You found your spouse looking at porn..again...

[andrea238]

I just would like some feedback and opinion on what do you do if you find your spouse looking at graphic pornography on the internet more than once. Thanks for all the input.

[Digging4Truth]

Pray....

Talk...

And pray more.

An attack scenario is not the answer.
Blowing up is not the answer.

Finding a time where the two of you can civilly talk to one another about the issues involved or a third party that does not know the couple might be best.

The thing is that it is going to take prayer for there to be a change.
It is going to take prayer for their to be civil conversation.
It is going to take prayer to work through this in the marriage and get past it.

[crakjak]

Originally Posted by andrea238

I just would like some feedback and opinion on what do you do if you find your spouse looking at graphic pornography on the internet more than once. Thanks for all the input.

Wise counseling is probably the best route, overaction is the most common and damaging response. Do not cast the spouse aside as some evil person, this is one of most powerful arguments against having the internet in our houses.

However, if handled carefully and lovingly it is an opportunity for one with the propensity for porn addiction to find forgiveness, understanding and healing. Which should be the best and desired end.

We live in a broken and fallen world, mature and Godly relationships require hard work, some folks lack the foundation to build on, and therefore default to carnal and fleshly fulfillment. Self stimulation thru porn is the easy default from the hard work of a fulfilling and satisfing relationship with one's spouse. Usually there is baggage on both sides to make it difficult, this does not make the other spouse responsible, it is simply a fact.

If both are not willing or able to do the foundation building, the result is further brokeness, guilt and shame.

[Digging4Truth]

Originally Posted by crakjak

Wise counseling is probably the best route, overaction is the most common and damaging response. Do not cast the spouse aside as some evil person, this is one of most powerful arguments against having the internet in our houses.

However, if handled carefully and lovingly it is an opportunity for one with the propensity for porn addiction to find forgiveness, understanding and healing. Which should be the best and desired end.

We live in a broken and fallen world, mature and Godly relationships require hard work, some folks lack the foundation to build on, and therefore default to carnal and fleshly fulfillment. Self stimulation thru porn is the easy default from the hard work of a fulfilling and satisfing relationship with one's spouse. Usually there is baggage on both sides to make it difficult, this does not make the other spouse responsible, it is simply a fact.

If both are not willing or able to do the foundation building, the result is further brokeness, guilt and shame.

Indeed...

That brings the following scripture to mind.

Gal 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

[Aquila]

I think all you can really do is pray for him. He's probably a good man, just has a struggle with this issue. Don't broadcast this sin and assassinate his character. Find a counselor that you can talk to. Invite him to counseling too. Ultimately we have to realize that there's little we can truly do but pray when others are making certain choices.

[Withdrawn]

Originally Posted by Aquila

I think all you can really do is pray for him. He's probably a good man, just has a struggle with this issue. Don't broadcast this sin and assassinate his character. Find a counselor that you can talk to. Invite him to counseling too. Ultimately we have to realize that there's little we can truly do but pray when others are making certain choices.

Maybe so, but is this something that can be considered so casually? Jesus said that if a man would even LOOK on another woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery. Why would pornography NOT be considered adultery, according to the Lord's standard?

I believe this should be dealt with just like if the man were actually having a sexual relationship with another woman - because in his heart he has. There can be forgiveness and healing and restoration, but the heart needs to be changed first, and there needs to be a commitment to faithfulness that includes making a covenant with his eyes. This is just as much marital infidelity as an actual affair (IMO).

[Michael The Disciple]

Pornography is from the Greek word "porneia" I believe. The same as our English word "fornication".

[Aquila]

Originally Posted by jaamez

Maybe so, but is this something that can be considered so casually? Jesus said that if a man would even LOOK on another woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery. Why would pornography NOT be considered adultery, according to the Lord's standard?

I believe this should be dealt with just like if the man were actually having a sexual relationship with another woman - because in his heart he has. There can be forgiveness and healing and restoration, but the heart needs to be changed first, and there needs to be a commitment to faithfulness that includes making a covenant with his eyes. This is just as much marital infidelity as an actual affair (IMO).

I think you bring up an excellent question.

I think we are creatures prone to extremes. In our minds things are black and white without any consideration of nuance or perspective. I don't think that looking at pornography automatically equals "lust". Here's why...

A man can look at pornography for many different reasons. Sometimes it's grounded in deep feelings of insecurity and feelings of rejection from his wife or even the opposite sex. Pornography affords him a world where he's in control, he's desired, and he's never rejected. It becomes an escape into a world of safety where he feels like a "real man" (for lack of a better term). Most men who I've known who viewed pornography for this reason would NEVER cheat on their wives. (Interestingly in many of this cases the woman rules the roost.) In fact many have had women come on to them and quickly set the woman straight. No desire to cheat was in the heart. The pornography was something relating more to ego than lust.

Also, a man can use pornography the way some men use alcohol to numb pain. The dopamine released in the brain approaching and after orgasm is like taking a hit off a joint. It's affect on the frontal cortex and other areas of the brain brings a sense of euphoria and release. Once that's accomplished the brain is "buzzed" and the male will be less focused on emotional issues that he's facing. I talked to a minister who fell into pornography. His wife discovered him and demanded that he seek some counseling. They opened up to me about this issue so that I could give them some advice and pray for them. You see, a few weeks prior to this his mother died. He was an only child. The only time he had used pornography was during his early adolescence. (Typical boy stuff, yes, boys like Playboy. Go figure.) This wasn't like him. He's a good man and a faithful husband and minister. He was shattered, his wife was shattered, and he was terrified he was going to Hell. The Lord impressed upon me that he had unfinished business with his mother. He was regressing into his childhood because it gave him a sense of her nearness. The Lord impressed upon me to have him visit her grave and "talk" to her. He was to open up everything he needed to tell her that he never got to say. He opened up that he wanted to apologize for being too busy with church business to visit her regularly as her health declined. He wept like a baby that day as we talked. Interestingly, after he got some of these things off his chest he didn't feel the need for pornography. It numbed the pain. Not only was it a psychological throwback to his childhood when his mother was around, but during those times of ogling pornography he's mind was disengaged from his problems and focused on something beautiful. For him...it was the same as alcohol. It wasn't lust. He loves his wife.

Then you have normal human interest. Men are sexually interested in women. Hey, let's not bash it...too many of our kids are becoming gay already. A young man can find that he's attracted to a girl or a picture of a girl, think about being with her and how wonderful it would be and it not be "lust". It's just interest. In reality he'd be petrified if the girl asked him on a date. In the Song of Solomon we have a young lady lying in bed fantasizing about the man she wants to marry. The reality here is that they are not married. And Scripture doesn't view it as a sin...it's normal. It's not lust...it's attraction. Point is, fantasy isn't always lust.

Also you have situations where a spouse is grotesquely overweight, sick, or regularly denies her husband sexual gratification. He will find a way to meet his needs. He might turn to drinking, he might become focused on his work (even ministry in some cases), he might become obsessed with a hobby (his car for example), or yes...he might even turn to pornography.

So, what is "lust"?

Lust, in my opinion, is when a man looks upon a woman and actually desires to pursue her and make her an object of his pleasure. Looking at a picture of a woman and admiring her beauty isn't the same as spotting a woman at a bar or restaurant, deciding to pursue her, drumming up conversation, getting her number, and calling her for a hook up later.

I believe that Jesus was talking about "lust". For example, when a man is out of town on business and goes to a restaurant and sees a pretty woman he might "think" about her. He might even have a fantasy. None of that is lust. The moment he decides that he's going to get up from his seat, walk over to her and introduce himself to see if she's doing anything later..."lust" was conceived. Now his heart is in pursuit of his prey.

If we treated every occasion where a man had a fantasy, looked at a woman or picture with a sexual thought, or even glanced at a pornographic image... like it was adultery...we'd all be divorced.

[Aquila]

The subject is far more complicated than just a man lusting after a women.

[Michael The Disciple]

Originally Posted by Aquila

I think you bring up an excellent question.

I think we are creatures prone to extremes. In our minds things are black and white without any consideration of nuance or perspective. I don't think that looking at pornography automatically equals "lust". Here's why...

A man can look at pornography for many different reasons. Sometimes it's grounded in deep feelings of insecurity and feelings of rejection from his wife or even the opposite sex. Pornography affords him a world where he's in control, he's desired, and he's never rejected. It becomes an escape into a world of safety where he feels like a "real man" (for lack of a better term). Most men who I've known who viewed pornography for this reason would NEVER cheat on their wives. (Interestingly in many of this cases the woman rules the roost.) In fact many have had women come on to them and quickly set the woman straight. No desire to cheat was in the heart. The pornography was something relating more to ego than lust.

Also, a man can use pornography the way some men use alcohol to numb pain. The dopamine released in the brain approaching and after orgasm is like taking a hit off a joint. It's affect on the frontal cortex and other areas of the brain brings a sense of euphoria and release. Once that's accomplished the brain is "buzzed" and the male will be less focused on emotional issues that he's facing. I talked to a minister who fell into pornography. His wife discovered him and demanded that he seek some counseling. They opened up to me about this issue so that I could give them some advice and pray for them. You see, a few weeks prior to this his mother died. He was an only child. The only time he had used pornography was during his early adolescence. (Typical boy stuff, yes, boys like Playboy. Go figure.) This wasn't like him. He's a good man and a faithful husband and minister. He was shattered, his wife was shattered, and he was terrified he was going to Hell. The Lord impressed upon me that he had unfinished business with his mother. He was regressing into his childhood because it gave him a sense of her nearness. The Lord impressed upon me to have him visit her grave and "talk" to her. He was to open up everything he needed to tell her that he never got to say. He opened up that he wanted to apologize for being too busy with church business to visit her regularly as her health declined. He wept like a baby that day as we talked. Interestingly, after he got some of these things off his chest he didn't feel the need for pornography. It numbed the pain. Not only was it a psychological throwback to his childhood when his mother was around, but during those times of ogling pornography he's mind was disengaged from his problems and focused on something beautiful. For him...it was the same as alcohol. It wasn't lust. He loves his wife.

Then you have normal human interest. Men are sexually interested in women. Hey, let's not bash it...too many of our kids are becoming gay already. A young man can find that he's attracted to a girl or a picture of a girl, think about being with her and how wonderful it would be and it not be "lust". It's just interest. In reality he'd be petrified if the girl asked him on a date. In the Song of Solomon we have a young lady lying in bed fantasizing about the man she wants to marry. The reality here is that they are not married. And Scripture doesn't view it as a sin...it's normal. It's not lust...it's attraction. Point is, fantasy isn't always lust.

Also you have situations where a spouse is grotesquely overweight, sick, or regularly denies her husband sexual gratification. He will find a way to meet his needs. He might turn to drinking, he might become focused on his work (even ministry in some cases), he might become obsessed with a hobby (his car for example), or yes...he might even turn to pornography.

So, what is "lust"?

Lust, in my opinion, is when a man looks upon a woman and actually desires to pursue her and make her an object of his pleasure. Looking at a picture of a woman and admiring her beauty isn't the same as spotting a woman at a bar or restaurant, deciding to pursue her, drumming up conversation, getting her number, and calling her for a hook up later.

I believe that Jesus was talking about "lust". For example, when a man is out of town on business and goes to a restaurant and sees a pretty woman he might "think" about her. He might even have a fantasy. None of that is lust. The moment he decides that he's going to get up from his seat, walk over to her and introduce himself to see if she's doing anything later..."lust" was conceived. Now his heart is in pursuit of his prey.

If we treated every occasion where a man had a fantasy, looked at a woman or picture with a sexual thought, or even glanced at a pornographic image... like it was adultery...we'd all be divorced.

Hey you must be kidding. Porn is fornication. It is sin not something casual. To even THINK upon a woman with DESIRE/LUST is a sin.

Im sure the man or women who the spouse is married to are very hurt and offended.

Im also sure the Lords anger can wax hot about it. He said better to pluck your eye out and enter Heaven with one than having 2 to be cast into Gehenna fire.

If one thinks they are a Christian and they are right with God while doing it they have deceived themselves.