From the Inbox

[Tina]

LOST:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
__________________________________________________ _________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________________________ _________


OLD FRIENDS:


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
__________________________________________________ _________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

Herman replied, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
__________________________________________________ _________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving ?"

[Tina]

Actions Speak Louder Than Words
This devotional was written by Jim Burns

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.—1 John 3:18

Your actions will speak much louder than any words you will ever say. When you call yourself a Christian you are opening your life up for inspection, and your life becomes an active witness for Jesus Christ. The positive news is that people will respond to your good deeds and thoughtful acts of caring. In fact, people will want to know more about the Savior you love, as your deeds prove to them that your faith is more walk than talk. Here's a story with an important message:

Shortly after World War II came to a close, Europe began picking up the pieces. Much of the Old Country had been ravaged by war and was in ruins. Perhaps the saddest sight of all was that of little orphaned children starving in the streets of those war-torn cities.

Early one chilly morning an American soldier was making his way back to the barracks in London. As he turned the corner in his jeep, he spotted a little lad with his nose pressed to the window of a pastry shop. Inside the cook was kneading dough for a fresh batch of doughnuts. The hungry boy stared in silence, watching every move. The soldier pulled his jeep to the curb, stopped, got out, and walked quietly over to where the little fellow was standing. Through the steamed-up window he could see the mouth-watering morsels as they were being pulled from the oven, piping hot. The boy salivated and released a slight groan as he watched the cook place them onto the glass-enclosed counter ever so carefully.

The soldier's heart went out to the nameless orphan as he stood beside him. "Son...would you like some of those?" The boy was startled.

"Oh, yeah...I would!"

The American stepped inside and bought a dozen, put them in a bag, and walked back to where the lad was standing in the foggy cold of the London morning. He smiled, held out the bag, and said simply: "Here you are." As he turned to walk away he felt a tug on his coat. He looked back and heard the child ask quietly:

"Mister. . . are you God?"

We are never more like God than when we give.

"God so loved the world, that He gave. . ." *

[Tina]

Cheap redneck Home security system:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots size 14-16 (used).

2. Place them on front porch, along with a copy of Gun and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hay Bubba,
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and me gone for more ammunition; wel be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all of the dogs in the house. Better just wait outside til we can get back."

[Truthseeker]

Good ole boys. By Equal
Two good ole boys in a Dixie County, Florida
trailer park were sitting around talking one
afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the 1st
guy says to 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your
trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you
was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us kin?"



The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute
scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking
real hard about the question. Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

[scotty]

Post 141 !!!

ROFL !!!!



Gonna be us one day

[Tina]

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:



*If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.



*If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.



*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.



*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,

stay on the line so we can trace your call.



*If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.



*If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will Tell you which number to press.



*If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.



*If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.



*If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the Beep.



*If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.



*If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.



*If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.



*If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.



*If you are blonde, don't press any buttons,you'll just mess it up.



This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.



Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

[AmazingGrace]

I know you did NOT just call all of us unstable??!?!?!?

[Tina]

Originally Posted by AmazingGrace

I know you did NOT just call all of us unstable??!?!?!?

I couldn't resist. My sister sent it to me...

[AmazingGrace]

Originally Posted by Tina

I couldn't resist. My sister sent it to me...

Too funny!

[Tina]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside,
still In their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard.



The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the
house, and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp
had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In
the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.



He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles
of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or
that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle
of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside
he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared
over the mirror and walls.


As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in
the bed In her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."