Joke Thread

[Timmy]

Originally Posted by jwharv

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap than the one I had - it locks..."

Reminds me of something I saw once. A lady parked her car and got out, closed the door. She started looking in her purse for her keys to lock the car. Then she noticed that the window was open. She happily popped the lock button down and went on her way!

[jwharv]

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.

[Trouvere]

Originally Posted by jwharv

A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"

The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."

I love this one.

[jwharv]

These 16 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country:

#16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

#15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

#14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

#13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

#12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

#11 'You don't know how fast you were going??? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

#10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

#9 'Warning!?? You want a warning??? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

#8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

#7 'Fair??? You want me to be fair??? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

#6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

#5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

#4 'How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?'

#3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

#2 'I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS:

#1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?? You're right, we don't!! Sign here.'

[Timmy]

Those are great!

[jwharv]

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business. "
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We like tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-Smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's Window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! (Dog food is expensive!)"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet: Miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary ---- we hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you sent in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up. "
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station :
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak !"

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Husband at Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away."

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him,
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

[jwharv]

That was a good one..............

[jwharv]

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a blonde, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

[jwharv]

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him
better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.