HELP!!! question for you all.

[jaxfam6]

Originally Posted by Blubayou

Depends- How would it affect your support for your family (job). Is there any way that your family can raise money to help your sister with the care of your mother or find a assisted living apt. that specializes in caring for people with your mother's condition? We have that in our town. There are also services that will come into the home and care for people in thier homes here. I would proceed very carefully. Talk with your wife at length and your siblings. I have faced a simular situation . Dont make any knee jerk decisions based on the emotions of the moment.

Originally Posted by tstew

If you are in a good place in terms of stability and having a good church (which I think is important for your family and will pay tremendous dividends in the future), how feasible would it be for your mother to move either in with you or close to you in one of the kinds of places discussed above.
From what you have said about your sister's situation, her house may not be the best place for your mother now anyway. If your sister is overwhelmed with a daughter having problems and if her son "is taking over the house", your mother may be better able to enjoy her twilight years elsewhere.
It appears that you may be better able to help without having to return to a place that you don't want to be in the first place and may not be the best place for your family.

Let me see if I can keep things straight here and answer both of these.

My sister has gotten help from a local group that specializes in these situations. As for money needed to help or money needed for her to get in home help that is not needed. Mom has an aide that come in to help her bathe and do her hair. She also helps her get ready in the morning to go to the adult center. This has been a great relief.
My wife and I have talked this over and she says that no matter what I decide that is fine with her.
As for my job, I can work from home so I could move and continue with my current job. That would be a plus.
As for my mom coming to live with us, NOT a chance. What had been happening was that she would live with my one sister for a while and then with the other sister and then with us. She moved between us during the year. We lived further south than the rest so it was winter with us. We would get her late fall and she would stay until early spring. Then it was to one of my sisters houses and then to the next. That worked for a while till she got to where she was having more problems doing that than she did staying in one place. So about 5 years ago she decided to stay in Ohio. She has visited us for two weeks a few years ago and then the following year we went to visit her for two weeks. Well now she just pretty much stays put. She does not want to travel. She does not want to leave the house a lot of times. They have to really push her to get her to go anywhere other than church.
She dealt with this when her mother got older. She has feared this day. She has asked my sister to not put her in a nursing home or assisted living unless she absolutely has to. Since her accident that broke her arm a couple months back she has gotten more frail it seems.
I simply feel useless not being there. I feel like there is something I should be doing and I am not. I have three brothers that live within 15 minutes and they do VERY LITTLE. I hate feeling this way.
We love our church. We love the people we go to church with. ALL of my boys have been filled with the Holy Ghost here. We share a vision with the pastor here. Something I can not say about anywhere else we have been.
I think what we are going to do is to plan for me to go back and spend a week here as soon as we can afford it. Stay with her and see how things are going and then go from there. If it looks like she could be out of a nursing home for 3 or more years and that going home would help to accomplish that then maybe so but if not then stay put and just go back to help out when ever possible through out the year. Of course to drive is a LONG time and to fly now is much more expensive.

Thanks for your thoughts folks. Your continued prayers would be greatly appreciated.

[jaxfam6]

Originally Posted by dansamy

What are your brothers doing to help?

VERY LITTLE gets on my last nerve. They are all older than me and if I say something it goes unheeded. I got all upset at them once for not helping out and they ignored me. The oldest wrote them all letters and they acted like they were going to start helping more but nothing came of that. Then when mom ended up in the hospital to have surgery they were there 24/7 and now that she is out they just barely stop by to check on things and then only after someone calls them.
The one brother lives about 2 1/2 hrs away and he helps more than the others. Also my sister that currently lives about the same distance away she goes and helps.

[jaxfam6]

Originally Posted by Jekyll

Wow, jax, we have experienced this same type of situation. We made the move and, of course, it has forever altered the lives of the people who remain. I understand choices you have to make.

Make your choices out of love (God's love) and not out of fear.

This I am trying to avoid

[dansamy]

Your one sister that is having so much going on in her life needs to call the brothers and sisters together for a meeting and lay it out. Someone else will need to care for Mom while she handles her own very full plate. And it ought to be one of those brothers who are currently doing diddly...

[jaxfam6]

Originally Posted by dansamy

Your one sister that is having so much going on in her life needs to call the brothers and sisters together for a meeting and lay it out. Someone else will need to care for Mom while she handles her own very full plate. And it ought to be one of those brothers who are currently doing diddly...

oddly enough that is how I feel and that is what my other sister has said also.

[jaxfam6]

I wanted to give an update on my mother. As I am sure you have all noticed I am still in AZ so I did not move back to Ohio. I had gone back in Oct to visit and give my sister a weeks break. During that time it became obvious to me that even if I moved back to help it would not be long and she will be in a home. I call and keep in touch and do what I can from here.
Today I talked with my sister about how mom is doing. She had some follow up appointments this past Thursday and wanted to find out what had been said then. Well the bone surgeon has released her. He said the bone in her arm is as good as it is going to get and that there is no reason to go and take the plate out. The neurosurgeon wants to see her again in June. Three months ago she still could not hold her wrist up even though she was starting to get some use in it. She can not hold the wrist up and move her fingers. She is zipping items and buttoning some buttons on some of her tops. They have taken her out of the splint and have her dusting furniture with her left hand as therapy.
She does not even remember the fall that caused the break. She does not remember trying to run around the church.
She does, however, know that she does NOT like to be told to get her bath or her hair washed. She will do it in her own time. Of course sometimes her time is not timely enough. =) When she is headed to bathroom she will turn around and shake her fist at my sister and mutter under breath.
Anyway, just wanted to give an update and thank you all for the prayers you sent up for her.

[Steve Epley]

Well you only have one Mom and if you don't go you will probably beat yourself to death for not going. If it is possible and probable I would go. I will be praying for you and your Mom.

[Margies3]

Jax, this is another example of how we are all so caught up in our own lives that we fail to remember that everyone around us is also going thru tough times. I know this is hard for you. I understand how you have to feel so torn every day about what you can or should be doing. I'm sure that your sister appreciates your "heart" in this.

My experience in working with Alzheimer's patients in the past in the nursing homes and then having been the primary caregiver for my friend for 4 years is that Alzheimer's people function MUCH better when their lives are not disrupted. They thrive on familiar. That includes familiar caregivers. They may not recognize these caregivers or even know their names. But they respond to them better than they do to a new person coming in. So, as hard as it is for your sister, the situation she is in is probably the best for your mom. Maybe the thing that you can do that will be the most help for your sister would be for you to offer her and her family as much support as you can possibly give her.

Some suggestions: (and take them all at face value. They're ONLY suggestions)

* You and your brothers could pay for an alarm system to be installed in your sister's home so that she could get a good night's sleep without having to worry about whether your mom is up and wandering out the door.

* Offer to pay for someone to come in at least once or twice a week in the evening so your sister can get out and do what SHE wants to do. You said she has someone during the day, right? I assume your sister is working a job and that's why she needs the daycare?

* Have your sister's kids come out to visit you and your family for a week or two. That in itself might give your sister a big break.

* Even if you don't do anything else, at the very least, send your sister flowers or candy or something every once in a while just to tell her how much you appreciate the sacrifice she is making to take such good care of Mom. Let her know that you are grateful. That in itself will go a long way.

You may not be able to do alot for your mom right now. But do what you can for your sister to make HER life easier. The more you do for your sister, the more your MOM will benefit

I'll be praying for you, brother. I understand. Really, I do. Alzheimer's a CRUEL disease.

[pelathais]

Originally Posted by jaxfam6

I have a mother with Alzheimer's. She has started having health issues. She lives with one of my sisters and now my sister is having some issues. She has a young daughter with problems and a son who is pretty much taking over the house.
I do not live close but I have several bothers who do. I have sister that lives out of state and she has been going to help out a few times a month.
I love our church. Love the area we live in except for the crime and the higher cost of living. I have been feeling torn between if I should try to move back to the area and help my sister or not.
Personally I do not like Ohio, lots of old nasty memories there. There is a good church and lots of people we know and love there though.
If you were faced with a similar situation what would you do?
Would you move back and be there to help? or would you stay put and go back once a year for a week or two to help then? or would you just stay put and not worry about things?

Just curious what a few others might do in this situation.

Please feel free to say. Honestly, I need some ideas.

=) thanks

There's no way I could possibly see into all of the issues, dilemmas and choices here. Do you have kids and spouse? You have to do what's best for them first, IMHO. Maybe move Mom back to your place, if that's an alternative or find a medicare accepting faclity nearby.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Bro.

[CC1]

Jaxfam,

A tough situation and I am praying for you. The harsh reality is that if your mother has Alzheimers and has had it already for awhile then it is inevitable that she is going to require full time nursing home care before long.

I am glad you did not relocate your family if everybody is happy where they are at. I kow it is a very tough situation for all and very hard on you being so far away and unable to do more. I think you going to visit and help out as often as you can is a good plan.

One of the things they say is important for Alzheimers patients is for continuity. They need a set routine and surroundings. Moving her from child to child would be very hard on her.

As far as the brothers who do not help do you think a family meeting with all of the brothers and sisters might help them see they are not pulliing their weight or would it just bend up making things worse?

My mom is a widow and I am an only child. My mom is in a nursing home 800 miles from where I live and I only get to see her every four to six weeks but that is a blessing. When I do I stay with her for many hours a day for the two to four days I get to be there. Even if it is just to be there while she sleeps. It is hard to leave her but the care she gets at this nursing home as a medicaid patient is wonderful I could not find as good a place closer to where I live. My mom had a stroke and is paralyzed on the left side, can't walk, can't talk, and is tube fed so she required a lot of care. I told her that if I moved her where I live I would only get to see her an hour or so a day and then the other 23 hours she would be at the mercy of her caregivers so I want them to be the best.

If your sister has not started checking out nursing homes she needs to even if you mom does not want to go to one. As the Alzheimers progresses it will be very difficult if not impossible to keep her at home.