Women/Church/Abuse

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Coonskinner

I have never met a preacher who believed a woman had to stay with a man who was physically abusing her, and I have talked to a bunch of them about the subject.

I file this one right along with the one about fat Pentecostals.

In surveys done with Christian pastors, the vast majority say that they would never tell a woman in abuse to stay. On the flip side, Christian women in abusive situations who left felt they were not supported by their churches or pastors. I think there are a number of reasons for this. I think it is a very complex subject. I think the majority of Christian pastors want to support women in abusive situations, but when it comes down to the brass tacks, there is a failure to support. I think that is an unfortunate reality. I am not blaming this dynamic on a lack of trying in most people....I think most people really mean well, but just don't know what to do.

The bottom line is that I think you loathe pastors who would tell women in abusive situations to stay just as much as I do. But, as you yourself said, it does happen.

[ILG]

Also, I think that many would not tell women to stay, but would offer no practical help....no financial or even emotional support, etc. to help her get out and then possibly blame her for staying and give even less help next time it got worse.

[Pragmatist]

And there are probably others that would move her and her family in with them if necessary.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Pragmatist

And there are probably others that would move her and her family in with them if necessary.

That may be true. In the shelter, we see the people that can't get help elsewhere. Also, statistics say that it takes an abused woman leaving 7 times to finally leave altogether. Many people get tired of the back and forth cycle that happens before she does leave and even parents end up not supporting sometimes. This is what I mean when I say it is very complicated with many dynamics.

I didn't mean to come off harsh in my first post about loathing phariseeical people who tell women to stay....I have run across doctrines that say that divorce is not allowed in any situation and other ideas that most here would likely disagree with that some women have to live under while their husband plays the pious religious person.....all the while beating her up behind closed doors. I think the vast, vast majority of people are opposed to this which is why domestic violence shelters exist in the first place, supported by tax dollars. But, it is amazing the religious and spiritual platitudes that some people actually use to keep women in abusive situations.

Statistics show that women go to their pastors first rather than a domestic abuse shelter. Pastors need training in this. They need to know the dynamics and what to expect. Since Christian women go to their pastors first, that means they come to us second (statistically speaking). Domestic abuse shelters are full of employees that are very liberal, generally speaking. I have seen many anti-Christian attitudes. But, as I see the women who walk in the door, I can see why people who don't know God and see the spiritual and religious abuse of these women turn from Christianity rather than to it. This is what I mean when God is blasphemed among the gentiles because of those who turn people away from God with unjust doctrines.

So, this is a call for Christians.....to be educated and know what to do and what to expect. I would rather that people got help from God's people and that we really would take care of our own....or that we could work in conjunction together, which would be a pretty good idea too. The downtrodden and poor need to see Christianity as a help to them.

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by tamor

Sure there are. There are always some who would say stay no matter what.
But I wonder what they would do if they or their children were in the same situation........

You are correct! You'd be surprised at the number of people who live in abusive situations and go to abusive churches...they might be some of your children.

Sadly, Rhoni

[Pragmatist]

Originally Posted by ILG

Statistics show that women go to their pastors first rather than a domestic abuse shelter. Pastors need training in this. They need to know the dynamics and what to expect. Since Christian women go to their pastors first, that means they come to us second (statistically speaking). Domestic abuse shelters are full of employees that are very liberal, generally speaking. I have seen many anti-Christian attitudes. But, as I see the women who walk in the door, I can see why people who don't know God and see the spiritual and religious abuse of these women turn from Christianity rather than to it. This is what I mean when God is blasphemed among the gentiles because of those who turn people away from God with unjust doctrines.

So, this is a call for Christians.....to be educated and know what to do and what to expect. I would rather that people got help from God's people and that we really would take care of our own....or that we could work in conjunction together, which would be a pretty good idea too. The downtrodden and poor need to see Christianity as a help to them.

Good post. While I think the majority of pastors would want her out of the situation, they may not fully understand HOW to help.

[RevDWW]

Originally Posted by Pragmatist

Good post. While I think the majority of pastors would want her out of the situation, they may not fully understand HOW to help.

What do you base this on? What do you define as fully understanding?

[Trouvere]

guilt is one reason people stay....for better for worse in sickness and in health
for richer or poorer.So when the abuse starts the old.....I vowed a vow kicks in.Anyone have any comments on this?

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Trouvere

guilt is one reason people stay....for better for worse in sickness and in health
for richer or poorer.So when the abuse starts the old.....I vowed a vow kicks in.Anyone have any comments on this?

He vowed a vow too....to love and protect. This is not to say that she should take her vows lightly, but if we are talking about physical safety here....she does have a responsibility to herself and her children. It is not a breaking of the vows to protect herself. Some women have strong convictions about not getting a divorce and I respect that, personally....but getting a divorce is not the same thing as separating to protect yourself, which is simply reasonable. I think there comes a point and time where it is irresponsible and wrong to NOT protect yourself and your children. Of course, many of these women know that leaving might mean retaliation....and a restraining order.....and an irreparable breach. At the shelter, we support the woman's choice no matter what it is. We do not tell women what to do because they know the situation and relationship better than anyone else. There are lots of reasons to not tell a woman what to do and control is one of them. These women are used to being controlled and we try to empower them to learn to make their own choices. In reality, supporting the woman's choice and believing her are about the best supporting things anyone can do.

For emotional abuse....I think there is greater leeway in working with the man. I think You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One by Steven Stosny is a great book and actually gives some good ideas for the abusive man to follow....rather than just saying he's a bad guy. So much of the material is simply geared towards saying he's a bad guy....get out. Many of these women want to try....and I think this is a great book for that. It does give cautionaries though for women who are involved in physical abuse to not put themselves in harm's way.

[Trouvere]

ILG exactly what kind of book is that and could you give a few exerpts?
I invited my friend to read this thread.