just in need of some different opinions and advice

[192281]

Hello All.
Im know it’s funny that Im coming to a Forum to get advice. Believe me I have already had counsel with a few elders of my church and also a mentor of mine. Im just coming to get some opinions from people who do not personally know me and have no bias.

I have been in the UPC for about 10 years and have had a great 10 years. I feel my church has taught me many amazing things. In the last 3 years I have questioned a lot of the standards that are required in order to be a member or in leadership of the church and some things many of my church family consider to be heaven/hell issues.

I have studied scripture for the past two years and have prayed and fasted over the questions I have had and know exactly where I stand on what we as UPC consider "Holiness Standards". I respect those who have personal convictions about hair, makeup, and pants, short, beards...and whatever else you can think of but I dont see them as heaven or hell issues. I didnt come to this out of rebellion or anger..As a MAN the standards really dont apply as much to me so there isn’t much for me to get rebellious about. : )

I started questioning things because I just couldn’t see it in scripture and I couldn’t imagine asking my future wife(now married) or daughters (if I ever have them) to do these things. My problem is that I attend a UPC church and I am in leadership so I feel it’s important to do as my church ask, However, I dont really want to represent what they require anymore. I dont want to ask visitors to come and tell them there is no need to change what they wear but then in 4 months they want to sing my pastor tells them NO because they are wearing pants(women) or has a beard (man). I also knwo we say let them get it for themselves but I also am aware (because I was there) that if a change hasnt taken place in a few months we start to wonder if they even got the HG. Im tired of people praying people to salvation just because they see cut hair. I feel like a hypocrite asking people to hold up to certain standards but then a law that was written one line down we completely ignore...It’s hard for me to thigns like:

Wearing pants to bed and to the gym but we say its a sin so dont put them on to go to nordstroms...are you serious!!! SIN IS SIN..in the house or in the public.

So the question:
My wife and I both completely agree and are on the same level but she doesn’t want to leave because it’s what she knows and has always done. She is scared her family will be angry and she is scared to leave tradition. Like I told her even if we leave she can 100% hold every "holiness standard" she always has but this will give us the opportunity to be honest with people and up front with what we believe and it correlate with our pastor. We are at a crossroads..I want to look for a different church and she doesn’t due to tradition. As a man and husband what do I do? I have stayed for a year and want to make my wife happy but it’s hard on me. If she said I 100% think these are heaven/hell issues then I might even respect us staying there a bit more but if the church preaches what we dont believe then I dont understand...

Anyone been here before that can give some unbiased advice.

Thanks.