .. .. ..When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
.. .. .. .. ..her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the
.. .. .. .. ..other dress? You really don't have another
.. .. .. .. ..occasion where you could wear it."

.. .. .. .. ..Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of
.. .. .. .. ..course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the
.. .. .. .. ..rehearsal dinner the night before the
.. .. .. .. ..wedding.''

.. .. .. .. ..(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE,
.. .. .. .. ..ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)



.. .. .. .. ..Women are like phones: They like to be held,
.. .. .. .. ..talked to, and touched often.
.. .. .. .. ..But push the wrong button and you’re ..disconnected!