To tell or not to tell an adopted child

Mosby48 · #1 10-27-2007, 10:30 PM

If you had an adopted child, would you tell them what you know about their birth parents? If so, at what stage of their lives? (I realize some adopting parents don't know much about the birth parents but let's assume you do.)

#2 10-27-2007, 10:37 PM

IF I had one, I would want to tell them at some point... it would need to be after they are old enough to comprehend what you are telling them, but before they are old enough to say, "Why haven't you told me this before?"

Just for medical reasons alone, I believe an adopted child should have the right to know whether the people believed to be his/her parents are actually his/her parents.

I would also throw in the line that you specifically chose them to be your child, where biological relationships are a game of chance... (or however you wanted to word it).

pelathais · #3 10-27-2007, 10:38 PM

It depends upon the circumstances. Some things can cause bitterness in a child and would probably be best left for later when they are old enough to process things.

I do not think that it is a good idea to hide the truth from the child(ren) especially as they come of age. Adopted children are special in that they are "chosen" by their adoptive parents. The rest of us just kind of showed up in the stork's basket and our parents had to take us whether we were planned or not.

AmazingGrace · #4 10-27-2007, 11:15 PM

As an adopted child I can just tell you that all of them I have ever known (thats a lot too) that it has been kept from for any amount of time were more bitter at their adoptive parents for not telling them sooner. I think young is better personally and everyone I have ever delt with agrees. This may not be the thing for everyone but there is usually no reason not to tell...

Yes sometimes the circumstances can be bad... you dont have to tell them that anyways! All that needs to be said is... they did what they felt was best for you! Its an always heard answer and it is almost always the truth! Mine was the worst of circumstances yet I was told this my entire life... I grew up with absolutely not hate towards my bio mom whatsoever! I hurt yes! Who doesnt but I did not hate her ... I had a lot of questions but no hate.

I was fortunate enough to meet my biological mother and many of my siblings a couple of years ago and I wouldnt trade them OR my real parents for anything!

All that to say.... I was told the first time the day I was brought home from the hospital and until the day I could understand,,,, Then it was explained... I was maybe 6.

NEVER keep what you know about their parents from them... the minute you feel they are old enough to understand tell them! If you know who and where and why tell them! Keeping these things will kill them on the inside. The hardest part was when I found out my cousin was the nurse who delivered me and knew everything and kept it from me all those years... I think I hated her more than the fact that I was adopted!

Sister Alvear · #5 10-28-2007, 12:42 AM

We told our adopted ones from the very beginning and I personally think it is best...I know many factors are involved and many have different opinions. I love my adopted ones just as much as I love Raul Jr and feel no difference in my heart between them and Raul Jr.

Sister Alvear · #6 10-28-2007, 12:43 AM

Please go to Sister Alvear's picture thread and you can see our children...in the missions section.

Trouvere · #7 10-28-2007, 08:36 AM

Sister Alvear is awesome.Take her advice.Its a good thing.I know of some who were not told but were told later and had to rebuild their who
foundation of who they were.Its not good to not be honest.My aunt and
uncle always told my cousin as soon as he could understand that they did
not just have him but choose him to be their son.He was no accident but
on purpose they decided to share their lives with a child.There is a loving and
awesome way to let a child know they are just what you always wanted.

#8 10-28-2007, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mosby48

If you had an adopted child, would you tell them what you know about their birth parents? If so, at what stage of their lives? (I realize some adopting parents don't know much about the birth parents but let's assume you do.)

I would say until you been there your not likely to know...you can guess as to what you might say or do...but you can not know for sure..

Adoption is a complicated issue, and not cut and dry simple....it all depends on the situation. It is my belief that we all have a right to know about our history good or bad.

NightOwl · #9 10-28-2007, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mosby48

If you had an adopted child, would you tell them what you know about their birth parents? If so, at what stage of their lives? (I realize some adopting parents don't know much about the birth parents but let's assume you do.)

not sure what I would do, but my husbands sister let her daughter know she was adopted about the time she started school then let her know more as she got older

had a friend in Ga her 4 year old would tell people she had 2 moms a birth mom and a real mom.

I think it would be good to let them know as they are ready

Margies3 · #10 10-28-2007, 01:58 PM

Both of our sons are adopted.

We got Justin at age 3 1/2 and Keith at 17 months (they are not biological), so they have both known from the very beginning that they are adopted.

We've told them both that the reason we have them instead of their birth parents is because, while their birth parents loved them deeply, neither of them were in a place in their lives where they could be the kinds of parents that babies deserve to have. We've made it absolutely clear that the birth parents were not bad people. I truly do not believe that any of them are. They were simply too young, too immature, too troubled.........

We've also let them know that we have alot more information on both sets of birth parents for them. And that when we believe that they are in a place in their lives where they are mature enough to handle it, we will be happy to share that information with them. In the meantime, we've asked them to trust us enough to know that we only want what is in their best interest. Justin will be 18 in December and graduates high school in June of 2008. At that time, we will help him make contact with his birth mother. Keith sees his biological grandmother and his biological half-brother once a year already. He never asks about his birth mother, but we will help him to meet her when he is older as well.