We got Justin at age 3 1/2 and Keith at 17 months (they are not biological), so they have both known from the very beginning that they are adopted.
We've told them both that the reason we have them instead of their birth parents is because, while their birth parents loved them deeply, neither of them were in a place in their lives where they could be the kinds of parents that babies deserve to have. We've made it absolutely clear that the birth parents were not bad people. I truly do not believe that any of them are. They were simply too young, too immature, too troubled.........
We've also let them know that we have alot more information on both sets of birth parents for them. And that when we believe that they are in a place in their lives where they are mature enough to handle it, we will be happy to share that information with them. In the meantime, we've asked them to trust us enough to know that we only want what is in their best interest. Justin will be 18 in December and graduates high school in June of 2008. At that time, we will help him make contact with his birth mother. Keith sees his biological grandmother and his biological half-brother once a year already. He never asks about his birth mother, but we will help him to meet her when he is older as well.
In my opinion....this is what makes a successful adoption .....parents who realize the special circumstances for an adopted child...when adoptive parents are over protective and jealous of the birth parents it causes such pain for the child, who is innocent in the whole thing. I think that in many cases open adoption helps everyone...as long as the birth parents realize that the adoptive parents are just that the parents...I am hoping that adoption will become the first choice for young women and NOT abortion! I just hate abortion and what it has caused...the women who started all that, who has now changed her mind...wonder how she sleeps at night knowing what has happened because of her actions! She if fighting for the other side now, but the damage that has been done....oh my heart aches for all those babies....
Although I do not have personal experience with adoption, I have had several friends that have adopted children. I do think the earlier the better. The best case scenario is - begin to talk about the child as a special gift to your family that was given by a loving bio parent from the time the child is a part of your family. If it is talked about from the beginning- then you do not have to decide when to tell them and you do not have to worry about how or who tells them.
For instance, I have a cousin who is now 19 yrs old. His mom was pregnant with him when she married my uncle. She was at a bar and had a one-night stand. She has no idea who the guy was.
Matthew has never been told that he has a different father than my uncle. Him and his sister, who's father is my uncle, look alike, so he's never wondered.
In my opinion, in this instance, it would be more damaging to tell him that his father is unknown. There is no way to find out who he is, and for me, the suspense would kill me, wondering for eternity.
In most cases, however, I agree that telling them from the beginning that they are adopted, so there are no surprises later. In addition, tell the siblings that the one child is adopted too. I know a woman from my former church who never told her other children that her 'first-born' wasn't her's. They were teens when they found out and were devastated. They felt robbed in some way.
I think adopting kids is giving them such a wonderful opportunity to have a life they probably wouldn't have had otherwise. It's a great thing.
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I've gone and done it now! I'm on Facebook!!!
If you had an adopted child, would you tell them what you know about their birth parents? If so, at what stage of their lives? (I realize some adopting parents don't know much about the birth parents but let's assume you do.)
It would depend on the type of adoption, etc. But generally I think it is better to tell at a younger age so they know about it as soon as possible and to know that they were CHOSEN. That can be pretty special.
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Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it. ~Chinese Proverb
When I was young and clever, I wanted to change the world. Now that I am older and wiser, I strive to change myself. ~
Another thing I think is very important is for the birthparents... even if you have no intentions of meeting the child ever... tell your other family... just in case... my biological parents never told a soul.... Therefore it didnt set too well with my siblings at first... they were ummmm shocked to say the least!
For instance, I have a cousin who is now 19 yrs old. His mom was pregnant with him when she married my uncle. She was at a bar and had a one-night stand. She has no idea who the guy was.
Matthew has never been told that he has a different father than my uncle. Him and his sister, who's father is my uncle, look alike, so he's never wondered.
In my opinion, in this instance, it would be more damaging to tell him that his father is unknown. There is no way to find out who he is, and for me, the suspense would kill me, wondering for eternity.
In most cases, however, I agree that telling them from the beginning that they are adopted, so there are no surprises later. In addition, tell the siblings that the one child is adopted too. I know a woman from my former church who never told her other children that her 'first-born' wasn't her's. They were teens when they found out and were devastated. They felt robbed in some way.
I think adopting kids is giving them such a wonderful opportunity to have a life they probably wouldn't have had otherwise. It's a great thing.
I have a friend from high school that had a daughter before marriage and then never told her that her Dad wasn't her real Dad. Somehow she found out from someone else!! I heard it was terrible.
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Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it. ~Chinese Proverb
When I was young and clever, I wanted to change the world. Now that I am older and wiser, I strive to change myself. ~
My Dad has never known who his real Dad is although he always knew he didn't know. It never bothered him before but now that he is older he would like to know some things for medical reasons.
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Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it. ~Chinese Proverb
When I was young and clever, I wanted to change the world. Now that I am older and wiser, I strive to change myself. ~
I've always felt that it was important for our boys to know right from the beginning that they were adopted.
Every one of us is a unique and special individual. Part of what makes us unique and special are the backgrounds we come from, the environments we are raised in and the people who've loved us along the way.
So, in my opinion, my children's adoptions are just another part of what makes them unique and special. Since that is all part of who they are, they have a right to know who they are from the very beginning.
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Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of a battle ! ! ! !
In my opinion....this is what makes a successful adoption .....parents who realize the special circumstances for an adopted child...when adoptive parents are over protective and jealous of the birth parents it causes such pain for the child, who is innocent in the whole thing. I think that in many cases open adoption helps everyone...as long as the birth parents realize that the adoptive parents are just that the parents...I am hoping that adoption will become the first choice for young women and NOT abortion! I just hate abortion and what it has caused...the women who started all that, who has now changed her mind...wonder how she sleeps at night knowing what has happened because of her actions! She if fighting for the other side now, but the damage that has been done....oh my heart aches for all those babies....
Sis TS, you've hit on a very important point!!!
I've told both of our boys several times over the years that one of the things that has convinced me that their birth mothers are loving women who cared about their babies is the fact that they did not choose abortion. Both could have done that. But they didn't. They made the much harder decision to give birth to their baby and then allow someone else to be their parents.
Our oldest son's birth mother had been pregnant 7 times by the time our son was 6 years old. He was her firstborn. She lost him at 3 months, got him back at 8 months and lost him again at 9 months. She finally had her parental rights severed at 3 years of age. She had a daughter by the time Justin was 1 year old. Then the day before she lost parental rights for him, she had an abortion. She then gave birth to two more boys (who she kept), then she lost a baby boy (at 5 months in her pregnancy) and finally gave birth to a baby girl who she gave up for adoption before she was even born.
This was a confused, messed up young lady who had had a very rough time growing up. No, I don't agree with anything she did. But I don't see her as an ogre or a devil child. I see her as a young lady in tremendous need of someone to love and guide her and most of all, in need of a Savior.
And I am sooooooooooo thankful that the child she gave birth to will not need to follow that same pattern that she was following. The cycle can be stopped NOW. And who knows, maybe one day Justin will be the one who leads his birth mother to the Lord.
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Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of a battle ! ! ! !
For instance, I have a cousin who is now 19 yrs old. His mom was pregnant with him when she married my uncle. She was at a bar and had a one-night stand. She has no idea who the guy was.
Matthew has never been told that he has a different father than my uncle. Him and his sister, who's father is my uncle, look alike, so he's never wondered.
In my opinion, in this instance, it would be more damaging to tell him that his father is unknown. There is no way to find out who he is, and for me, the suspense would kill me, wondering for eternity.
In most cases, however, I agree that telling them from the beginning that they are adopted, so there are no surprises later. In addition, tell the siblings that the one child is adopted too. I know a woman from my former church who never told her other children that her 'first-born' wasn't her's. They were teens when they found out and were devastated. They felt robbed in some way.
I think adopting kids is giving them such a wonderful opportunity to have a life they probably wouldn't have had otherwise. It's a great thing.
Never would the child need to know the terrible details, but the truth as to his biolgy is important...if this child should find out by accident...what pain that would cause and they would probably never trust their partents again...if you know the truth then others do and some day it might slip out!
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