Joke Thread - Page 10

jwharv · #91 08-04-2007, 01:16 AM

What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question? Asked the librarian “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M..!” the librarian said, “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in? The man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

mizpeh · #92 08-05-2007, 08:53 PM

Saint Peter was giving a tour of Heaven to recent arrivals; speaking loudly and robustly he introduced them all the mansions on streets of gold.

But, near the end of one certain street he halted the group, and speaking softly in a low voice, he cautioned them.

"You will have to be very quite and tiptoe past the next mansion," he said.

"Why?" asked a member of the group.

"Well," Peter responded, "that mansion is occupied by members of the United Pentecostal Church, and they believe that they're the only ones up here."

mizpeh · #93 08-05-2007, 09:01 PM

There was a lil boy who had a dog and she had puppies..Not knowing what to do with them all the mother suggested that the boy place the puppies in a box and make a sign that said "free puppies"and put them out in the front yard and try to give them away as people walked by.

There was a elderly man who walked by one day and he noticed the sign "free puppies"so He stopped and asked the boy.."Son what kind of puppies are these"The lil boy said..I dunno..I guess they are baptist..the elderly man went on his way..about a week later and a few puppies left..the same elderly man came by and asked the lil boy"Did you ever figure out what kind of puppies they are?"The lil boy replied..yes..They are Pentecostal Puppies..the elderly man was somewhat suprised.."I thought you said they were baptist puppies?" The lil boy said..no..they are Pentecostal...their eyes have been opened

jwharv · #94 08-06-2007, 01:05 AM

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.

Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude and grabs his 8-iron proceeding down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number of years.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Better throw me my 7-iron! Something tells me I won't be getting out of here with an 8-iron."

jwharv · #95 08-06-2007, 01:11 AM

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

jwharv · #96 08-07-2007, 01:39 AM

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

HADDOCK · #97 08-07-2007, 03:01 PM

It's so dry in West Tennessee that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

Now THAT's Dry!

jwharv · #98 08-08-2007, 01:01 AM

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas."

jwharv · #99 08-09-2007, 12:43 AM

A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.

jwharv · #**100** 08-13-2007, 01:05 AM

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN...

* The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
* The local phone book has only one yellow page.
* Third Street is on the edge of town.
* You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
* You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
* No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
* You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
* Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.