More Yucks

[Sam]

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends.. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of The cake.. She found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified --she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home..

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!


Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice , still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good.”

[Sam]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip --shopping, casinos, massages, facials. ....
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Two days before the group is to leave Susan's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

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Susan's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

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Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Susan sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. .................................................. .................................................. ..
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"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"
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.."Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands ..over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" ..
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I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over............On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! ..He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want." .
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So here I am. ........

[RandyWayne]

LOL

[Sam]

Some Pun ish ment




...Those who jump off a bridge in..Paris..are in..Seine.

.....A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

.....Dijon..vu - the same mustard as before.

.....Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

.....Shotgun wedding..-- A case of wife or death.

.....A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

.....A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

.....Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

.....Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

.....Reading..while sunbathing makes you well red.

.....When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

.....A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

.....What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

.....Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

.....In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

.....She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

.....A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

.....If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

.....With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.....The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

.....You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

.....Local Area Network..in..Australia..-- the LAN down under.

.....Every calendar's days are numbered..

.....A lot of money is tainted -- It taint yours and it taint mine.

.....A..boiled egg..in the morning is hard to beat.

.....He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

.....Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

.....Bakers trade..bread recipes..on a knead-to-know basis

.....Acupuncture..is a jab well done.

[Sam]

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it --only to find a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams".

[Sam]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Sam]

Winner of The Joke of the Year for 2009

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

[Sam]

Welcome to the Republican Party. Two stories .I haven’t checked these with Snopes.com so I don’t know if they are historically accurate or not.

1. A $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friends' little girl what..she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some ..day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President..what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her..parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my ..yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where ..the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food ..and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then ..she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy ..come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ..'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'


2. The College Student

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing ?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, " Welcome to the Republican party."

[SOUNWORTHY]

A blond went to the Dr., after examining her he said I have good news, you are pregnant. The blonde said" Are you sure it's mine?"

[BeenThinkin]

A man had made a habit of coming home very late and very drunk every nite. His wife decided to teach him a lesson and dress up like satan. When her husband arrived home and got out of his car, she jumped out to scare him. Her husband said," You don't scare me Satan, I'm married to your sister"!