I've told both of our boys several times over the years that one of the things that has convinced me that their birth mothers are loving women who cared about their babies is the fact that they did not choose abortion. Both could have done that. But they didn't. They made the much harder decision to give birth to their baby and then allow someone else to be their parents.
Our oldest son's birth mother had been pregnant 7 times by the time our son was 6 years old. He was her firstborn. She lost him at 3 months, got him back at 8 months and lost him again at 9 months. She finally had her parental rights severed at 3 years of age. She had a daughter by the time Justin was 1 year old. Then the day before she lost parental rights for him, she had an abortion. She then gave birth to two more boys (who she kept), then she lost a baby boy (at 5 months in her pregnancy) and finally gave birth to a baby girl who she gave up for adoption before she was even born.
This was a confused, messed up young lady who had had a very rough time growing up. No, I don't agree with anything she did. But I don't see her as an ogre or a devil child. I see her as a young lady in tremendous need of someone to love and guide her and most of all, in need of a Savior.
And I am sooooooooooo thankful that the child she gave birth to will not need to follow that same pattern that she was following. The cycle can be stopped NOW. And who knows, maybe one day Justin will be the one who leads his birth mother to the Lord.
As an adopted child I can just tell you that all of them I have ever known (thats a lot too) that it has been kept from for any amount of time were more bitter at their adoptive parents for not telling them sooner. I think young is better personally and everyone I have ever delt with agrees. This may not be the thing for everyone but there is usually no reason not to tell...
Yes sometimes the circumstances can be bad... you dont have to tell them that anyways! All that needs to be said is... they did what they felt was best for you! Its an always heard answer and it is almost always the truth! Mine was the worst of circumstances yet I was told this my entire life... I grew up with absolutely not hate towards my bio mom whatsoever! I hurt yes! Who doesnt but I did not hate her ... I had a lot of questions but no hate.
I was fortunate enough to meet my biological mother and many of my siblings a couple of years ago and I wouldnt trade them OR my real parents for anything!
All that to say.... I was told the first time the day I was brought home from the hospital and until the day I could understand,,,, Then it was explained... I was maybe 6.
NEVER keep what you know about their parents from them... the minute you feel they are old enough to understand tell them! If you know who and where and why tell them! Keeping these things will kill them on the inside. The hardest part was when I found out my cousin was the nurse who delivered me and knew everything and kept it from me all those years... I think I hated her more than the fact that I was adopted!
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Originally Posted by Sister Alvear
We told our adopted ones from the very beginning and I personally think it is best...I know many factors are involved and many have different opinions. I love my adopted ones just as much as I love Raul Jr and feel no difference in my heart between them and Raul Jr.
As an adopted child (by my dad), I always knew I was adopted and am thankful my parents never hid it from me. I was 25 before I started researching my biological father's side of the family. He had been killed in a tractor trailer accident after my dad had adopted me. Everyone wants to know a little about their family history and the adopted child needs to know as well. It WILL help them understand some of their tendencies and traits.
My dad and mother brought me to see my biological grandmother before she passed.
I knew of a similar situation--biological mother, adopted dad--where the child was approaching his teen years and the parents still hadn't told him. They have never found "a good time" to tell him.
Tell them when they are young. It's much easier. Furthermore, I have heard countless stories where an aunt, uncle, grandmother, older sibling, etc. "spilled the bean" before the parents found that "good time" to tell the child themselves.
As an adopted child (by my dad), I always knew I was adopted and am thankful my parents never hid it from me. I was 25 before I started researching my biological father's side of the family. He had been killed in a tractor trailer accident after my dad had adopted me. Everyone wants to know a little about their family history and the adopted child needs to know as well. It WILL help them understand some of their tendencies and traits.
My dad and mother brought me to see my biological grandmother before she passed.
I knew of a similar situation--biological mother, adopted dad--where the child was approaching his teen years and the parents still hadn't told him. They have never found "a good time" to tell him.
Tell them when they are young. It's much easier. Furthermore, I have heard countless stories where an aunt, uncle, grandmother, older sibling, etc. "spilled the bean" before the parents found that "good time" to tell the child themselves.
Yes.....truth or as much as you can tell is important....my husband adopted our son .....when we were married, our son was 4 and we talked about it before hand....my hubby has been a very good father to him, when our son was a teen I called his bio dad for him and they meant...but didn't really build a relationship. My hubby is his DAD!
On the flip side, sometimes it can be devastating to a child to find out that he doesn't share the same parents that his siblings do.
I have a friend who has 3 boys. While they are close in age, she had a 4 yr old son when she got married to her husband. The father wants nothing to do with his son and never has, so Jason has been his father, and Austin has always called him 'dad'.
When he was about ten, his mother decided it would be a good idea to tell Austin that Jason wasn't his real father. This did more harm than good. Austin is now 12 yrs old and is out of control (there are more issues here than just finding out that Jason isn't his father). He throws it in his mother's face that Jason isn't his 'real' dad and gives her a hard time.
I and other friends advised her not to tell him, especially considering that his 'real' dad didn't want anything to do with him and how harmful that might be. I told her that he didn't have to know, and I believed that to be best. She didn't agree, but I'm sure she now sees that she should have left well-enough alone.
My children have always known that their father doesn't care for them, and that knowledge is devastating to them. The difference is, I don't have a dad for them at all, so they had no choice but to have that information, but I can tell you, if I did have a dad for them, I would have kept it a secret that they had another family.
My info comes from living on the other side.
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I've gone and done it now! I'm on Facebook!!!
Yes.....truth or as much as you can tell is important....my husband adopted our son .....when we were married, our son was 4 and we talked about it before hand....my hubby has been a very good father to him, when our son was a teen I called his bio dad for him and they meant...but didn't really build a relationship. My hubby is his DAD!
Exactly. All it takes to be a father is to be a male. It takes someone special to be a DAD.
On the flip side, sometimes it can be devastating to a child to find out that he doesn't share the same parents that his siblings do.
I have a friend who has 3 boys. While they are close in age, she had a 4 yr old son when she got married to her husband. The father wants nothing to do with his son and never has, so Jason has been his father, and Austin has always called him 'dad'.
When he was about ten, his mother decided it would be a good idea to tell Austin that Jason wasn't his real father. This did more harm than good. Austin is now 12 yrs old and is out of control (there are more issues here than just finding out that Jason isn't his father). He throws it in his mother's face that Jason isn't his 'real' dad and gives her a hard time.
I and other friends advised her not to tell him, especially considering that his 'real' dad didn't want anything to do with him and how harmful that might be. I told her that he didn't have to know, and I believed that to be best. She didn't agree, but I'm sure she now sees that she should have left well-enough alone.
My children have always known that their father doesn't care for them, and that knowledge is devastating to them. The difference is, I don't have a dad for them at all, so they had no choice but to have that information, but I can tell you, if I did have a dad for them, I would have kept it a secret that they had another family.
My info comes from living on the other side.
H1, I have to disagree with you here. I think that if she had never told him, and then he found out later (like when he was 16 or older), he would have been more angry than ever. She would have been a "liar" in his eyes. If you can't trust your parent who SAYS they love you, who can you trust?
The problem is that she should have told him long before he was 10 years old. He should have been told from the very beginning. She didn't need to say to him that his bio-dad was the scum of the earth and hated him. All she needed to tell him was that his REAL dad - the guy who loved him and was raising him - was doing it because he was special and he adored him and wanted to be there for him. Kids aren't stupid. He would have put 2 + 2 together and realized that his bio-dad was useless. But he would have felt good about himself knowing that someone loved him enough to want to be there for him.
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Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of a battle ! ! ! !
H1, I have to disagree with you here. I think that if she had never told him, and then he found out later (like when he was 16 or older), he would have been more angry than ever. She would have been a "liar" in his eyes. If you can't trust your parent who SAYS they love you, who can you trust?
The problem is that she should have told him long before he was 10 years old. He should have been told from the very beginning. She didn't need to say to him that his bio-dad was the scum of the earth and hated him. All she needed to tell him was that his REAL dad - the guy who loved him and was raising him - was doing it because he was special and he adored him and wanted to be there for him. Kids aren't stupid. He would have put 2 + 2 together and realized that his bio-dad was useless. But he would have felt good about himself knowing that someone loved him enough to want to be there for him.
Like I said, there is more to his problems than just that issue, but since she hadn't told him when he was younger, I don't think he should have been told at all. She also didn't tell him that his dad hated him or anything, but since he's not in the picture, it's loud and clear to him.
I do agree with you. She should have told him from the very beginning. Thing is, she had him calling her current boyfriends 'daddy' when he was younger. My brother was one of his many 'daddy's', and was hurt when that relationship was severed.
I'm just thankful that she's been married to this guy for about 8 years now and they are happily married. I never expected that from her.
I have fears about Austin. He is one of these children that, if someone told me that he was arrested after shooting people at school, I would not be surprised. He is a child full of anger and hate. His mother doesn't help him in dealing with it either.
He's been like that since he was born, so I'm not sure what circumstances caused it. When he was a baby, he would get so angry that he would hold his breath until he passed out. He did this until he was about 3 yrs old. I hope one day that Jesus gets a hold of him. He attends a UPC church, but his mom isn't consistent with what the church believes, and openly speaks against the church. I believe this has a great effect on children.
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I've gone and done it now! I'm on Facebook!!!
Tell them from the beginning that they were adopted so that they later do not call you a liar. Also tell them that you choose them. They are not like children that come acidently. They were choosen.
In my opinion....this is what makes a successful adoption .....parents who realize the special circumstances for an adopted child...when adoptive parents are over protective and jealous of the birth parents it causes such pain for the child, who is innocent in the whole thing. I think that in many cases open adoption helps everyone...as long as the birth parents realize that the adoptive parents are just that the parents...I am hoping that adoption will become the first choice for young women and NOT abortion! I just hate abortion and what it has caused...the women who started all that, who has now changed her mind...wonder how she sleeps at night knowing what has happened because of her actions! She if fighting for the other side now, but the damage that has been done....oh my heart aches for all those babies....
In my research, I'm finding a lot of young girls are under intense pressure from their parents and families. This is true of both adoption and abortion. A girl under 20 is very vulnerable to this type of pressure.
Although I do not have personal experience with adoption, I have had several friends that have adopted children. I do think the earlier the better. The best case scenario is - begin to talk about the child as a special gift to your family that was given by a loving bio parent from the time the child is a part of your family. If it is talked about from the beginning- then you do not have to decide when to tell them and you do not have to worry about how or who tells them.
This is only partially true. I was told at a very early age but denied all details for 58 years. Many family members I could have met are dead.
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