Tom Brady goes to heaven and gets a small home with a Patriots flag in the yard, then he notices a much larger home with a Colt's flag. Tom proceeds to brag to God about his accomplishment and asked God why Payton gets a larger home? God replies that's not Payton's it's Mine...Go Colts!
__________________
God has lavished his love upon me.
A British Lancaster bomber is shot down over Nazi territory early in WW2. All the members of the crew perish - but the navigator's wrist watch is salvaged, still running, and taken to Gestapo headquarters for investigation.
The following notes are recorded from the interrogation:
Herr Kommandant: "Vhat vas the intended target!"
Wrist Watch: "...tick, tick, tick..."
Herr Kommandant: "Vhere vere you planning to bomb!"
Wrist Watch: "...tick, tick, tick..."
Herr Kommandant: "TICK! TICK! TICK! That ist all you havft to say? Vell, vee havft vays of making you tock...!"
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy
Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide
promised, House Speaker Pelosi did not fly home on the luxury jet paid for by the taxpayers but actually appearedfor the Sunday sermon and was seated prominently at the edge of the main aisle.
And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that
House Speaker Pelosi was present.
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my
favorite person.. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty,
self-absorbed hypocrite, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. She is very egregiously pro-abortion.”
He continued on, “Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She saw to it that her husband’s tuna business is personally exempted from environmental rules so he has an unfair advantage against competitors. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."
The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to others like Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that if military actions in Iraq and Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and possibly Motel 6 managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL customer service reps.
FINALLY, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more candidates for President of the United States.
I wonder how many calories I burned, laughing at these. 
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