What does it really take?

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Please bear with my long post. I would like to get some honest discussion on the topic and if I overlooked an identical post, I'll read that. I was a bit overwhelmed by the number of threads and didn't see what I was looking for.

I've been in church all my life, I've went to a relatively large church for most of my life who had iron standards that were rivaled only by the most conservative of the upci. Our leadership taught us that if you didn't do it our way then you weren't going to make it. We looked down on any churches who didn't believe what we did and spent youth services marvelling at all the churches who had gone "charismatic." The funny thing is that our friends from yesterday suddenly didn't meet our standards anymore so we chased new ones and finally resigned to solitude. We were closer at church than some of our genetic brothers and sisters for the most part and had incredible excitement and spirit. Our pastor was later convicted of sex crimes from being a little too close to some of the sisters, the church fell apart and I moved on.

I had spent most of my life convinced that I wouldn't make it anyways.

I then went to a really small church who again had iron standards. In fact if a friend in the ministry had a higher standard they would pick that up too. There were clothing inspections, other people enjoyed getting to walk out when someone did something that the church didn't believe in like video presentations of missionary events. Again, no socializing with those evil charismatics or the likes thereof (anyone with lower standards).

I still was convinced that I had a slim shot at making it all the way, but hey! gambling is better than not playing at all.

Now I'm going to a church that is an hour from where I live. It has standards that are biblically based only. If its not scriptural either by literal interpretation or at least by an arguable scriptural basis (i.e. pants are mens apparel whether they are labelled womens or not) then its not enforced. For the first time I feel like I really can make it, reaching an equalibrium of holiness and mercy but the church is so busy and intellectual that I've lost the enjoyment of church. My friends are those who can use me and for the most part only as long as they can use me. Then like a duster, I'm put back on the shelf for the next round. I really couldn't care a lot if I didn't go back.

The teaching is second to none and could be documented for theological discussion. I've never known more about scripture and why, but I'm drying up inside. I go to church and really enjoy it, join the masses heading through the door afterwards, do my duties for the church and then its over, back to the week again. I have never felt both so close to God at church and so far away when I'm not.


I guess my state of mind is disillusioned and confused. My question and point of this discussion is this:

In others opinions, what is it all about? Is it about my first location hating those who aren't as good and striving at an ever decreasing goal in the distance? Is it about competing with other churches to see who can have the shiniest book of standards? Is it about knowing so much about scripture that you can argue with the best theologians and look down on those who don't understand?

On the other side of the spectrum, I see those who were also disillusioned with it all and abandoned holiness entirely. Choosing to trust in God's mercy more than His Word. Allowing first one thing and then another until they are no longer distinguishable from the world. It becomes more of a confession of faith and handshake religion where anything goes that would make someone else uncomfortable.

Across the spectrum I see churches who excel in seemingly important areas and fail in others. The question is which is more important? Is it truely possibly to find a church that can reach an equalibrium of both maintaining holiness and biblical education and yet not become so businesslike that people can only be friends if they are in the same organizational unit?

For the first time in my life, I can truely understand why some people abandon the church idea and become spiritual nomads. I dont' think its right, but I can see the reason.


Is there anyone who has been here and back? Anyone who has really considered, more than for fear or comfort, why they are doing what they believe?

Please don't use this for a bashing opportunity. I'm turned off by the accusations and disdain and I'll just move on. The question is if you can help me.

Thanks