Dear Rhoni

[whollyHis]

*SIGH*

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by sis.m

Rhoni:

This is really off the topic of what's being said here but I would really like your opinion. A family in my community has recently came to me and asked me if I would help them with their children. The mom and dad have been separated for about 2 years and the mom and the 2 girls, ages 8 and 10 live with their mom at the grandparents house. As far as I can see these little girls are being catered to because of the lack of the dad, whom they very rarely see or hear from. The grandparents do try to maintain some sort of discipline but I think the mom really caves in to their demands. I've been there, I was a single parent, and I know all the pitfalls. I gently tried to tell the mom that the children need discipline, by telling her my situation. I don't want to lose her trust by scaring her off. She needs a friend, and I've walked the road she's walking. Should I be upfront her right off, and would you suggest that I wait until I win her friendship? She is a beautiful person who once attended a denominational church but got hurt. Her children are in our Sunday School and she has started attending on Sunday mornings as well.


---and, by the way, every time these children visit friends, go shopping, etc, they really act up when they come home. Their mom takes time to take them out for fun days, and the more she does, the worse they act. She threatens not to take them again, of course, but usuallly gives in. You would think after they had some time doing things they enjoy that they would be more cooperative, but it's just the opposite.

Do you have any ideas on how I can be a help?

Sis. M,

Sounds like you already know the answer to this question. You need to trust yourself when God puts something in your spirit. Actually this was the next portion of the study of developing an effective counseling ministry: How to begin a therapeutic relationship:

As a friend, counselor you must begin by 'joining' with the client. It can take one session, or several before one begins to trust a counselor, or even establishing a friendship. Sounds to me like you would rather be a friend who is able to encourage and add insight to this woman's situation.

"Speaking the truth in love/a Biblical principle" can only be done through 'relationship'. Take the time to get to know her, do things with her, and establish a friendship before trying to help or fix anything for her. In counseling you do not really offer advice but lead people by questioning to come to their own decision. Spending time with her and just having normal conversation will bring up parenting concerns.

When she begins sharing concerns, some of the questions you might ask her would be: "It sounds like you are frustrated being a single parent, is this accurate? Then she might say, "Yes, how do you know?" Then you might say, "Well, I was a single parent myself and sometimes I felt guilty for the divorce happening, even though it was not all my fault" Then you could ask her if she felt that way and found herself, as you did...letting the kids get away with things they wouldn't normally get away with...You have a great open door to share your experiences and letting her share her experiences with you...

Relationship is the key! Then guiding the individual to share and decide things for herself as you have shared your wisdom with her. Let her ask you!

I hope this helps. I think that you will be an excellent help to this woman, and she is blessed to have you.

Blessings, Rhoni

[rrford]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

Privacy and Confidentiality:

This is a very crucial part of Christian/church counseling. You cannot or will not have a successful counseling ministry unless you commit yourself to guarding the rights of those you counsel. They have to feel safe to expose the things that are truly bothering them. Of course there are a few ethical reasons, by the HIPPA laws and standards which we all must abide by, duty to report , if you know of child or elderly abuse, if you have knowledge that the person will harm themself [suicide] or has intention of harming someone else [homicide].

I know of a Pastor who frequently used situations from his counseling as illustrations in his sermons. He never truly understood why people stopped coming to him for counseling. Once word gets out that you are not RIGID/STRICT in your boundaries of "keeping your mouth shut" for lack of a better phrase...your counseling days are over before they have begun.

Personal Experience: When I was in need of marital counseling as we were were Pastoring...I refused to go to the presbyter, or the District Superintendent in our District because of how they handled our church issues. Every time a saint got upset over something they would call a member of the District Board who would set up a business meeting and come in and tell the church to be patient with us, we were so young. Then they would go and tell everyone in the District all our business, some of it true and some of it false...

So, naturally I would never feel SAFE to go to other ministers in our District. There was no confidentiality exercized at all, and even if they exercized some discretion...their wives would tell friends who would tell friends...and you know the rest of the story...

I will reiterate...confidentiality is a must if you are to have and develope an effective counseling ministry within your church.

Ahh, another bash the preacher as less than a good counsellor post. Typical and consistent. Reckon that counts for something in counselling.

[rrford]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

The Setting for Counseling a Person in your church:

Pastors have studies, and Christian counselors have offices within the church that are private, some even with private entrances. Whenever possible this is preferable to counseling in your home. When you are in your home, you can't leave. Many times the couple feels comfortable and not concious of the time and infringe on your kindness. The several hours session could have been condensed to 30-50 minutes in a more professional setting.

My personal experience: I have been in the middle of counseling a couple in a Sunday School room because there is no office space in the church and am interrupted 2-3 times by people. There were signs on the door: Do not disturb, and people with keys open the door anyway. There is no confidentiality because now the person entering has seen the face of the people there, and the people have been embarrassed and interrupted and the flow of the session has stopped.

If a separate office for a counselor cannot be provided then your church is not big enough or ready for a counseling ministry.

Incredible! If you cannot provide an office for a counsellor, regardless of how much you may NEED it, you are not ready for it. Sounds like true desire for ministry to me. Give me an office...

[SDG]

Many ministers have no business counseling ...

[rrford]

Originally Posted by Daniel Alicea

Many ministers have no business counseling ...

Many counsellors have no business ministering...


A true minister counsels by his nature. (Not speaking of "professional" counselling.)

[SDG]

Originally Posted by rrford

Many counsellors have no business ministering...


A true minister counsels by his nature. (Not speaking of "professional" counselling.)

A true minister serves.

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Originally Posted by rrford

Ahh, another bash the preacher as less than a good counsellor post. Typical and consistent. Reckon that counts for something in counselling.

Originally Posted by rrford

Incredible! If you cannot privde an office for a counsellor, regardless of how much you may NEED it, you are not ready for it. Sounds like true desire for ministry to me. Give me an office...

Originally Posted by rrford

Many counsellors have no business ministering...


A true minister counsels by his nature. (Not speaking of "professional" counselling.)

[rrford]

Originally Posted by Daniel Alicea

A true minister serves.

Indeed. And at times such service is in the nature of counselling.

[SDG]

Originally Posted by rrford

Indeed. And at times such service is in the nature of counselling.

If it is his gift.