Divorce and Stress in Children

Thank God I have never known the scourge of divorce. The relationship I have with my parents and the examples they set for me and my sister are priceless to me now, even though they were pretty strict growing up.

[rgcraig]

Originally Posted by Chewy

Thank God I have never known the scourge of divorce. The relationship I have with my parents and the examples they set for me and my sister are priceless to me now, even though they were pretty strict growing up.

It was foreign to me also. I married for life.

[SDG]

Originally Posted by rgcraig

It was foreign to me also. I married for life.

Ditto.

[SDG]

Renda, have you ever found yourself overcompensating in demonstrating love to them ... i.e. spoiling because of guilt?

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Originally Posted by Rico

At least you got to see yours. I didn't really get to see my dad much at all until I turned 13. That's when I moved in with him. It lasted all of 9 months. Some people have no business procreating. I've forgiven both my parents for the mockery they made out of marriage, but I definitely had some really rough years.

Friend, are you bitter or better now?

It was a long time determining my anger at these events.

[RevDWW]

Originally Posted by Daniel Alicea

Renda, have you ever found yourself overcompensating in demonstrating love to them ... i.e. spoiling because of guilt?

I was just going to advice you not to think that you can not instill some discipline in your children's life because of your situation. Show them you love them in every way you can, that includes setting boundaries and giving them guidelines to live by. Be as much a part of their life as you can possible be! And don't be afraid to spoil them like you would if you were not divorced! And DO NOT talk bad to them about their mother.

Love Yah!
RvDWW

PS. Reassure your kids that it was not their fault. Don't let them feel guilty for the divorce.

[Rico]

Originally Posted by BoredOutOfMyMind

Friend, are you bitter or better now?

It was a long time determining my anger at these events.

Brother, I didn't get over their divorce until I was well into my late 20s. I finally got to that place that I could see my parents through adult eyes and realized these two people never should have married in the first place. I asked my dad once why he married my mom and his answer to me was that because there was a running bet in the church between the young men on who could actually get her to agree to marry. She was a very "cold fish" kind of girl and no one could get her to agree to go out. My dad won the bet. I also asked my mom why it was she married my dad and her response to me was because she wanted to get out from under my grandfather's thumb. I told them both that they should be ashamed of themselves because I married my wife for one reason and one reason only-BECAUSE I AM IN LOVE WITH HER. Not to win some bet and not to get away from a controlling parent. They never should have married and my sister and I were the fallout from their mistake. Once I realized that they never should have married in the first place it was a lot easier to forgive them and give up my dreams and hopes of their ever reconciling.

Having experienced their divorce really helped me in being determined to not let it happen in my marriage. Yeah, my wife and I have had some rocky roads. Yeah, there have been times it seemed like we hated each other. But through it all one thing has kept us together and that is because we got married because we love each other. It's what put us together and what keeps us together and what carries us through those tough times when we want to kill each other, figuratively speaking of course.

As for my children, there is nothing in this world I would ever trade for them. NOTHING! They mean the world to me. Each one of them has promised me that when they grow up and become wealthy they are going to take Mom and Dad along for the ride! Woooo hooooo! With four of them in the running I am hopeful that at least one of them makes it big! Seriously, my children have all been a blessing. My son is tall and good looking, can play drums and basketball like nobody's business. My oldest daughter is winning award after award at school and was even recognized nationally this year over her performance at school. My middle daughter just loves her daddy to death and is always wanting to give me smoochies and hugs. My youngest daughter is cute as can be and really thinks she has her dad wrapped around her precious little finger. (She does, but I can't let her know that )

Overall, I am glad God decided to make sure I got to be a father and husband!

[rgcraig]

Originally Posted by Daniel Alicea

Renda, have you ever found yourself overcompensating in demonstrating love to them ... i.e. spoiling because of guilt?

Not really - they were already pretty blessed (or spoiled) lol!

I love the little things - - - waking up on their birthdays and balloons or a gift on their dresser - making their favorite foods - - filling up my daughter's gas tank when she comes from St. Louis. Did it before, still will do it.

It's easier because they are older - - now with you.....you'll have to watch not "letting them get by with things" because of you feeling guilty about the divorce. You can be their mom and their dad, but you need to make sure you don't move the boundaries for them regarding behaving, etc.

[LaGirl]

sometimes there is no way around a divorce...things happen. All you can do is stay in your kids life! NO MATTER WHAT...stay in their life. you have rights. hopefully the other spouse will work towards a "civil" relationship for the kids sake. try and keep things as "normal" as possible. Divorce has not touched my life, but MANY MANY friends of mine have gone through divorce in some form.

[BrotherEastman]

Originally Posted by Daniel Alicea

Divorce and Stress in Children

by Paul Faulkner


Several years ago, "The American Journal of Health" reported the sad results of a long term survey. It said when parents are divorced -- especially if the parents divorced before the children where twenty-one -- the children involved tended to have shorter life spans by more than four years than children who did not experience parental divorce.

Strangely, the same findings did not bear out for children who lost parents due to death. Divorce creates a lot of stress and unhealthy behaviors as well. The researchers believe that social isolation created by divorce might be responsible for the results of the survey. Whatever the reason, the point is even years down the line the effects are felt.

The Bible says, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). And this is just one more reason why. However, rather than using this to emotionally beat up on divorced people -- most of whom hate divorce, too -- let's use this as a stimulus to invest and revitalize our marriages. I have often taught couples that the greatest thing they can do for their children is to love each other. However, this kind of love must go beyond mere emotion and feeling; it needs to involve demonstrative actions as well as kind words.

Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it (1 John 3:18 CEV).

We can and must learn to love each other these ways: our children's futures are riding on it!

Posted: 06/08/2007
URL: http://www.heartlight.org/articles/2...rcestress.html

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This topic has been talked about in several threads this week and I thought perhaps we could talk about it ... I do have a vested interest, as some know already, and concerns.

Interesting thread. I am a product of divorce, i really did not get to know my father as much as I wanted to. My mom and step-dad were always moving, so I sure felt the isolation, and did not know what it was like to be stable while growing up. When I was in school, it was hard to make friends, and when I did, it was time to move again. I thought all this was a normal way to live, only to find out that this thinking was wrong. One of my worst fears sometimes is that something may fall apart in my marraige, don't get me wrong I love my wife more than any person in the world, its just that I've been told that statistics don't lie. Based upon these stats, it is said that "I" don't have a chance. I want to be the very best husband and father that God wants me to be. I guess the reason that I went ahead and got married was because, not only did I love my soon to be wife, but I wanted to give faith a chance. Maybe I shared too much, but I thought thats what this thread was about, sorry.